


Who Am I and What Are We?

by FanaticeIllabantur



Series: A Baker's Heart [1]
Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Bakery, Bakery, Gen, M/M, Pining, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:28:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 58,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21649063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanaticeIllabantur/pseuds/FanaticeIllabantur
Summary: Alec Lightwood owns a bakery that he loves. He also loves one of his regular customers. That regular customer, Magnus Bane, has a boyfriend. Whilst Alec doesn’t wish for them to break up, he does wish for Magnus, and the years that pass between them are many, and Alec isn’t sure if he will ever get a chance to be with him.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: A Baker's Heart [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1735648
Comments: 111
Kudos: 150





	1. Hold On

**Author's Note:**

> A forewarning, this is heavy in pining and coveting. When I say heavy, I really mean it. Of course, I cannot say that this will have a happy ending because that would spoil the entire thing, but perhaps prepare yourself for a lot of tension and a lot of yearning. If that is your thing, read on, good friend.
> 
> I hope you enjoy x

> “The world is filled with so many beautiful people after all and who am I to think that you will hold on, hold on to me, because who am I and what are we?”  
> ― Charlotte Eriksson, _Empty Roads & Broken Bottles; in search for The Great Perhaps_

Not a lot of eighteen-year-olds decided to start a bakery after they received a pay-out from their parents’ divorce, but Alec supposed he wasn’t like many other eighteen-year-olds. He didn’t feel like he was particularly unique, he didn’t feel like an individual who deserved to stand out, he was content to be quiet and sit in the background. He differed from his sister, who was the opposite of quiet, and shared similarities with his brother, who lived for being quietly inquisitive. Alec’s quietude had led him to buying a shop space so that he could start a bakery.

The funds had been intended for college, and his parents had reminded him of that constantly. Owning property was a little ridiculous, Alec could see that. Perhaps ridiculous was an unfair word, it was just different, unexpected, an odd move. But Alec had had his ambitions and been given the means to achieve those ambitions, and so he had done it even against his mother and father’s wishes.

A few years had passed since he had opened _Lightwood’s Delights._ He got chastised by his parents often, insisting that he should be studying, but it was Alec’s money once it was in his account. He was still being smart with it, even if his parents couldn’t believe that. 

They hadn’t always been pleased he enjoyed baking either. His father thought it too ‘feminine’ and his mother thought it could get expensive. But Alec had just loved to bake, even as a child it was something he had loved. Sitting on the stool as his grandmother made cake and brownies around him, showing him everything as his sister tried on her clothes and heels that were too big. He wasn’t allowed to bake at home, but he could bake when he was with his grandmother, and it had fuelled a passion that had kept with him, pushed him, excited him too.

It was not a facile beginning, but Alec loved it. Sure, he was open seven days a week, he opened at half-past six and closed at six, but it was a necessity to keep money coming in. Having profits was one of the only ways he could show his parents that he had made the correct decision, but even that rarely worked.

It had meant sleeping little and working hard as he made his own goods alongside bringing others in. Due to the small starting size of his store, he had been able to manage it on his own. The customer flow started off small, he had enough backup funds, and he loved baking so much, it was all he wanted to do. It had its rough days and his parents latched onto those, but Alec loved it too much to feel they were truly setbacks.

Getting his first staff member had been a real landmark. It was a small step in regards to long-term business, but a massive step personally. And that came with more staff members, a growing list of goodies, and more custom.

Having regular customers was a massive thing for a small bakery like Alec’s. When they had started to become regulars, it was nice to talk to them when it was quiet. It was also nice to watch the busy streets outside when it was quiet. Maybe there were stressful times and maybe some customers were a real hassle, but Alec loved baking and he would put up with anything for it.

There was an issue, this glaring, awful, prevailing issue, other than his parents wanting him to do something else, of course; he had an undying crush on one of his regular customers.

This was how it had happened: Magnus Bane had first walked into the bakery just over two years ago. His heart had skipped the second he had laid eyes on him with his painted lips and winged eyelines and lowcut shirt and low-riding jeans that showed his olive hips as it had been the height summer. Alec thought he had been dreaming, for just a moment.

He had smiled at Alec, and Alec had wanted to combust because his smile looked like it had been sculpted by loving hands that had aimed for the implausible perfection and yet had managed it. And then he spoke and his voice was deep and creamy and soft, lilted with a hint of his origins, and Alec didn’t think a person could be this perfect, but here he was, walking around his shop, and Alec was forgetting how to function.

After he had asked what Alec recommended, Alec had given him a slice of freshly made banana bread, and it had made Magnus a regular customer. He came in every Wednesday and Saturday, and his crush grew every time he saw him, and it was a disaster.

It wouldn’t have been a disaster if it wasn’t for a man called Woolsey Scott.

Woolsey was Magnus’ boyfriend. He was also gorgeous, not as stunning as Magnus, but certainly beautiful. They were a handsome couple, and Woolsey was a lovely person, and he was funny, and they were great together.

But Alec detested him. He made him feel an envy that made him bilious. Alec had never known jealousy until Woolsey had come into his life.

The first few times, Magnus had come into the store alone, and Alec had been filled with a false sense of hope, consumed with this idea that Magnus had entered his life so that he might enter his love life as well. Alec had only had one boyfriend in high school and he hadn’t liked the way he kissed, so they had only lasted a couple of months. But he thought another boyfriend could come along if he could work up the courage to ask him out.

But that hoped had been dashed one Saturday morning as Magnus entered with his hand locked in Woolsey’s. Of course, they were stunning together, and Alec wouldn’t wish Magnus single and unhappy, but Alec had such a crush on him, he ached to see him attached to Woolsey.

The autumnal air was chilly this morning, so Alec didn’t think their tables, which he put outside before the bakery opened, would be used much. He didn’t put them out at all during the winter, but the air could be warm sometimes during the fall, so he tried it. It was a Saturday, and he worked every Saturday because, well, because of Magnus. Perhaps that was ridiculous, but Alec got very few thrills in life, and being able to stare at Magnus Bane when he walked through the doors was a wonderful thrill he could get once or twice a week, every week.

As he continued opening the store by himself at six, he wondered what Magnus might be wearing today considering there was a bite to the wind. He always wore such stunning clothes, Alec loved to wonder what he might be wearing. It was a simple life Alexander led.

Jace came downstairs from their shared apartment above the bakery at eight when his shift started. It was always quiet between opening times to about ten, the usual customers their main custom, getting their hot drinks and some sort of breakfast, the muffins usually. There were quite a few cafés and bakeries on the street, but Alec never feared. The city was always busy, there would always be customers.

Clary came in at about half-past ten and set herself up on one of the tables to study for the day. Jace sat with her for a moment, kissing her as greeting. She worked the occasional shift, but she always said her art took so much time, it was difficult to work regular shifts, and Alec didn’t mind. He liked Clary and wanted to help her through her studies when he could.

The bakery was empty, bar Clary and the other staff members, when Magnus and Woolsey came in just after eleven. Alec sighed a content sort of sigh and then chided himself for being such an ass with a crush. They were holding hands, Magnus wearing this soft, grey jumper and ripped jeans. He was so goddamn pretty.

“Good morning,” Magnus greeted, coming over to the counter and eyeing up all the sugary goods. Alec watched him and swallowed, glad Woolsey was perusing the drinks menu even though he had been here on Wednesday and nothing had changed. “I’ll take one of everything.”

Alec laughed and Magnus’ smile was the most enchanting thing he knew.

“Quiet today?” Woolsey asked, Magnus still salivating over the treats behind the glass.

Alec nodded. “Yeah. I think there’s some march or something going on downtown, so everyone’s been pulled there.”

“More cakes for us, then,” Magnus said, and Alec would have given him everything in the store for just one kiss. Just one, just one chance at being able to kiss him and Alec would give him absolutely anything.

Another customer came in, and Kieran started serving them so Alec could keep talking to Magnus and Woolsey. Woolsey stepped up beside Magnus, placing a hand on the small of his back, and Alec yearned for that kind of attention, craving the mere idea of being able to touch Magnus that easily. In the two years he had known Magnus, the most touching they had done was the occasional brushing of fingers, and Alec wanted so much more.

“What are you two doing this weekend?” Alec asked, watching mainly Magnus, as he only ever watched Magnus. His voice was velvety and gorgeous, the lilt to his vowels Alec had memorised many months ago captivating.

“We’re visiting my brother,” Woolsey said. “He’s come over from England.” His tone was neutral.

“And Woolsey’s very happy about that,” Magnus said, throwing his boyfriend a grin.

“You don’t get on with your brother?” Alec asked.

Woolsey looked Alec dead in the eye and shook his head. “But it is, unfortunately, the thing to do when your brother takes a flight from London to visit.”

Alec threw him a pitying look. Woolsey shuddered.

“And, tomorrow, after Ralf has had enough of our company, we’re decorating the spare room,” Magnus said. “And I’m very excited about that.”

Alec smiled at Magnus, as he always smiled at Magnus.

“Magnus wants to paint it pink.”

“It’s a beautiful shade of pink,” Magnus assured.

“It’s a disgusting shade of pink,” Woolsey contested.

Magnus scoffed and grabbed his phone. After some moments of staring at the screen and flicking through things, he showed Alec a very bright shade of pink. It was clear to Alec that Magnus knew more about shades and colours and probably more about decoration too, but it was certainly bright, Alec knew that much.

“Obviously,” Magnus began, pocketing his phone again, “it won’t be that bright. But it’s a very pretty shade of pink. Don’t you think so, Alec?”

“It’s… _very_ pink,” Alec said.

“ _Thank you,_ Alec,” Woolsey said, rolling his eyes at Magnus. Magnus tutted. “Anyway, as it would be quite horrendous if we were late picking Ralf up at the airport, have you decided what you would like, Magnus?”

“Hm,” Magnus hummed, looking at the goods again.

Woolsey rolled his eyes, fondly. “I’ll have a coffee, and that cream thing you gave me on Wednesday.”

Alec nodded and went to serve Woolsey as Magnus still considered what he wanted. As Alec knew Magnus’ coffee since he got the same one every time, he made it instinctively as well. Then it was just waiting for Magnus to decide what baked good he wanted, and Alec would wait forever if it kept Magnus around.

“The fudge one,” Magnus decided, a devilish grin set on his lips. “It was so good last time.”

“I hope it lives up to expectations,” Alec said, getting it for him. He totalled it up for them so they could pay, only a touch disappointed Woolsey’s was paying this time as it meant he couldn’t brush hands with Magnus.

“Thank you, darling,” Magnus said, grabbing the bagged cakes and Woolsey collecting the coffees. He winked at Alec as they left the bakery, Alec’s heart going with him.

Having a crush was an absurd thing. Before Magnus, Alec had only ever had a crush on this hot jock at school who was stupid but very handsome, and the lead guitarist of a band named _The Mortal Instruments._ He had been able to pass that crush off as just liking the band and so there was no question when he had their posters up on his wall, but they made a lot more sense once his family knew he liked men.

Jace came over to him after they had gone, shoving his shoulder with his own. Alec took one look at Jace’s knowing face, and he collapsed into his arms as he rested them on the counter. He sighed and made whimpering noises. Thankfully, it was only Jace, Clary, Cristina, and Kieran on the shopfloor at that moment, and they all knew exactly what the issue was.

Pushing himself up, he rubbed his face and willed the red in his cheeks to subside.

“I’m pathetic,” Alec said, looking at the others in the room who were, indeed, looking at him like he was pathetic.

“You need to get laid,” Jace determined, wiping down one of the counters.

“Badly,” Cristina added, smiling widely at Alec when he threw her a look.

“That might have worked two years ago,” Kieran said and, even though Kieran had only been at the bakery for six months, he knew exactly what was going on and how long it had been going on for. “It will not work now. His poor heart will forever be attached.”

“Sometimes, I wonder why I hired any of you,” Alec said, though the truth in their words was what really made him say it. It had been over two years; it was unlikely Alec would ever get over him.

Ignoring his thoughts of want, Alec carried on with the rest of the day, shutting his doors at six o’clock. It was a long day but, when it was doing what you loved, it didn’t often feel like that. Jace had gone out for dinner with Clary, so Alec was closing the shop with Cristina and Diana. They wiped everything down, stored what could be stored, and disposed of the rest. It was about half-past when everything was done and the girls could leave. Alec, of course, had to do the boring business side of it, but it was methodical and Alec was a fan of methodical, of routine.

That evening, as Alec calculated his profits, Jace came through the door with a wolfish grin. He always came back ridiculously content after an evening with Clary. Alec was glad he was happy, but he was envious of him as well. He got to be with the person he liked, and Alec envied him greatly for that.

Jace jumped onto the sofa beside Alec, sighing contently. Again, Alec was happy Jace was happy, but he was still filled with a green and violent envy.

They chatted for a while, but they were both tired and retreated to bed early. Things opened later on a Sunday, but there was less staff as well. It was Alec and Kieran working tomorrow, and they were slow days. After the rushes they could get on Saturday, a slow day was always welcome.

Kieran served most of the time as Alec made the cakes and goods, baking away and concocting new ideas. He felt one of the reasons he succeeded was because he kept things fresh all the time. He was always trying out new things, coming up with different takes on tried and tested recipes, and it was one of the reasons he loved it so much. It could change every day, each day was different, and where one product might fly off the shelves one day, other days might not see a single one sold. That was part of the reason Alec loved it so much, why he continued to do it when not every day was wonderful.

When it was time to close, Alec asked if Kieran was up to anything exciting during the week for, where Alec’s life was his bakery, the others had other things going on outside of their workplace. Sometimes, Alec lived vicariously through them though, usually, that was down to the specifics of them all being in love and being with the people they loved.

“There’s a fair by where Mark lives,” Kieran said, stacking the chairs by the wall. “So he’s taking Cristina and I there.”

“I didn’t think you liked fairs?”

“I don’t really,” Kieran said, shrugging. “But Mark loves them. He likes to get the fish and put them in proper bowls and look after them. I can’t tell you how many fish he has in his apartment. It’s overrun.”

Alec laughed.

“It’s easy to laugh,” Kieran said, shuddering. “But imagine trying to be intimate with the people you love and having a thousand fish stare at you.”

Alec snorted, but Kieran seemed stuck on some indecent memory, and Alec let him be, wiping down the counters so they would be clean and ready tomorrow. He was working, again, but he had Tuesday and Wednesday off. The rest of his staff said he shouldn’t work so often and for so long, but it didn’t feel like work when it was doing what you loved.

He was dreading Wednesday anyway and would much rather be working. He was going to visit his parents as his sister was coming back for the week. She was travelling with her boyfriend, who would also be there. Alec had tried a thousand excuses to get out of it for he was sure he could see Izzy some other time, but his parents had said, since it was his own company and he ran everything, there really was no excuse. Whilst that was the truth, Alec had desperately tried to find some reason as to why he could not go, and had come up with nothing.

And, so, he was going to visit his mother and father, whom hated each other. They didn’t live together any longer, but they came together when they had to. Sometimes, Alec believed they did it just to make everyone around them uncomfortable. He knew some couples could be amicable after divorce, but his parents weren’t that kind of couple. He was also getting to see his little brother who was thirteen now. Max was already desperate to move out, his sister hated being at home, and Simon, the boyfriend, could barely navigate any of them. It was as dysfunctional as families got.

To start the day the best way possible, he was going to make sure he saw Magnus before he left. It kept him in high spirits, but it did always assure just how big his crush on Magnus was, but Alec didn’t see any point in denying the size of his crush to himself. Lying to yourself was how you started spiralling out of control, and Alec carried on with the knowledge that seeing Magnus made his day better because it was the truth, and he didn’t want to live a lie.

When Tuesday came, Alec text Izzy, wondering if she might be able to delay her homecoming, and Izzy merely said she wished she could. Alec was the disappointment of the family, he supposed it would be wretched if she disappointed them too.

He spent his first day off milling around his apartment above the bakery, watching some television and wondering at recipe possibilities. Time passed pleasantly, and Alec was glad for a moment of rest before he had to deal with his dysfunctional family in an environment where he couldn’t escape.

The next morning, Alec showered and ate some breakfast, and then received a text from his sister saying his parents were in a foul mood. Alec wondered if he could get away with just not turning up. His parents would never forgive him, but he loathed dealing with them and he was thoroughly considering dealing with their lack of forgiveness if they were in a poor mood.

Seeing Magnus would put him in a better mood. It would not rectify the entire situation, but it would help. Anything involving Magnus would help anything unpleasant.

There hadn’t been many a situation where Magnus saw him and he wasn’t at work in his apron. There had been one Halloween where Alec had dressed up, nothing crazy, but because of the previous year where he had joked that he had dressed up as a bakery owner and Magnus had seem disappointed, Alec had wanted to do something more. Again, it had been nothing crazy, he had merely been Maverick from _Top Gun_ , and this included a leather jacket and pilot sunglasses and jeans, which he wore everyday to work anyway. But it had been something and Magnus had gotten excited about it, so it had been entirely worth it.

Other than that, Magnus had occasioanlly caught him in his casual clothes, but as he didn’t have a uniform for work, yet, he wore that underneath his apron anyway. Those times had lasted only a short while and they usually only happened because Alec was leaving the store as they were coming in, which upset Alec a great deal. He hated missing Magnus and thought the whole day ruined if he did.

Now, as he knew he could see Magnus before he left, it was invigorating in a way. Yes, Alec was a pathetic boy with a crush, but it was the truth, and Alec decided to live within his truth.

When Magnus and Woolsey came in, together, as ever, Alec was just checking in on how things were going. Of course, his staff likely knew exactly what he was doing, but Woolsey and Magnus probably didn’t, and that was something Alec took a comfort in. He was glad he was stood on the opposite side of the counters to where he usually served, so Magnus could see him out of an apron and in casual clothes, so he could see him living a life other than the one he lived running the bakery.

Magnus was wearing this mauve jumper and grey jeans, and Alec’s heart skipped. It usually skipped whatever he was wearing, so it was no shock this time, but it always impacted Alec’s hungry heart.

“And where are _we_ off to this morning?” Magnus asked, noting Alec standing with the other customers. There were a couple in the shop, being served, so Magnus and Woolsey had to wait. Alec was more than happy to keep them company.

“I have to see my parents,” Alec said, tone neutral.

Magnus winced. Alec had told him, and Woolsey, of his situation a few times, never in loads of detail, but enough for Magnus to get the gist. He reached out a hand to pat Alec reassuringly on the shoulder, and Alec felt the interaction in his heart. It was nothing, it lasted seconds, it was over before it even really started, and yet Alec would hold it to his chest forever. He would recall the gentle feel of his hand, the way his fingers felt as they curled around his shoulder, and he would treasure it.

Magnus went to say something, but a phone started ringing and it turned out to be Woolsey’s. He excused himself and went to stand outside as he answered it.

It was just Magnus and Alec, standing together, alone. Well, as alone as they could get in the bakery where people were working and there were customers being served. However, it was as alone as it could get, and Alec was cherishing every second it lasted.

“What’s the occasion?” Magnus asked.

“My sister’s come back from India,” Alec explained, looking into Magnus’ eyes, closer than he had ever been before. There were these gentle flecks of yellow in their deep, emerald colour, and he wished to study them until the end of time. “It’s only a short break before she goes off to… I think it might be Brazil, I don’t know for sure. But mum and dad require her to visit them in between her travels.”

“Wow,” Magnus said. “She’s a busy little thing, then?”

Alec nodded. “She’s finally going to college next year, and my parents gave her some money to travel with. To _continue_ travelling with.”

After high school, Izzy had spent two years in the peace corps, which was where she had met Simon and, during that time, she had received the pay-out from their parents’ divorce. Now she was done with the corps, she was travelling for a couple years before she went to college. Twenty-two was not old, but a little older than the typical college student, however at least she was going. Their parents loved that, loved her.

“Because they’re happy she’s going to college?” Magnus asked, knowing as well that Alec’s parents weren’t happy with the career move he had made.

He nodded again.

“So, you’re really looking forward to it,” Magnus joked, and the smile it pressed to his lips was the best and most beautiful thing in the world.

“I can’t wait,” Alec lied.

“Well, we wouldn’t want to keep you from something you are so desperate to get to,” Magnus said. “You’ll have to tell us all about it on Saturday.”

Alec could tell it was time to leave and, even though he didn’t want to, he didn’t want Magnus to think he was weird for remaining when their conversation was over.

“I’ll give you all the details,” Alec assured, smiling at Magnus before he left, throwing a smile to Woolsey who was still on the phone. He ached inside to leave Magnus behind, but he knew he would always leave Magnus behind, no matter how much he tried to hold on. Magnus and Woolsey were clearly in love, and they had been for the three years they had been dating. Alec didn’t see that changing, and, whilst he wasn’t sure if he would still have feelings for Magnus in the future, he thought Magnus and Woolsey _had_ a future. Alec and Magnus likely didn’t.

He knew nothing would ever come of him and Magnus, but it was those slight wishes, that tiny chance that kept Alec going. Maybe, one day, he would meet someone who brought his mind off Magnus, but, until that happened, Magnus remained the singular and largest thought in his mind.


	2. My Dream of You

> “The wait is long, my dream of you does not end.”  
>  ― Nuala O'Faolain, _My Dream of You_

The journey to his mother’s house, as that was where they were gathering, was conflicting both because of how happy he was that Magnus had touched him, and then how awful he felt that he had to see his parents. They weren’t that bad, not really, but they were very questioning of Alec’s decisions. Alec wasn’t a fan of having to explain himself. His sister had become the prodigy child, doing what their parents had planned for her, and Alec was left explaining himself because he had chosen a different path.

His mother answered the door when Alec arrived, smiling sternly somehow. She gestured for Alec to come in and he wiped his shoes on the mat before he took them off. He knew the rules here, even if he had moved out years ago.

In the living room, Max was sat in the corner, nose buried in a book because he, most certainly, did not want to be here and would much rather be in his room or with his friends, far away from his parents. His father was sat in the armchair by the window, back straight and hands curled around the arms. He likely didn’t want to be here either, for it was common knowledge he had been having an affair before his marriage was over, even if none of them ever mentioned it. Then there was Izzy, legs tucked up under her and scrolling through her phone, definitely wanting to be somewhere else, likely on another continent. Next to her was Simon, staring at the wall as if it might crumble before him and he could walk through it and away from this household.

And here Alec and Maryse walked in, Alec wishing he was far away and Maryse orchestrating it all. If it weren’t for her, the family wouldn’t ever see each other, and Alec commended her efforts, but he still didn’t want to be here.

Everyone looked at Alec when he came into the room, as if he might be the salvation to the hell being wrought upon them. It wasn’t going to be the case because Alec wanted to be here even less than the rest of his family, but he could see the desperation in their eyes, and he understood it.

He sat down next to his sister, taking refuge there. He would have sat next to Max, but Max went back to his book after he saw Alec, and he didn’t blame him. Maryse sat in her own armchair, and there was silence for a long while, Izzy coming off her phone and waiting alongside everyone else. Max was the only one who could be elsewhere, and Alec envied him for being able to read and escape the room.

“How was India?” Alec asked, taking up the role of initiating conversation.

Izzy went on in detail then, Simon adding things here and there about their three weeks in India. They saw beautiful things, Izzy getting her phone out and showing all the pictures she had taken. She was having such a wonderful time, excited for all the other travelling she was going to do, and Alec was glad she was loving it, Simon as well, travelling with his girlfriend. What a lucky guy he was, Alec thought, and what a lucky sister, to be able to travel with the people they loved.

Of course, the pleasantry of talking about travelling ended soon after for Izzy asked how the bakery was going, and he felt his mother and father’s piercing stares.

“It’s good,” Alec said. “We’re doing well.”

“You’re not regretting it yet?” his father asked, and Alec saw Izzy’s jaw set hard.

“No,” Alec answered, facing his father. “I really enjoy my job, actually, father.”

“We’ll see if that’s the case in a couple of years though, won’t we?” his mother responded.

“It’s already been a couple of years,” Alec reminded them. “In fact, it’s almost been five, now. It’s still going well. Better than ever, actually.”

“Hm,” Maryse hummed uncertainly, and Alec sighed. His relationship was so strained with his parents, and he knew a lot of people did have an imperfect relationship with those who had raised them, but Alec always wished he could get along with them. Maybe they didn’t agree with what he did for a living, but they didn’t have to have so much friction. It had always been that way, and Alec wished it could be easier. He had thought growing up might help that, that age and adulthood would be a remedy, but that wasn’t the case, and he wondered if it ever would be. “Well, Max was wondering if you would hire him when he turns-.”

“No, I wasn’t,” Max interjected, not looking up from his book.

“Max,” Robert began, tone serious and forcing Max to look up to him. “You should get a job when you can. And since Alexander owns a business-.”

“That’s nepotism,” Max said, looking at his father for a few seconds before going back to reading.

“Even so,” Maryse continued, Robert stunned, “if you can get some help with these things, it’s better to take it. The job market isn’t easy for young people.”

“So, you like my bakery now?” Alec asked, raising his eyebrows. He felt sorry for Simon, caught between this tumultuous family. Alec thought he must care for Izzy an awful lot if he wanted to stay with her even if he knew what her family was like. Alec commended him in his head, still looking at his mother for, in a backhanded way, she had said the bakery was useful, and she had never said anything like that before.

“There’s no need for like or dislike terms,” Maryse said. “If it has its uses-.”

“Uses,” Alec repeated, sighing internally.

“Yes,” Maryse said. “If it has its _uses,_ then why not use them?”

Alec set his jaw and looked at Max. “If you do ever need a job, Max, you are welcome to an interview.”

“Thanks,” Max said, not looking at his brother, and Alec didn’t blame him.

Wanting to be out of the room for a minute, Alec said he was going to make everyone some coffee, Izzy jumping up and saying she would help. Simon threw them a horrified look, but what was done was done, and Alec was glad to have some time alone with his sister.

Izzy collected the cups as Alec started making coffee.

“How are you, then?” Izzy asked, setting the mugs in front of Alec and jumping up on the counter to wait. If mum would have seen her, she would have gone berserk, but Alec thought Izzy didn’t care. She was the prodigy child, but she had her small moments of rebellion.

“Same, same,” Alec answered.

“The bakery’s really good then?”

Alec nodded.

“And your beloved?” Izzy asked, and Alec hated the grin set on her lips.

“What about him?” Alec asked. Izzy knew about him because Jace had told her. Alec wished he hadn’t, but Alec had been in love with Magnus for two years, it was only ever going to be a matter of time before she found out.

“Still come as part of a package?” Izzy asked, and Alec rolled his eyes. “Shall I take that as a yes?”

“I suppose you probably should. It is the truth, after all.” He started pouring into the mugs, craving coffee to calm his mind. He hated how his parents affected him, he hated his relationship with them. He wanted something better, something meaningful that came with their support, but he knew it wasn’t coming. “I saw him today, before I came here.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Alec said, dealing out sugars and milk.

Izzy shoved his shoulder, and Alec threw her a look making sure she knew that he knew he was pathetic. He felt stupid and ridiculous, but it had been two years and, as Kieran had said, it wasn’t likely to change now unless someone perfect came into his life. He doubted that. If it hadn’t happened in two years, it wasn’t going to happen now.

Sometimes, people who were in love thought it possible for everyone else to be in love as well. It worked out wonderfully for some people, but it didn’t work out that way for everyone. People who were in love didn’t see it that way, and Alec didn’t blame them. Love and happiness could come as a package, and they wanted to share that. Alec didn’t want to quash it, but he knew the other realities of the world; not everyone got to be in love and not every relationship came to fruition. Love blinded some, it seemed, but Alec had yet to go blind and he doubted he ever would.

“It must be very difficult, being all in love with someone you see twice a week and who comes with a boyfriend attached at the hip,” Izzy said. Although she was joking, Alec could hear the empathy in her voice.

“It is very difficult,” Alec replied, truthful, and then they both carried the mugs into the living room.

The rest of the afternoon was hellish, but it was just what Alec expected. Every time he mentioned the bakery, his parents questioned if it really could be going well, asking if there was anything wrong and trying to latch onto those issues. Then, with Izzy going off to Peru for a couple of weeks, Maryse and Robert were so proud of her, and Simon would be called upon, and he clearly hated it but, one look at Izzy, and he calmed down, relaxing and breathing again. Max spoke a few of times, but he snuck away to his room a couple hours after Alec had arrived, and Maryse only noticed it after the fact. She said she was going to go and get him, but Izzy distracted her with a story from India, and he was allowed to be in peace. Alec was glad at least one of them got to be.

When it was time for Alec to leave, he made sure Izzy promised to message him and to make sure she was staying safe. Izzy had rolled her eyes, but she appreciated his concern, Alec knew that. He bid goodbye to his parents, called goodbye to his brother who was happily alone in his room, and made the journey back home.

The bakery was closed, and Alec found Jace upstairs, channel surfing.

“How was it?” Jace asked, Alec collapsing down beside him on the sofa.

Alec sighed, and Jace nodded his understanding. “They’re very difficult to deal with.”

“Your parents?”

“Mhm.”

“Say anything ridiculous this time?”

“When don’t they?”

Jace laughed and asked after Izzy. They spoke for a long while until they both retreated to bed. They were both at work tomorrow, but Alec was counting down the days until he could see Magnus again and tell him of everything that had gone on. Sharing his life and experiences with Magnus were some of the highlights of his week.

Saturday morning was a welcomed sight, and Alec opened the store happy and almost excitable. He always opened the store happy and excitable when it was a Wednesday or a Saturday. Sure, he loved opening his store every day, but there was something invigorating about the days where he could see the face he adored so much. Crushes were ridiculed things in school, fancies were jokes to a lot of people, but Alec felt it seriously in his heart. Maybe, to some, he was a fool for having his heart placed on someone like Magnus who wouldn’t ever likely be his, but it made him happy in a way, and Alec knew some people would think him foolish, but they would behave the same way if they knew Magnus Bane. You couldn’t not crush hard on someone like him.

The weather was getting colder, and Magnus was wearing a purple, hooded jacket and these dark black jeans that had Alec near sweating, a miracle considering the temperature. Magnus threw Alec his prized grin and, even though Kieran was available to serve, he came over to Alec instead, Woolsey, of course, in toe.

“Good morning,” Magnus greeted, leaning on the counter, his grin plastered to his face still. His teeth were perfect too. Alec had known that, but it was disastrous for his lovestruck heart every time he saw them, every time he saw him, really.

“Morning,” Alec replied.

“How was Wednesday?” Woolsey asked, and Alec felt a slight pang at the idea Magnus had told Woolsey and that it was Woolsey who was asking him now. However, it was also invigorating because it meant Magnus talked about him when he wasn’t around, that he thought about him when he wasn’t there, and that was a glorious thing.

“It was not wonderful,” Alec said, wiping some crumbs off the counter as he spoke, aware of Magnus’ eyes on him and how special that felt. Perhaps it was revealing, but Alec didn’t mind being too revealed in front of Magnus.

“What was so terrible about it this time?” Woolsey asked.

“Well, they’re very proud of my sister, and they’re not so proud of me. They like to, uh, say that every time I go around. Not with those exact words, of course, but near enough.”

“How can they not be proud of you?” Magnus asked. “You run a very successful bakery. I’m proud of you, and they should be too.” Magnus smiled widely at him and it did ridiculous and wild things to Alec’s fragile, loving heart.

“It wasn’t the plan,” Alec answered, voice quiet because he was still overwhelmed by Magnus’ words.

“The plan?” Magnus asked.

“They wanted me to go to college,” Alec explained. Magnus had heard this before, but it seemed fitting to repeat it. “Instead, you know, I have this bakery.”

“But it’s a beautiful bakery,” Magnus assured, still leaning on the counter, his smile softening.

“Thank you,” Alec said. He was honestly touched by Magnus’ sentiment, and it took his breath away. “They just don’t see it as succeeding in the long run. But I don’t think I should ruin your Saturday with tragic tales of my family.”

“Are they really so tragic?” Woolsey asked. “Maybe we need to hear more to determine just how tragic they are?”

Magnus gently slapped his boyfriend’s arm before he straightened up. “Well, you go back to your parents, and you tell them Magnus Bane gives you a full endorsement of your darling bakery.”

“I’m sure that will mean the world to them,” Woolsey drawled.

Magnus slapped his arm again. “Ignore him.”

Alec laughed through his nose. “Usual coffees then?”

“Please,” Woolsey said. “It’ll take that long for Magnus to decide what he wants.”

“And then some,” Magnus added, gazing down at the cakes as Alec went to make them their coffees, Magnus’ with a generous helping of caramel.

Woolsey decided on a piece of syrup sponge and Magnus, eventually, decided on a quadruple chocolate muffin. This time, they brushed fingers when Magnus took the bagged cakes, and it sent sparks all the way through his arm and into his heart.

When they bid goodbye, Alec watched them leave, all the way until they disappeared from the window. He couldn’t linger for long this time because they were about to endure a lunch rush, but his mind was still on them both, on Magnus mainly. It usually was for Magnus took up so much of the space in his mind and his thoughts, so it was not difficult to serve and have his mind occupied by Magnus and his beautiful features.

It was that evening where how much he adored Magnus became even more problematic, somehow. Jace had brought Clary over after their date that evening, and they were talking about their plans for their future once college was over for them. Alec wasn’t upset because he might lose them as colleagues, but because they loved each other and were going to be with each other and had plans for their future. Alec envied them.

Alec wondered what it might be like to love someone and then be with that someone. Alec had had one boyfriend in his life and that had included some sex and some kissing, but it hadn’t lasted longer than two months, and there had been tension between their friendship groups until they all got over it.

That had been Alec’s only experience with love other than the crush he had gotten on Mr. Starkweather in high school, and the crush on that guitarist. Those crushes, whilst still crushes, were nowhere near the level of the one he had on Magnus now. The one on Mr. Starkweather had been embarrassing, particularly when he had written his name and drawn hearts around it just as Mr. Starkweather had walked by and Alec had turned the most violent shade of pink known to man and not been able to look at him for a week.

Now there was this crush, this love he had harboured in his heart was much stronger than the feelings for his teacher. Every form of love he saw made him ache. His dream of him was just a dream of love and having him to love, and to know it would never happen, it made him sore. It was painful to see him so often and to want him so, but there was nothing to be done. Magnus was clearly in love with Woolsey, and no amount of pining was going to change that.

Jace snapped his fingers in Alec’s face to bring him back from his daze. He blinked himself into reality and saw both Jace and Clary were looking at him.

“Dreaming of Magnus’ abs?” Jace asked, and Clary tutted at him.

Alec just stared at him.

“You know, I have plenty of friends who would want to date you-,” Jace began.

“I don’t want to be set up with someone,” Alec interrupted.

“You can’t pine over Magnus forever,” Jace said. “It’s not healthy.”

Alec, knowing it was true, did not know how to respond, and so he could only shrug. No one else had ever come close to enticing Alec, to taking his attention and interest away from Magnus. He didn’t see it happening if he was introduced to someone and, although that seemed a good option for the predicament he was in, it was not going to help. He wasn’t sure if he even _wanted_ to move on from Magnus, and that was an interestingly daunting feeling.

“Let me introduce you to someone,” Jace said. “For your sake.”

“No,” Alec said, and he meant it. “I’m fine, really.”

“But are you happy like this?” Jace asked. “I don’t see how you can be.”

Clary tutted at her boyfriend again. “I think what Jace is trying to say is that we just want to know if you are okay, you know. We’re just worried if you let this carry on, will you waste other opportunities?”

“What other opportunities are you implying are out there?” Alec asked, a touch irritated by them, as if they knew everything because they were happy and in love.

“Well, if we both know people who would love to date you, perhaps that’s something you should take up,” Clary explained.

“I don’t want to date anyone,” Alec said though, if Magnus asked him out, he would probably date him, and that was something each of them were quietly aware of even as he said it. “But thank you for your offer.” It was a touch bitter, and both Clary and Jace could tell he was annoyed.

He bid them goodnight and left them alone in the living room, ready for bed. He knew it wasn’t necessarily fair, they were just trying to help because Alec’s situation looked dire, but he liked Magnus, and he knew no one was going to take his eyes off Magnus. It wasn’t fair to treat Jace or Clary with contempt when they were trying to help, but Alec knew his mind, and some other guy who might be interested in him wasn’t going to change it.

The next week went by and Alec, as ever, got excited for Wednesday and Saturday. The three of them would speak for a short while, as they did all the time, and Alec would be a little happier after seeing Magnus. He could see his staff judging him, maybe even pitying him, but it was the way it had been for so long, and crushes didn’t just go away. They left for particular reasons; you found someone else, they did something that put you off them, they or you moved away, and it didn’t make sense to love them any longer. None of those reasons had arisen, and it was not likely they would arise any time soon. Expecting them would make his longing worse, and his longing was already so painful.

Every time he slept, he dreamt of Magnus. His longing and craving had seeped into his dreams, conjuring up images of Magnus bare-chested or laughing, images of Magnus staring at him with love in his eyes. They were all things Alec coveted, and he wondered what his lips would taste of, what his mouth might feel like, how rough or gentle his hands would be.

Of course, these things stayed in his mind, in his dreams of yearning. Every time he glanced upon him, he had something new to dream about because he would see something new, like another freckle upon his cheek, or dark flecks of hair he may have missed when shaving, or a fresh tan-line in the summer, darkening his gorgeous tone. Alec thought he might know his face perfectly, but he supposed he had only ever really been able to study it from across the counter, a few minutes during two days of the week, so how could he really know it or him perfectly? Even though he really couldn’t, he still adored him, completely and truly with every inch of his lustful heart. That was the way it worked, he supposed, when your heart wanted something even when you didn’t know them wonderfully well, it was going to stay that way forever.

Maybe, one day, he would learn something about Magnus that might turn him off, that might make him realise he didn’t love him so much anymore. It wasn’t likely given the way he was feeling, but it could happen. Alec wasn’t hoping for such a thing, he enjoyed liking Magnus, he enjoyed being able to see him and looked forward to those two days each week where he got to see him, but it was likely the only thing that could happen that would stop him loving Magnus Bane.

And yet, the mere thought of no longer loving Magnus Bane was painful. It had become a way of living for him, he expected to think about Magnus every day of every week of every month, and if he went without thinking about him, he was surprised. It was ingrained into his very way of life, into his mind and into his soul, and he wasn’t entirely sure who he would be without it.

Then again, he didn’t think there would come a time when he would be someone without an undying love for Magnus Bane. He wondered, if Woolsey and Magnus married, if that might change it, but them being together for two years hadn’t stopped it and he didn’t know if marriage would. If they moved away, Alec’s heart, for lack of seeing him, might fall out of love with him. That was still a very real possibility, Alec supposed, for they had mentioned, once or twice, moving to London so Woolsey could be in England again. The few times they had mentioned it, it had struck a fear deep into Alec’s heart and he put a part of that down to the idea he might fall out of love with him if he couldn’t see him.

Moving to London was a big decision, and Alec hadn’t heard them bring it up for months. Hopefully, that was good news. Not for his crush because it meant it would linger, but it was good news because it meant he would get to see Magnus for a long, long while. It was those thoughts that kept him going because he adored Magnus, and he felt blessed in getting to see him when he did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me, writing fics instead of writing essays. Updates will happen every Sunday x


	3. Unfulfilled

> “You know what that reflects? Unsatisfied lives. Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven't found meaning. Because if you've found meaning in your life, you don't want to go back. You want to go forward. You want to see more, do more. You can't wait until sixty-five.”   
> ― Mitch Albom, _Tuesdays with Morrie_

The seasons continued to pass, his birthday coming along too. Twenty-five, in reality, was quite a sizeable birthday given it was quarter of a century, but Alec had never been one to make a fuss. He had met up with his friends, had a separate encounter with his family, but he had kept it small. Celebration focusing in on him was not his style.

Winter rolled around soon after, freezing everything in its wake. Alec did love winter because it meant he could wear his sweaters, and he loved them more than he could explain. Magnus also wore gorgeous jumpers, and Alec adored each of them. Sometimes, he would wear scarves and gloves, claiming hats never suited him, though Alec couldn’t ever believe something like that to be true. Magnus had a beautiful face, there was no way anything couldn’t suit him.

They continued to have many encounters, neither of them missed their Wednesday or Saturday chance for baked goods. There had been a couple of days where they hadn’t come in, and they had been tragic. Alec had felt empty until he had seen Magnus again, full only when Magnus was visible.

When it began snowing, Magnus would come in wearing a scarf up around his nose and mouth, and this would make Alec’s heart melt despite the freezing temperature. The tips of his ears and the tip of his nose would be tinted red, and Alec wished more than anything to cuddle up with him on a cold night where they could keep each other warm, maybe against a fire with the television on in the background. These very specific ideas were conjured every time he saw him wearing a scarf, making him look cosy and inviting. Of course, Woolsey wouldn’t be far behind, but Alec could ignore him and watch only Magnus.

On one particular morning, fresh snow falling outside, Magnus had come in wearing these leather gloves, and Alec had bitten his lip subconsciously until he had remembered himself and smiled. They had talked for a while, business quiet because of the snow, and Magnus had asked what Alec was doing for Christmas.

“I think I’m just going to my parents’ place,” Alec had said, wishing it wasn’t the case but glad because his sister would be back from New Zealand. At least he would not have to face it alone.

“And are you bringing someone special with you?” Magnus had asked, gently picking at the gingerbread man Alec had given them, for free, because they visited so often. Also, he had given it to Magnus because he took pleasure in watching Magnus enjoy the fruits of his labour. “A pretty partner of some kind?”

“I don’t have anyone,” Alec had said, almost pointedly. “It’s difficult to find guys I like.”

“Yeah?” Magnus had asked.

Alec had nodded.

“And how does someone as pretty as you not have a boyfriend?” Magnus had asked, grinning.

Alec had almost blushed, but he had managed to keep it at bay, laughing through his nose instead. Magnus had never complimented him like that before and, even though it was a casual sort of compliment, it still made Alec warm inside, it still made him beam.

“I just… I don’t,” Alec had answered.

“That is ridiculous,” Magnus had replied, shaking his head in disbelief. “I don’t know how that could be possible. Can you believe that, Woolsey?”

“’Tis shocking,” Woolsey had agreed, rolling his eyes at Magnus. “Did you consider, Magnus, that maybe he thinks a boyfriend would be very annoying because, Alec, they can be.”

Alec had laughed but he could not imagine, for one second, that Magnus could be annoying. Well, that’s not entirely true. Everyone could be annoying, everyone had traits that could aggravate others, but a part of love was enduring those flaws and loving those flaws. Alec was sure, if he was in a relationship with Magnus, he would adore him, flaws included, but he was not in that lucky position, and he almost begrudged Woolsey for being that guy.

They had stayed for a short while longer, and Alec absorbed Magnus’ company. Whenever he left, he took a piece of his heart with him, and it was only returned when Magnus visited, twice a week.

It was the beginning of spring now, and Alec was enduring one of those days where it started off far too cold and then got too warm. He could wear his jumpers for a short while, but he wouldn’t be able to manage the whole day. It meant Magnus would no longer be wearing jumpers, but at least he would show more of his skin on hotter days. Alec was content to see Magnus in whatever, he adored him in everything he wore.

It was Monday, so he wasn’t going to see him for a couple more days, but it was okay because he had been wearing sunglasses to combat the bright weather on Saturday, and Alec loved him in sunglasses.

Jace was coming in for the afternoon shift after his lecture, so Alec manned the store with Kieran and Cristina before they left and Jace and Emma ran the store with him until it closed.

Clary accompanied Jace when he came in, setting herself up on one of the empty tables and getting her drawing pad out. She often showed Alec what she got up to, and Alec thought her skills were incredible. Alec had once had an interest in art, but baking had overtaken that, and he preferred to conjure up recipes nowadays. Sometimes, he secretly thought baking was a form of art anyway, particularly decorating, but he wondered if people might laugh if he ever voiced those thoughts.

When Jace came around the counter, he was practically giddy, and Alec wondered what fresh hell was about to be unleashed unto him.

“We’ve got you a date,” Jace announced when the bakery was empty for a moment.

Alec stared at him, disbelieving. “What?”

“We’ve got you a date,” Jace repeated. “Though, I don’t believe you didn’t hear me the first time.”

“I don’t want a date,” Alec said.

“Well, you’ve got one. Friday night.”

“Jace!” Alec couldn’t believe what he was telling him. He had always said he didn’t want to go on a date, that he was quite happy being single. Although he was not shocked Jace had done such a thing, he was disappointed and a little mad about it.

“What?” Jace asked, as if he had done nothing wrong.

Clary, appearing to have overheard the commotion, had stood up and approached the counter. She leaned on it, as high as she could get considering her height, and tried a calming smile towards Alec.

“His name is George, and he’s very sweet. He’s a friend of Simon’s, actually,” Clary said in a soothing tone. It wasn’t really helping. “He’s Scottish, and very pretty, and we showed him a picture of you and he’s very interested. I know… Well, we know you don’t want to because of Magnus-.”

“ _Maybe_ it’s because of him,” Alec interrupted. “ _Maybe_ it’s because I don’t want to date. Did either of you consider that?”

“Yes,” Jace said, and Alec really could have throttled him if he wasn’t in a public place and if Jace wasn’t his best friend. “But George is really nice-.”

“Good for him.”

“Alec,” Jace said, serious this time. “Maybe if you see someone else, you’ll get over this thing you have for Magnus. He and Woolsey don’t seem to be breaking up any time soon.”

“I really _don’t_ need you interfering with my love life,” Alec said.

“Or _lack_ of a love life,” Jace corrected.

“Whatever,” Alec dismissed. “Did you already set up a date with him?” Alec was horrified at the idea. In part, he felt horrible for George who had been entirely lied to. He had likely been told that Alec wanted to date him, or wanted to go on a date, and that wasn’t the truth at all.

“Yes,” Clary answered. “He’s going to meet you at Fell’s on Friday night at seven, and it’s going to be so nice and you are going to get along just fine.”

“I hate blind dates.”

“You’ve never been on one,” Jace pointed out.

“Because I hate the idea of them,” Alec said, though that was only half the truth. They were an awful idea for someone like Alec, but he also didn’t want to go on one because he did love Magnus, and he was content to stay like that forever.

Jace hummed uncertainly.

“Cancel it,” Alec demanded.

“No,” Jace said. “If you go on the date and you hate it, that’s fine. It’ll be a mistake to not go on it at all.”

“Jace-.”

“Alec.” Jace tutted. “Please. If you really hate it, we won’t do it again.”

Alec considered this. He knew he was going to hate it, but if he went on it and it stopped Jace from doing it again, maybe it would be worth it. George could be as lovely as a person could be, but unless he was Magnus, Alec wasn’t sure he could be interested.

“Do you promise?” Alec asked.

“Promise,” Jace replied. “ _But_ , only if you hate it. And I’ll be able to tell if you’re lying.”

Alec rolled his eyes and would have sworn at him, but a customer came in, and the rest of their afternoon passed with Alec hating the idea of having a date coming in four days.

When Wednesday dawned, Alec was sure in himself that he was going to tell Jace to cancel it because the mere idea that he could see Magnus and that Magnus would think he was seeing some other guy, whose picture he hadn’t even seen yet, felt oddly like cheating. It wasn’t anything like that because Alec didn’t think Magnus knew anything about his feelings towards him, but it did feel like cheating. He supposed that was because he had liked Magnus for so long, and it felt wrong to see someone else when liking Magnus was a part of him now.

Then, when Magnus and Woolsey walked in, Alec could barely look at him because he felt he was betraying him. It was stupid, but it was the truth.

“Good morning,” Magnus greeted, pulling off his sunglasses because it was a bright spring day outside. “How are we this fine morning?”

“Fine,” Alec replied. “How are you guys?”

“We are swell,” Woolsey answered, looking at the drinks menu for he was more adventurous in his beverages than Magnus who loved his caramel in his coffee every time.

“Actually, we are bored out of our minds,” Magnus said as he looked at the goods behind the glass. “We were meant to be going out of town this weekend, but it is no longer happening.”

“That’s a shame,” Alec said, watching Magnus and only Magnus. There was such a pit in his stomach at the thought of dating someone whilst being in love with this man in front of him.

“It is a travesty,” Magnus said, looking at Alec and smiling before he turned his attention to the goods again. “Please, tell us you are doing something exciting because it will fulfil our boring lives.”

Alec laughed gently before he said, “I’m afraid I’m not doing anything interesting. Same old, same old.”

Magnus went to reply, but Jace interjected, “Actually, he has a date on Friday night.”

Slowly and with intensity, Alec turned his gaze towards Jace and glared at him. Jace did not even look at him, and Alec swore to himself that he wouldn’t throttle him when the store was closed, but he was not sure if he could entrust the future to that promise.

Alec looked back to see both Woolsey and Magnus looking at him with raised brows, Magnus’ jaw having dropped. Alec sighed internally.

“Well, well, well,” Magnus said, beginning to grin. “Who is the guy?”

“I don’t know him,” Alec answered, voice quiet.

“He’s a friend of a friend of ours,” Jace furthered.

“Oh, a blind date,” Woolsey said, wincing. “How are you feeling about that?”

“I’m not really feeling great about it,” Alec answered, honest.

“What do you know about him?” Woolsey asked.

“Not much-,” Alec began.

“He’s Scottish,” Jace interrupted, and Alec really was going to throttle him when the store closed.

“You like a man with an accent, Alec?” Magnus asked, and Alec so nearly said yes, but it was not a Scottish accent he had a soft spot for; he liked an accent that had a lilt to it, affected by the American accent but with hints from Southeast Asia. “I can say I understand.” He looked at Woolsey pointedly, and Alec felt it like a spear in the heart. “Are you working Saturday?”

Alec nodded.

“You will have to tell us all about it,” Magnus declared. “Promise?”

Alec knew he could not get out of it now because he would do anything if it meant more interaction with Magnus. So much of him still detested the idea because a small part of him feared he might enjoy the date, but if it meant something more could come of his conversation with Magnus, then Alec was always going to try for that. He knew it was absurd, but he did enjoy having this crush on Magnus, and if he enjoyed his date with George, he wondered if his crush would fade.

They ordered and Alec totalled it up, and then they left, wishing him good luck with his date. It was a fair few minutes before the bakery was empty and Alec glared a hole into the back of Jace’s head until he looked at him.

Jace rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so ridiculous.”

“Why would you mention that? In front of… you know?”

“Because I think that’s for the best,” Jace said, drying plates and replacing them beneath the counter. “Whilst I don’t think you realise it, you are clearly keeping yourself available on the mere chance Magnus and Woolsey break up so you can have him.”

“That’s not true.” Alec feared it was.

“Sure,” Jace said, and Alec wanted to slap him though, mainly, that was because he feared the truth.

Instead of getting into an argument with him because customers might walk in, Alec went into the back area of the bakery and did a stock take. They didn’t need to do one for another couple of weeks, but Alec was dreading a date that was now two days away, and the idea that he was keeping himself single on the off-chance Woolsey and Magnus broke up was not entirely pleasant.

He had the day off on Friday, and it was actually worse for him. He rather wished he could work so his mind was off meeting some guy he didn’t know but, when he had suggested such a thing to Jace, he had told him that he would not allow him in the bakery whatsoever and that he should take the time to pamper himself before his date. Alec had gone to say he didn’t even know what pampering felt like, but Jace had shut the door before he could, and Alec was getting closer and closer to throttling him.

He showered and spent about an hour wondering which pair of black jeans he should wear. He had gone down to the bakery to get some food and chatted to Kieran and Jace for a while before he had gone back to his apartment and reconsider the jeans he had chosen.

At quarter past six, Jace had come upstairs after finishing his shift to check on what Alec had chosen to wear. He shook his head and went into Alec’s wardrobe to pull out a different pair of jeans and a button-up shirt, saying it would be much nicer and highlighted Alec’s body. Alec did not want to think about that as he dressed and sprayed himself with cologne.

He thought about the last time he had been on a date, and that had been a couple of years ago. They had had sex after they had gone out to eat, but they had known they were not right for each other, and it had given Alec some notion that dating might not be for him. It meant he was not looking forward to this one. George might be sweet, but he would not be Magnus.

Alec made his way to Fell’s, a restaurant in town well-known by those who lived nearby, on foot. It was a slight walk, but Alec enjoyed walking, and the evenings were getting brighter, so it was a nice time for a stroll. The streets were busy because it was Friday night and the weather was warming, everyone enjoying the cooling sun now winter was over.

He got a text from George, Jace having given him his number before he left, saying he had arrived and had their table waiting for them. Alec hated the introductory part, and he was hoping they would soon get over the inevitable awkward section.

Taking a deep breath, Alec walked in and managed to find the table where George was sat. This was the first time he had ever seen George, and Alec supposed he was handsome; he had brown hair curling all around his head, and he had these dimples that appeared when he smiled, and he had these gorgeous muscles showing through the shirt he was wearing. He was very handsome indeed, and when he stood and held out his hand to shake Alec’s, his muscles bulged even further, and Alec was attracted to him, in a way, attracted to his form and body.

“Hello,” George said, his vowels heavy and round. “Alec, right?”

Alec nodded. “George?”

“Aye.” George smiled wide and his dimples were beautiful.

They sat and Alec could feel the tension creeping in. He hated the beginning and he hoped George would be easy conversation. Alec didn’t feel like he was great at being social, and dates were a way to highlight those insecurities.

“I’ve never been here before,” George admitted, picking up his menu and perusing it.

“You don’t live nearby?” Alec asked, mainly to get him to talk again because, really, he did love an accent.

“I used to live just outside Glasgow.”

“I never would have guessed,” Alec said, letting a ghost of a smile appear upon his lips.

George laughed through his nose. “Do you think it’s obvious?”

“Maybe.” This may have been flirting. Alec wasn’t entirely sure.

“Well,” George began after they had smiled at each other for a beat. “I moved over to New York for college. Simon lives near me, when he isn’t travelling. You know Simon, right, that’s how we were, you know, matched.”

“Matched?” Alec repeated, smiling.

“Aye.”

“Yes, I do know Simon.” Alec hadn’t even looked at the menu yet, but it didn’t feel awkward between them. In fact, George was quite easy to get along with. Alec wasn’t sure if there was any more to his interest than lust, but George was easy company, and that was certainly a relief.

They ordered and chatted, and George was delightful. He was polite and handsome and he asked questions and spoke beautifully. Alec was happy to talk to him and happy to listen to him, and it was a nice way to spend a Friday evening. Sure, Magnus was still in the back of his mind, but at least it was the back of his mind, not the forefront.

They shared a dessert, which was very romantic, even Alec had to admit that. He was not sure if he was much of a romantic, and that was mainly because he didn’t have much experience. He wondered, if Magnus was a romantic like Alec thought he likely was, if he would be able to match him. He had been on a few dates, but they had never reached passed the early stages, so he had never been able to distinguish whether he could be a romantic soul or not. So far, he was betting on the latter, but if ever got his chance to be with Magnus, he wondered if he could be made a romantic. He would do anything to please Magnus.

But George was in front of him, and Alec was not so cruel as to think of the man he truly loved when there was a pretty boy in front of him who wanted his attention. George was sweet, and Alec did not have it in him to be cruel. It wasn’t in his nature.

When they got up to leave, George offered to walk Alec home and, as obvious as the implication was, Alec accepted. Alec had wondered if they might hold hands for the cool evening would allow for it, but this was a first date, and Alec wasn’t sure that sort of thing arose during first dates. The first dates in his life had been rather nondescript, they had either warranted no further dates or a few more before that ended too. It had been the case since he was eighteen. Dating was not his thing, though he would make it his thing if Magnus wanted to date him.

But George was beside him, and Alec was not so cruel as to think of the man he truly loved when there was a pretty boy beside him who wanted his attention.

They didn’t hold hands, but George would often touch Alec’s arm when he spoke, and it did send a spark through him when his skin was touched by George’s tanned fingers. It wasn’t because he thought there might be something between them but because it had been so long since he had been touched like that, with affection. It had been months since someone had grazed his arm with intent clear on their mind. He had tried to date after realising how in love with Magnus he was, but they hadn’t gone well, and he had abstained from sex and desire for about seven months now. It wasn’t doing him any good, and to be touched as George was touching him was sending him a little insane.

When they reached the bakery, closed of course because it was half-past ten, they stopped outside it. George peered through the window where the shutters didn’t reach and Alec watched the moonlight touch the tips of the curls atop George’s head. He wanted, for a moment, to run his hand through those curls, to know how soft them might feel. He fisted his hands by his sides to stop himself because, with the current want warring inside him, he knew if he touched him now, they would be fucking on the side of the road, and Alec thought that might be illegal.

“So, this is _Lightwood Delights_?” George asked, each syllable stunning as it left George’s tongue.

Alec nodded.

“What other delights does this Lightwood possess?” George asked, quirking his brow.

Alec laughed through his nose.

George’s smile brought out his dimples, and Alec wanted to kiss him for a moment. He dug his nails into his palms because he didn’t know if he could hurt George like that. To have sex with him knowing it would be nothing more might hurt George, who seemed sweet and genuinely interested in him. Maybe George just wanted sex as well. Alec had heard having sex on the first date didn’t bode well for future relationships, and he didn’t know how true that really was, but considering he did it a lot on his first dates and was suffering alone now boded in favour of its truth. Maybe if he had sex with Magnus instead, maybe things would be different then.

But George was in front of him, and Alec was not so cruel as to think of the man he truly loved when there was a pretty boy in front of him who wanted his attention.

“Do you have the keys?” George asked. “To go inside?”

Alec nodded and, even though he didn’t know why George might want to see a bakery when it was closed, he got out his keys and unlocked the series of locks keeping the bakery secure. He switched on the lights but kept the main shutters drawn for he didn’t want people to think they were breaking in. He locked everything behind them because they could get to Alec’s apartment, where Alec thought they might end up, from a door at the back of the bakery that led to the apartment stairwell.

Of course, there was nothing on display for all the cakes and goods were taken elsewhere where they wouldn’t go stale and where they could be kept fresh for as long as possible. George, however, didn’t seem to care, for he looked at everything with a genuine intrigue.

“You looking to start your own bakery?” Alec asked, leaning on one of the counters as George peered over the side. “Or are you looking to steal?”

George laughed and looked at Alec. He came towards him then, leaning on the counter beside him. He bit his lip and smiled this kind of smile that lit up his eyes, his dimples coming out in full. Alec found himself smiling at him, wishing he could think of George and not Magnus Bane and the way he smiled. He wondered what Magnus might look like if he bit his lip like George and, even though George was in front of him, Alec felt he was cruel because he was thinking of the man he loved even though George wanted his attention.

“If I’m honest,” George said, reaching over and pushing some of Alec’s hair out of his face. “I was looking for an easy way into your apartment.”

“To steal from there as well?” Alec asked, smiling despite himself.

George laughed again, his hand coming down and tracing the line of Alec’s body until he settled on the beltloop of Alec’s jeans. He fiddled with it idly, watching his fingers move.

Alec, realising he would not be able to abstain from his want and desire any longer because, with George watching him and touching him, his body thrummed with hunger, decided he would be okay with what passed next. It was a hunger that had crept into him two years ago, and he had tried to find other ways to satiate it but nothing had worked, it would always remained unfulfilled. He knew George might not satiate it, but it was worth a try. He hoped George wouldn’t hate him when it came to morning.

Reaching his hand to George’s, he pulled him through the back of the bakery and, after swiftly unlocking and locking the backdoor entrance to the stairwell, he led him up the first flight of stairs and into his apartment. He knew Jace wasn’t there because he had explicitly mentioned he would be at Clary’s for the evening should Alec want to bring home a Scottish date. Ignoring the memory of the smirk that had set on Jace’s lips after mentioning that, Alec pushed George against the wall and kissed him, fierce.

George hummed, content, and then they were tearing each other’s clothes off and Alec was pulling George towards the bedroom. Things fell to the floor, Alec acutely aware of his shirt being left in front of his bedroom door and of his belt falling to the floor. He thought of his trousers leaving a trail to the bed alongside George’s before they collapsed onto the sheets, bodies bare and wanting.

Alec was obtusely aware of what passed as George bit into his neck, as they rucked into each other, as they came on each other’s stomachs. He was aware of being touched and kissed, of touching George’s tanned body and putting his lips to his skin, he was aware his thoughts turned away from Magnus, in a way, and towards a content bliss as his orgasm ran through him.

Then he was aware of his body feeling quite exhausted as George collapsed onto his chest and falling asleep quite soon after.

The next morning, the sun was just beginning to rise, but Alec had to get up despite the darkness to open the bakery. George was lying, rather serenely, across his chest, and Alec watched him for a moment, wishing to feel something for him. But he was going to see Magnus today, and nothing else was on his mind.

Alec stirred which, in turn, made George stir, his body rather unveiled by the sheet just covering his hips. There was much of his tanned skin on show and, whilst beautiful, it just wasn’t the body he wanted.

“Morning,” George greeted, rubbing his face on Alec’s chest before he pushed himself up. His hair was skewwhiff, and Alec reached up and smoothed it down. It was, perhaps, a mistake, because it showed he was fond of George. Whilst he was sure he could come to be fond of George, he wasn’t now and he didn’t want to hurt George by making him think he did care for him in that way.

“Sleep okay?” Alec asked.

“Wonderfully, thank you.” George smiled, dimples prominent in his beautiful face.

“I hate to cut this short,” Alec said, pushing himself up and George sitting up as well, the sheets falling around him, framing his body. “But I do have to open the bakery.”

“Oh, oh, of course,” George said, rubbing his face. His smile afterwards was lovely, and Alec wished it might warm his heart, even if for only a moment.

Alec showered first, jumping in as George made toast. Alec couldn’t stay for long, but he did eat a slice, touched by the way George buttered things. He wondered, if he could stay here for a little longer, if he might develop feelings for George. But he didn’t have any longer, and he didn’t know if he was relieved about that or not.

When they parted ways, George kissed Alec on the cheek, and Alec wondered if they could leave it at that. George might want something more, but Alec couldn’t give it to him.

Jace came in at seven, curiosity clear in his gaze. Alec wasn’t sure what to tell him; he had had a good time, but he couldn’t do anything more. Dating had been fine, but that part where he went from single to taken was not a possibility, and he knew Jace wanted that possibility. Alec didn’t know how to tell him just how in love with Magnus Bane he was.

“Did he sleep over?” Jace asked when Alec said nothing after opening the bakery.

“Does it matter?”

“Yes,” Jace said. “I can’t tell if you enjoyed it or not.”

“I thought you said you would be able to tell if I was lying,” Alec said, wiping down counters and rearranging cakes.

“There’s something conflicting in you,” Jace said and Alec rolled his eyes. “He slept over, didn’t he?”

“Jace.” Alec looked directly at him. “Shut up.”

Alec did not cheer up until Magnus Bane walked in, though it was, unfortunately, tainted with Woolsey beside him. It was even worse when Magnus smiled knowingly, and Alec wished Jace hadn’t mentioned his date.

“How did it go?” Magnus asked, leaning across the counter as he always did.

“It was, yeah…” Alec began explaining half-heartedly. “You know-.”

He was cut off by the door opening, and Alec glanced at the newcomer, his heart dropping. George, with his beautiful curls, smiled somewhat apologetically. Noticing Alec staring, Magnus looked back to George and seemed to understand in an instant.

“Hi,” George greeted, walking carefully up towards the counter. Then, in a lower voice, he said to Alec, “I think I dropped my keys in your apartment last night.”

Alec wanted to combust. Magnus and Woolsey looked at Alec, both smirking.

“Let me just finish-,” Alec began.

“No, no,” Magnus interrupted. “Go ahead, we’ll wait.”

Alec nodded painfully slowly and wiped his hands on his apron before he pulled it off and went through the back, George following along. He tried to ignore the gazes tracking them as they left.

Inside his apartment, they searched until George found his keys, which had slid underneath the couch in their haste to rid each other of clothing the night before. He put them in his pocket and looked at Alec, dimples galore on show, his curls glimmering underneath the spring sun that poured through the windows.

“Well,” George said, stepping closer to Alec who had retreated to the door so they might leave. “Thank you, for last night. I had a really nice time.”

“Me, too,” Alec said, for he did. It just couldn’t happen again. He didn’t want to hurt George like that.

“Do you think, maybe, we could see each other again?” George asked, and his smile was so lovely, Alec really could have said yes. But it wasn’t fair, and Alec thought he was kinder than the person who would say yes to lovely George.

“George, I want to be honest with you,” Alec began, George nodding. “I did have a lovely time last night, and you’re really lovely, I mean it.”

“Okay…?” George likely knew what was coming.

“It’s just… I’m quite in love with someone,” Alec admitted, voicing it for the first time. All his friends and his sister knew it was a crush, none of them really knew just how in love with him he was. “And I don’t want to be cruel to you and make you think this might be anything… I don’t know… I’m sorry.”

“No, no, not at all,” George said, but Alec could see his smile had dimmed. “Thank you for letting me know.”

George still leaned up and kissed Alec on the cheek.

“I hope it works out for you,” George said, his eyes glimmering less, the twinkle missing.

“I’m sorry,” Alec repeated, opening the door for them both. “You are lovely, George.”

George laughed.

When they reached the bakery, George bid a quick goodbye to Jace and left with a final wave to Alec. Alec felt a great shame well up within him. Woolsey and Magnus were still waiting, and Alec almost wished they weren’t here, which was the first time he had ever wished Magnus might leave him alone.

“So, how did it go?” Magnus asked in an exaggerated voice. Even Jace was looking at him.

“He was very nice,” Alec said, and it was true.

Perhaps the lack of enthusiasm triggered Woolsey’s next question.

“So, what was the problem with him? Small… equipment?”

Jace laughed. Magnus smirked. Alec shrugged.

“Just not my type,” Alec answered, chancing a glance at Magnus who pouted for him.

“And a pretty boy with a pretty accent isn’t your type?” Woolsey’s asked. “Who doesn’t like that?”

Alec just shrugged and threw them a smile. “He was very nice, but… you know.”

“And what is your type?” Magnus asked after a beat.

Alec looked directly at Magnus and was unable to restrain himself from swallowing. His green eyes were so light, they were almost yellow, and the yellow flecks amongst the colour were like daffodils in a lush field. He had memorised the colour many months ago and often dreamt of them in the night. He had dreamt of them last night and it was then that he had realised he could not be cruel to George.

For fear of revealing himself to the man he loved most in the world, he could only shrug, hoping Woolsey didn’t note anything in his gaze.

“I don’t know, really. It’s just not George,” Alec said, releasing a deep breath he hoped everyone read as being saddened for himself about George, and not because he was overwhelmed by Magnus’ beauty.

“That is a great shame,” Magnus said.

If only he knew what a great shame it was to be given a guy who was interested in him and having to discard him because he was in love with the man in front of him instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays to everyone who is celebrating something! I hope everyone makes the most of any breaks they might be on, and remember to treat yourself, because you definitely deserve it! x


	4. The Hours of Waiting

> “Wait. This was the first lesson I had learned about love. The day drags along, you make thousands of plans, you imagine every possible conversation, you promise to change your behavior in certain ways -- and you feel more and more anxious until your loved one arrives. But by then, you don't know what to say. The hours of waiting have been transformed into tension, the tension has become fear, and the fear makes you embarrassed about showing affection.”   
> ― Paulo Coelho, _By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept_

Alec was dying to kiss Magnus. Just once. He was sure he could live a lifetime of peace after knowing what his lips tasted like, even if it was just for a second. He had come into the bakery wearing this red lipstick that suited his brown skin, a matte tone, and Alec wanted to kiss him, to know if it would stain his own lips. He was desperate to know what he tasted like, desperate to feel his mouth against his own.

Each Christmas, he had put up mistletoe, and he thought Magnus might be the kind of guy who would always take up that opportunity. He had always put it up near the counter where Magnus would usually stand, and he would wait. Others would use it; Jace and Clary, Mark whenever he visited and Kieran and/or Cristina were working. Other customers who were a couple would utilise it. Alec knew it was a possibility, and yearned for it, always chancing glances at it when Magnus stepped in, but Magnus had only ever noticed it once, and kissed Woolsey instead. How Alec detested watching them kiss.

He still watched, not voyeuristically, but he had to see it, he couldn’t look away like anyone else might. It had been detrimental, in the end, because with the perfect image of Magnus pressing his lips to another pair of lips, even if they were Woolsey’s, it kept his mind satiated for a long while. He could never forget the way Magnus had closed his eyes, the way they had met in the middle, the way Magnus looked like he had been sculpted by Praxiteles, this perfect image of lust and desire. He had dreamed of being kissed by him, and seeing him kiss fuelled this burning, ever bright fire within him.

But he was still dating Woolsey and, even though it was ridiculous, Alec felt like they were dating just to spite him. The world must be spiting him, Alec thought. He had been in love with him for almost two and a half years, and maybe Magnus and Woolsey were in love, but Alec thought he had done something cruel to Raziel for him to be torturing him like this.

Every syllable Magnus spoke was ethereal, enhanced by the gorgeous shade of his lips. Alec could watch him speak forever. He sincerely hoped no one watched him as he stared at Magnus, dreaming about what his lips would taste like, if his lipstick or lip-gloss had a taste of some kind. If they did look at him, they would see a boy in love. Whilst it was the truth, he did not need strangers or Woolsey figuring that out. He wondered if Magnus knew, but something told him he didn’t.

It was a miracle, Alec supposed, that they never remained in the bakery to eat. Alec would never be able to concentrate if Magnus remained, if he had to watch him eat and drink, his throat working as he swallowed. Alec had a bakery to run, and he would not be able to focus on customers or cleaning or baking if Magnus stayed in the vicinity.

He was so exquisite. Alec was an absolute disaster with a heart full of love for a man he could not have. They were a handsome pair, Alec could not deny it, but he so wanted to be the guy attached to Magnus’ hand. As the days warmed, Magnus wearing sleeveless shirts and shorts, Alec marvelled at how lucky Woolsey was because he could touch that skin, press his lips to it in moments of passion. Woolsey got to hold him, got to see him all the time, wake next to him, and Alec envied him more than he could even say.

What a dream it would be, to wake up next to Magnus Bane after having gone to bed with him the night before. Alec had dreamt it often, and he wondered if he would be able to cope if that reality ever arose, not that he thought it ever would. The mere thought of waking up next to his beautiful face sent his heart aflutter, and if it ever happened, he thought his heart might explode.

That evening, after imagining what Magnus’ lips tasted like when they were glimmering underneath the sun, Jace had to snap him out of his stupor by clapping in front of his face. It jolted him from his thoughts of Magnus and his brown skin, and he found himself standing in the bakery holding a mop.

“This is getting ludicrous,” Jace said, jumping up and siting on one of the tables. Alec would have scolded him, but Magnus had looked so pretty today, he didn’t have it in him to be angry at anyone.

“It has always been ludicrous,” Alec said, continuing to mop. “Nothing has changed to make it more or less ludicrous now.”

“Yeah, but it’s been going on quite a while now, Alec,” Jace said, as if Alec did not know this already, as if it had not been his life for as long as it had been, as if the hours of waiting had not been long and uncountable. “I thought it might have faded by now.”

“Well, it hasn’t, has it?” Alec said, a touch bitter because, whilst others could observe the situation, it was _Alec’s_ life, and he had to live it.

“I know someone else-.”

“I don’t want another date, Jace. Thank you, but I’m fine.”

“Alec-.”

“I will beat you with this mop, Jace,” Alec interrupted, glad it pulled a smirk from his colleague.

“Well, I certainly don’t want that,” Jace said, and he jumped off the table and started wiping them down like he should have been in the first place. “Since you’re off next week, I think you should go hunting for good-looking boys.”

“Go hunting where, exactly?” Alec asked, glad Jace was talking about it with humour now. It made Alec feel the haunting and awful reality when Jace was being serious. If he could pretend that this crush on Magnus was not debilitating, then he could continue functioning with the rest of his life.

“I don’t know. Clubs?”

“When was the last time I was at a club? In fact, when have I _ever_ been to a club?”

“Maybe that’s where you’re going wrong.”

“Maybe.”

Alec wasn’t entirely sure what he would be doing on his week off. He took a few weeks off here and there during the year, and he always took one off during summer. He decided to take one of the earlier weeks of summer this time because the weather was pleasant. There was the unfortunate case of children being around more because they were off from school, but he couldn’t control that.

What he was sure he would not be doing on his week off was looking for guys at clubs. Whilst he was feeling a certain ache at not being the guy who got to fall asleep next to Magnus, he was still not being pulled towards anyone else. No one else piqued his interest. There were pretty people who came in and were interesting, but no one was as interesting at Magnus, there was no one who took Alec’s thoughts away from Magnus, not even for a second. Going to clubs to find guys wasn’t going to change that, and Alec knew that was the case, so he wasn’t even going to try.

On his Monday off, it had rained, typical of course. Alec had stayed inside and watched television, baking a syrup sponge when he could no longer watch _Judge Judy_ for a fifth hour. It wasn’t so bad, a little dull, but sometimes that was the case with days off. Having baking to fill his time was an advantage that he used often.

On his Tuesday off, the day had been much nicer, and Alec had ventured outside for a walk and a drink in the nearest park. There had been many children running about and screaming, but Alec supposed they were having fun and decided not to hate them for it. He had likely behaved the same as a child when his parents had allowed it, and there was certainly a lot of joy to be felt when school released people from its grip.

On his Wednesday off, he had thought about going to the bakery when Woolsey and Magnus were there, but the idea that he would cause them some intrigue if he was missing made him stay away. It was a little odd, he supposed, but the idea that they were used to seeing him behind the counter, and then they wouldn’t, that was enticing enough. So, instead of waiting at the bakery like the lost puppy he truly was, he went out and enjoyed the sunshine, kids calling and laughing as the sun shone down upon them and the breeze ruffled the leaves.

On his Thursday off, he tried baking new cakes, coming up with something fresh. As he had been off for a week, he wanted to bring some new items into his shop. Keeping it fresh was the best way to keep business thriving, as long as he kept the ones people loved as well.

On his Friday off, he was baking still. He did so love to bake. Some people might think it was too repetitive. If you did anything long enough, even if you loved it, you could grow to hate it. Alec hadn’t had that feeling yet, and he didn’t think it was going to arise. Perhaps that was because you could bake so many different things; cakes, cookies, though he had never been great at those, breads, croissants, everything savoury and everything sweet. He could make glazes and syrups, he could use fruits or sweets, there was so much he could do, and Alec felt that kept it fresh. If he baked the same thing every single day, he could understand it if he came to loathe it at times, but it was different every day, and that was what made him love it even more.

Saturday was the best day.

He had chosen to stay away from the bakery again, wanting to induce more curiosity in Magnus, but he hadn’t ventured too far. It was devastatingly hot, and even walking a few steps would cause sweat to bead on his forehead. He sat down at the closest park and let the sun cover him in its warmth.

The park itself was covered with people; families with picnic blankets, couples sitting underneath the trees for shade, people reading and enjoying the hot weather. It was a beautiful day, even if it was scorching hot, and Alec enjoyed watching people as they went about their day. People could be so interesting when they thought they weren’t being watched, and Alec enjoyed just sitting down and observing. He felt he was a much better observer than partaker.

“Alec?” a voice asked, and Alec would know it anywhere.

He looked up from where he was sat and saw his Magnus standing above him, the sun behind his head. Angelic. This was the first time he had ever seen him outside of the bakery, and he was just as beautiful in the real world.

And there was no Woolsey beside him. The world was giving him a gift, and Alec was almost overwhelmed. Of course, he didn’t think anything was going to happen, but to have Magnus alone like this, who knew what could happen, what might be spoken between them. The opportunity welled up inside his chest as he smiled at Magnus.

“Hello,” Magnus greeted, and Alec gestured for him to sit, his heart pounding when Magnus did.

“Hi,” Alec replied, staring at Magnus with his sunglasses on, an image of absolute perfection.

“And what are you doing here?” Magnus asked. “I have been frantically worried. I did not see you today nor on Wednesday. What has been going on?”

“I have a week off,” Alec explained, in love with the idea that Magnus had thought about him. Sure, he was exaggerating, but it still meant he had thought about him, and the mere idea of that made his heart pound like he had been running a marathon. “Where’s Woolsey?”

“Oh, he’s in London actually. Has been all week, family things,” Magnus said, looking out onto the park before him, Alec unable to look away from his profile. This might have been the closest he had ever been to him, and he was not going to pass that up.

“You didn’t go with him?” Alec asked, wondering if he should hope for something out of Magnus’ answer. Innately, that was cruel for Alec did not want their relationship to be tumultuous and awful. If he wished for something out of his answer, it meant he was wishing for them to be unhappy together, and Alec felt poor for thinking something like that.

Magnus shook his head. “I couldn’t get the time off work.”

Alec could hope for nothing from that answer and wanted to move on. He also wanted to move on because it was mightily unfair for him to wish anything like that.

“And what have you been doing on your week off, Alec?”

“Baking,” Alec answered. “A lot of baking.”

“Yeah?”

Alec nodded.

“I expect something fantastic on Wednesday then,” Magnus said. “If you’ve been baking all week.”

“I’ll try.” Alec smiled bashfully at Magnus’ smirk, his heart just about to soar out of his chest.

They stayed there for a while, over half an hour but not quite an hour. Alec hadn’t been watching the clock because he had been invested in his time, in their conversation, in the way Magnus looked at him when he spoke. To have him, this close, it was unfathomable. They talked, and they enjoyed the sun. Alec was, however, more aware of the warmth coming from Magnus’ body than from the sun. Their shoulders weren’t brushing, which was a shame, but he was close enough, and that was the best thing in the world. He could glance at Magnus freely, and it wouldn’t feel like anybody would notice his crush because it was allowed out here, where Woolsey wasn’t about.

Even though it lasted all that time, it felt like it was over too soon. Alec could have stayed there the whole afternoon and evening, chatting gently with Magnus about nothing in particular. But Magnus had a life, and although Alec wanted to be a part of it, they had to go their separate ways.

“Well,” Magnus began in that tone that signalled things were coming to an end. Alec’s heart dropped. “This was lovely.”

“Yeah,” Alec agreed.

“I do have to go,” Magnus said, standing. “But I will see you Wednesday. I expect great things.”

“I’ll see you Wednesday,” Alec replied, smiling and watching Magnus all the way until he could see him no longer. It had been a perfect and wonderful day and he had spent time alone with Magnus. Ever since he had come in with Woolsey, Alec never thought he would get to spend time with him, never thought the opportunity would come where Woolsey would not be beside him. But it had happened, and it was more perfect than he could have imagined, even if they hadn’t said anything revealing or deep. It was just a small chat, and Alec loved it, treasured it.

On Sunday, he had perfected a few of the things he had been baking, and he was eager to show them to the world, to Magnus. He hoped Magnus enjoyed them. If he could get away with it, he would give Magnus free samples of his creations, but he knew he would not get away with that, so it would stay in his dreams.

When Wednesday dawned, Alec was excited by the prospect of seeing Magnus and having him taste some of the things he had created, but less excited that Woolsey would be back. Despite that, he was still overwhelmed with exhilaration because their conversation on the bench had showed that they could get along outside of the bakery, that they could have a conversation just like any two people. Although it likely wouldn’t happen again, it was promising in an odd way.

His excitement only grew when Magnus came in and there was no Woolsey attached to his hand, and, even though that didn’t mean anything, it filled Alec’s heart. The chances were that Woolsey was still in London, but with Magnus walking around solo, it did some astonishing things to Alec’s lonesome heart.

“Good morning,” Alec greeted when he had finished serving the customer before Magnus, glad Magnus always came to him for service, even when someone else was available. “No Woolsey still?”

“Still in London, yes,” Magnus said. “Absolute travesty, leaving me alone like this. I’m not a man destined to be alone.”

Calming his heart, Alec said, “How cruel of him.”

The smile it pulled from Magnus’ lips was the most satisfying thing in the world. Alec smiled back, and he wondered if their time on the bench had made them closer, brought them together.

Magnus looked down to the cakes behind the glass then and his eyes widened. Alec had three news bakes, and he wanted Magnus to try each of them.

“You have been busy,” Magnus admired. “Which one to choose, that is always the dilemma.”

“I can give you a sample of each,” Alec offered, hoping no one else was listening because this was preferential treatment and, in customer service, that was not something you were meant to do.

“Oh, don’t tease me so,” Magnus said. “If I have a sample of each, I’ll have to have a slice of each, and then I’ll be buying everything in the room.”

“You’d keep me in business,” Alec said.

Magnus laughed. “At the cost of my slim waist.”

Alec laughed, in love with the twinkle laughter brought to Magnus’ green eyes. He could watch him forever like that, adoring and smitten. Maybe Magnus coming in alone was affecting him even more than he affected him usually, but he was sure when Woolsey came back into the bakery, it would crush him. Although he was totally aware there was nothing happening between them, his heart was hopeful and he could not control that.

They spoke for a short while about the cakes and which ones Magnus would prefer, venturing onto a couple of other topics, Alec happy to talk to him forever. Eventually, Magnus settled from the lemon sponge Alec had concocted, and Alec made sure to tell Magnus to let him know what he thought of it.

“Darling, I’m sure it will be delicious,” Magnus said, Alec handing him the coffee with a helping of caramel. The term of affection, although casual, sent Alec’s heart soaring. “But I will let you know if it is even more delicious than usual.”

“Thank you,” Alec said, beaming.

“See you Saturday.” Magnus winked at him as he left and Alec’s face felt like it caught on fire. He decided to take his break shortly after, ignoring Kieran’s mocking stare, and splash cold water on his cheeks to calm himself down.

It fell apart on Saturday, of course, because Woolsey returned, holding Magnus’ hand. Although Alec had known seeing Magnus alone meant nothing, that it was just chance that it happened, a very real part of life, Alec’s heart had been joyful. Without Woolsey at his hip, he could pass as single, and Alec would give anything to see Magnus Bane single so that he might take that status away again. It was a dream his fragile, lustful heart clung to.

“It has been a while, Alec,” Woolsey greeted, smiling his pleasant, wolfish smile. “Magnus tells me you have exciting cakes.”

Alec nodded, overwhelmed by the amount of skin Magnus was showing in his vest with some print of a beach on it. His sunglasses hung in the vee of the shirt, bringing it even lower and showing the top of his pectorals. Alec’s throat was so close to drying out, he could barely speak. His brown skin was so beautiful, and so much of it was showing, Alec could not help but wonder what his biceps might feel like if he could be lucky enough to run his hands across his body.

“How was, uh, how was London?” Alec asked, throat dry as Magnus looked at the cakes behind the glass, his skin glistening underneath the sun that came through the windows.

Woolsey sighed. “Awful. My family are atrocious.”

“I know the feeling,” Alec said.

“How tragic our lives are,” Magnus said, smirking up at Alec for a moment.

Woolsey was smiling as well. “I hate going to London.”

“Because of your family?” Alec asked. He was trying not to stare at Magnus and his body on show, but it was taking quite a lot of force.

Woolsey nodded, running a hand through his long, blonde locks. Alec was sympathetic. He did not like going to see his family either.

“They are quite awful people,” Woolsey said. “London reminds me only of that.”

“That’s a shame,” Alec said.

“But now he lives in New York with a very desirable man, so his life is just swell now,” Magnus said. Woolsey rolled his eyes and Alec was greatly envious of him, being able to joke about his relationship with Magnus. Alec was so envious, he feared he might be turning green.

Before he could fear it too much, they ordered one of Alec’s new creations, got their regular coffees, and were gone again. Alec watched them leave, his heart going with Magnus and his beautiful body.

That evening, watching some dating programme because Jace liked to ridicule the contestants, secretly loving it at the same time, Alec felt his envy creep up into him again. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was watching people get matched on the television and, although it certainly wasn’t going to last, they were able to be with people they wanted, people they were lusting after. Alec had to watch from afar, infatuated with a man who wouldn’t likely ever be his. These people on television could easily get with the people they wanted, and that would be that. Alec was stuck, admiring from afar and wishing.

It conjured up thoughts of Magnus as an unobtainable love, which he had always been really. Alec thought of him as off-limits, as someone he shouldn’t even really look at because to look at him was to set Alec’s heart on fire. It filled him with a love that would not be answered, and it would lead to more disappointment than he felt in his day to day life.

And yet it would not stop. No matter how much pain it caused his loving heart, it was still there, ebbing away at his happiness and his heart, it was there more and more each day. Every time he saw him, he fell in love with him a bit further, whether it was with his eyelashes or his smile or the way he said a word he hadn’t said before or the way his fingers held the cup of coffee, Alec was finding minute details to fall in love, and it was breaking his heart as much as it was filling it. What a ridiculous and perilous situation to be in as Alec hated it and loved it at the same time too.


	5. Constant Hungry Waiting

> “I want to reach out and grab his hand and hold it to me, right over my heart, right where it aches the most. I don't know if doing that would heal me or make my heart break entirely, but either way this constant hungry waiting would be over.”   
> ― Ally Condie, _Matched_

There were a hundred reasons why Alec hated going to see his family. One of them was because they were as dysfunctional as a family could be. Another was because his sister was about to start college and his family were praising her more than they had ever praised Alec in his entire life. On top of that, there was the issue with the bakery where they would never be satisfied, though Alec was getting used to that by now.

The worst part was his parents asking him about his love life. Alec didn’t have much of a love life, and he was constantly reminded that his youth was slowly retreating. He wasn’t that old, but his parents had married when Robert was twenty-one and Maryse had been twenty, and Alec was no longer that age. They liked to remind him of that at every opportunity and, whilst it wasn’t a typical age for marriage anymore, his parents were stuck in the past and they thought Alec was doomed because he wasn’t dating at twenty-five.

Sure, Alec was doomed in relationships, but not because of his age. His parents were unaware of his love for Magnus, and Alec intended to keep it that way forever. They wanted Alec to marry and adopt children the second he could, but Alec knew that wasn’t going to happen, not any time soon at least.

It was all that was running through his mind as he made his way over to his mother’s house, preparing to stay there for the whole weekend. He had not been able to see Magnus that Saturday morning, which had put him in a terrible mood, and it was only going to get worse. Maryse and Robert wanted the family together so they could celebrate Izzy going to college, which Alec was painfully aware of. He was happy for her, but not happy with how his parents were now treating him because of it.

He was not looking forward to being there for an evening and then the next morning as well, but he was there to support his sister. They got through these things together. There was also Max, who was still left at home, and they would go there for him as well.

When he arrived, he rang the bell and waited, readjusting his backpack that had his sleepwear in it. There had been a time where he had had clothes here, but it had become Max’s room as it was bigger than his previous and they had renovated Max’s room into a spare room that was mainly for storage. None of Alec’s things remained except some pictures, and Alec decided that was what every parent did when a child moved out, but he wondered if they treated his memories like that because he did not turn out the way they had wanted him to.

It was Robert who answered the door this time, reading glasses low on his nose. He made a sort of grunt as his hello and opened the door wider for Alec to walk in. He put his backpack down in the hall, took off his shoes and then followed his father into the living room. As ever, Max was sat in the corner reading, Izzy was tucked up beside Simon, and Maryse was staring out of the window, trying to see if the neighbours were up to no good.

Max looked up when Alec came in, throwing him a small smile before he went back to his book. Izzy’s shoulders relaxed but Simon seemed to be stuck staring at the wall and did not notice Alec until he sat down beside him.

Conversation began and it was not long before it came around to Alec’s bakery. Alec defended himself, using the same excuses he had been using since he had bought the store, and it ended the way it always ended. It was always that way, as if they were trying to look for weaknesses each time he spoke about it, trying to see if he faltered at any point, looking to catch him out. Alec was confident they wouldn’t, but it was exhausting all the same.

It was during dinner where things got worse. They always asked about Alec’s love life during dinner, and Alec dreaded the questions arising as they settled down to eat. The fact his sister had been in a committed relationship for almost two years where Alec hadn’t had anyone to rely on ever, it did not help the situation. They all sat around the big dining table, food galore in front of them, and Alec prepared himself for the questions. No one was in a fabulous mood; Simon still felt awkward, Izzy would rather be anywhere else, Max was forced to put his book down and participate, Robert wanted to be with his girlfriend who wasn’t allowed at these things yet, and Maryse was the one orchestrating it all and could see it was not working which put her in a bad mood. Alec really rather disliked coming home.

“So,” Maryse began, passing around a bowl of potatoes to Izzy. “I see you’ve come here alone again, Alexander.”

Alec looked at his mother and nodded, knowing this was the beginning of the dreaded relationship conversation. He never even considered telling his mother the truth, but he could feel her disappointment, and he hated anyone being disappointed in him. He could also feel his sister watching him, and Alec rather hated that too for she knew the situation and wanted to rectify it, and Alec hated the knowledge that there really was no way to rectify it.

“And there’s no one then, that you would consider bringing to family meals?” Maryse asked.

Alec shook his head.

“Still no change in that department?” Robert asked. He likely thought it was easy to find someone to date considering he had a girlfriend after he had previously had a wife, but it was so much more difficult for Alec because he had found someone he wanted to date, but he would never get him.

“No,” Alec said, taking the vegetables from his brother and spooning some onto his plate. He took a slight pleasure in being able to focus on something else other than his father’s staring.

“And why is that?” Robert asked.

“Just, you know,” Alec began, passing the bowl to his father and pouring himself some water so he still didn’t have to look at him when he spoke. “It’s not so easy, trying to find someone.”

“The bakery is taking too much of your time,” Maryse said, as if that was exactly what Alec had said even though that wasn’t the case whatsoever.

“No, I didn’t say that,” Alec corrected. He didn’t want to lie and say he wasn’t looking for anyone, but he was also not going to say the truth either. Finding that balance was not as easy as he wished it was. “I just… I’ve never been one to go out and try to find someone, and that’s still the case today.”

“Does that mean you’ve not been dating?” Maryse asked as they all began to eat.

“No, I have not been dating.”

“Surely, it’s not difficult to find someone to date. There’s plenty of gay people in the city, everyone’s always talking about it,” Maryse said and, though she didn’t mean harm, Alec really wanted to tell her every reason that that was not how she should have phrased it.

Restraining from rolling his eyes, Alec said, “You know, we try to find people with similar interests other than sexuality just like heterosexuals, mum. It’s not enough just that someone else is gay.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know. But I’m just saying, there may be plenty of gay people in the city, but that doesn’t mean I want to date any of them,” Alec said.

“Maybe you’re just being a touch fussy,” Maryse said. “You’re not going to be this young forever.”

“Does my age really matter?” Alec asked. “I’m not going to be having children, you know.”

“It’s not just about that,” Robert said. “It can be difficult to find people when you’re older. Your looks fade, you know. Dating when you’re older isn’t easy.”

“Oh, and how old is Anna?” Izzy asked, and Alec bit back his smirk.

“We don’t talk about Anna at the dinner table, Isabelle,” Maryse said, but Alec didn’t care because it meant that part of the conversation was over. Alec wouldn’t have to suffer through any more questions for the rest of the evening.

It didn’t make things any better, but at least they weren’t talking about Alec’s love life and constantly reminding him of just how in love with Magnus Bane he was. He could not wait until it was time for them all to go to bed.

As Simon washed his face and cleaned his teeth, Alec made his way to his sister’s room for a chat. They could talk so much more easily when their parents weren’t about, but he supposed that was true for most families.

Sitting down on the bed as she lay on top of it with her knees tucked up, he sent her a smile, sighing as well.

“What’s wrong?” Izzy asked as she braided her hair for bed.

“I just dislike this place,” Alec explained. He rested his back against the headboard. “I dislike their questions. I dislike the spare room. I dislike the way the clock ticks too loudly in the front room. I dislike… it all.”

Izzy laughed. “You really haven’t been dating, then?”

Izzy didn’t ask the question like his parents did. She wasn’t trying to force him to date. Whilst she knew the truth and likely wanted it rectified so Alec could date happily, she wasn’t asking him because she thought it ridiculous he wasn’t dating at twenty-five. Alec preferred her asking the question, but he would have preferred it further to not have been asked at all.

“I had a date a while back,” Alec answered. “But it was set up by Jace and Clary and didn’t go very far.”

“Why not?”

Alec looked at her pointedly, and Izzy laughed through her nose, but it was sad.

“Because of Magnus?” Izzy asked for clarification.

Alec shrugged, but it was more yes than no.

“You didn’t like the guy at all?” Izzy asked.

“He was really sweet,” Alec said. “But that just isn’t what I want.”

“What do you want? Other than Magnus, I mean.”

“I couldn’t tell you.” All of Alec’s thoughts of wants and desires were consumed with Magnus. If he tried to separate them, he found he could not. When, once, he was sure he had had a distinct taste, distinct desires and wants that were not associated with a singular person, that had changed, warped now that he had coveted Magnus for so long, moulded into something new because of this constant hungry waiting. To think of his wants was to think of Magnus, and to think of Magnus was to think of his wants. He could not separate them, and he knew he should not tell that to anyone because of the pity they would give him afterwards.

“That’s a real shame.”

Alec nodded. “But how are you and Simon?”

She smiled this almost bashful smile. Alec could remember a time where she would sweep every guy off his feet and then leave them on the floor. She was untouchable, Alec had known that, and she wanted whoever she wanted and no one else could get in her way. She had such a confidence and almost carefree attitude about guys, and Alec had almost admired her for it at one point.

But it was different with Simon, _she_ was different with Simon. She became herself, truly, sweeter and in love. Alec envied her for that, but he also wished her all the happiness in the world. If Simon continued to treat her the way she deserved, then Alec was fine with him being the one she devoted herself to.

She spoke more of their tales of travelling, the riskier things they had done that they wouldn’t want to tell their parents, like bungee jumping and climbing without the proper equipment. She spoke of her travels and of Simon so fondly, Alec was so happy for her, so glad she had Simon and was doing things she loved. There was some envy there also, but not an ugly one.

When Simon came in, they spoke a bit more, Simon prompting other stories, but then Simon yawned very loudly, not rudely, just sort of ignorantly, and Alec said he should be off to bed. They had more talking with Maryse and Robert to do in the morning anyway, so he thought they had better prepare some energy.

He had settled down into the spare bed, which was a touch small for him, when there was a gentle knock at the door. Hoping it was not his mother or father, Alec told them to come in. Maybe it was his sister again, wanting to talk some more. Alec would always be happy for that.

It was Max, wearing some superhero pyjamas and with his glasses still on. Alec smiled at him, sitting up and wondering what Max might want.

“Can I sit with you for a minute?” Max asked, hands laced behind him and rocking back and forth gently.

Alec nodded and patted the spot beside him. Without hesitating, Max came and sat next to Alec, tucking his knees up to his chest and hugging them. Alec didn’t know what exactly was happening, but he waited patiently, letting Max take his time for he had come in for a certain reason and he deserved to get there in his own time.

“Dad’s on the phone to Anna, so…” Max said.

“Does he always do that when he’s around here?” Alec asked.

Max shrugged. “It depends what’s happened during the day.”

Alec nodded. “Your friends must think something very interesting about our family.”

Max laughed gently. “I don’t tell many of them the situation. Probably because of what they would think.”

“I can understand that. I don’t think I’ve told anyone I know either.”

“I have told some of my friends.” Max paused, and Alec wondered if it was a telling pause, if Max was going to say what he wanted to say now. “I’ve told this one boy, actually.”

Alec waited. This was something Max wanted to get out, and Alec was going to let him get there in his own time. He thought he knew something about what was coming given he had mentioned a boy, but Alec was going to let Max say as much or as little as he wanted.

“I think I like him, actually,” Max said, quiet and not looking at Alec.

“Yeah?”

Max nodded. “He has a boyfriend, though.”

Alec understood even more than he wanted to at that moment for he knew all too well what it was to like someone who was already with another person. He hadn’t told Max about Magnus, but if Max wanted some advice, Alec wasn’t sure he would be able to give it. He had done very little about his own situation, so he would not be able to help his brother’s.

“His name’s Kit,” Max said, fiddling with the hem of his pyjama bottoms idly, watching his fingers work. “He’s… he’s very funny and he’s handsome too.”

“Yeah?”

Max nodded, unable to look away from where his fingers were working. “I wish he didn’t have a boyfriend.”

There was a pause between them, Alec wondering if he should tell Max his own situation or if he should ask him if he had told anyone he liked boys. He adored Max, but they weren’t entirely close, their age difference impacted that and Alec living far away didn’t help, but he wanted them to be close. Maybe this would be something they could bond over.

“Izzy said you like someone…” Max said, quietly.

“She did?”

Max nodded.

“Well, I do,” Alec said, sighing. “I have for a long while. I wouldn’t take any dating advice from me, Max.”

Max laughed and looked at him, pushing his glasses up his nose after they had slid down from staring at his hands. “I haven’t told mum or dad yet.”

“That you’re… not straight?”

“I think I like girls too,” Max said, staring off into the distance as he thought. “I don’t know, though.”

“You’re still young. You don’t have to define yourself just because the world is telling you that you have to know exactly who you are by the time you’re eighteen. You like boys, and that’s all you need to know now, yeah?”

Max nodded, chewing his lip. “He still has a boyfriend, though.”

Alec laughed through his nose and wrapped an arm around his brother, pulling him closer, glad Max accepted the contact. He rested his head on his brother’s shoulder and Alec was happy for this brotherly affection.

He had gone through a bit of a growth spurt, he was sixteen now after all, though he supposed he still had some maturing to do. But Alec would always be his big brother and, whether Max eventually became taller than him or not, Alec would always hug him like this because that was what big brothers did.

“I know exactly how that feels, Max,” Alec said. “But I hope it works out for you.”

Max remained for a short while longer and he told him about Kit, and Alec remembered his own short crushes in school. They had been short-lived, however, because Alec had not been out in school and he was not going to out himself for the sake of a cute football player or an artsy guy who said Alec had the kind of eyes he wanted to paint, and then seen his eyes painted onto a portrait of some fairy princess of another land, which was awfully baffling.

And he listened until Max yawned and then he sent Max off to bed.

The next morning was as hellish as dinner the night before, his parents continually insinuating he needed to get out there and find someone before he started to get wrinkles which would, apparently, be very soon considering the _obvious_ stress the bakery was causing him.

It put him in the foulest of moods and, when he left after breakfast, it followed him all the way home, through the bakery that was quiet after the lunchtime rush, and into his room where he collapsed down onto his bed.

He ached; he ached from the constant nagging of his parents, he ached from knowing that his brother knew he was in love with someone who would never be his, he ached from _being_ in love with someone who would never be his. There wasn’t a single part of him that didn’t ache, that wasn’t hungry for Magnus Bane. His body craved affection from him, craved even the slightest warmth, a thing he wouldn’t ever likely get. And it was a pathetic thing of wanting and hunger, and Alec wanted it like he wanted nothing else.

When it was time for the bakery to close, Alec made his way down to pick at any leftovers that would have to be thrown out today. Jace was the only one closing, mopping down the floor when Alec entered.

He looked up. “You been upstairs all day?”

“Yeah.” Alec went around to the counter and picked up a piece of their cake with the most chocolate Alec could fathom to put into such a thing. He grabbed a fork and started demolishing it.

“Bad dinner?”

“Mhm.” He wanted to eat chocolate until he died from a chocolate coma.

“Boyfriend talk again?” Jace mopped until he reached the counter, leaning on the mop and considering Alec.

“They think I’m going to lose my looks,” Alec said after a rather heavy mouthful of chocolate sponge. Even though it was himself thinking it, they did make great goods.

“Maybe you’ve already lost them if Magnus isn’t running away from Woolsey to join you at your side,” Jace said and Alec scowled at him. Jace grinned. “Tough love not working out for you?”

“I don’t need it from you as well as my parents, Jace.”

Jace raised his hands in a sort of surrender and carried on with his job. They stayed in silence then, Alec eating every last crumb before he washed it all up and helped Jace clean so they could retreat to bed.

Thankfully, Jace did not talk about boyfriends and dating again. He didn’t say he was going to set him up on anymore dates, he didn’t bring up his unyielding crush on Magnus Bane, and Alec could carry on with his life, working at his bakery and obsessing over someone who wouldn’t likely ever be his.

The seasons changed, as they always did, but Alec’s feelings remained the same. Magnus would come in with his boyfriend who rarely left his side, and Alec would be there, ready to serve them and wistfully wishing after Magnus.

When it was summer and he would come in, wearing shorts and a vest top, Alec would yearn after him because of all that skin on show. Alec would want nothing more than to run his hands over that deep, olive skin, to touch him and wonder what he might feel like. It was stunning. _He_ was stunning.

Then, when it was fall, and he would wear long-sleeved shirts and ripped jeans, Alec wanted nothing more than to spend an evening in his company. He looked inviting but also intimidatingly gorgeous, still wearing sunglasses because the sun would be lazily bright in the morning. His skin and clothes were so complementary to the autumnal colours and Alec wanted to just be with him, to sit with him for an evening and watch him, if he could do such a thing.

In winter, when he wore his jumpers and his big coats and was all wrapped up, Alec wanted to just lie with him somewhere where it was warm and cosy, where a fire might be burning and they could cuddle. He wanted to snuggle with him, warm him up after a cold night when he had walked back from work. He would feed him something he had baked that was left over from the day or perhaps bake him something fresh. It would be domestic and wonderful, and then they might celebrate Christmas together, lazily, ignoring the rest of the world.

Alec could dream and dream and dream, but that didn’t make it any closer to becoming his reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year to everyone! Be kind to yourself this year, and let this new decade be a fresh start if you're in need of one! x


	6. Waiting is the Most Difficult Bit

> “I’ve learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you’re with me, even when you’re not by my side.”   
> ― Paulo Coelho, _Eleven Minutes_

One morning during winter, the first snow having fallen, Magnus and Woolsey entered, as they always did, on a Saturday. The Christmas shoppers had been out and about since the stores had first opened, so Alec’s store had already been busy, people popping in and out to grab something in their breaks between ravaging through shops for a great deal. There was, usually, a constant stream of people when Christmas was on its way, which was great for business.

As ever, Magnus looked particularly lovely, though Alec struggled to think of a time when he didn’t think that. He was wearing this white coat and a big scarf, gloves keeping him warm. What Alec would have given to be hugged by him dressed like that.

They both smiled as they came over to the counter, the only two waiting to be served now.

“Good morning,” Magnus greeted, unzipping his coat because Alec always kept the shop warm. He didn’t pull off his gloves because they always took their stuff to go, but Alec liked being able to see more of Magnus’ clothes, a pastel pink jumper revealed beneath. It made Alec want a hug even more, and those thoughts made him ache terribly inside.

“Good morning,” Alec replied, leaning on the counter and smiling back. Woolsey was perusing their festive drinks menu, Alec always bring new ones out each time winter rolled around. “Freezing outside?”

“Of course,” Magnus said. “It’s lovely in here though.”

“I try,” Alec said, beaming. He liked the idea that Magnus would associate him with warmth.

“Magnus is a very happy thing right now,” Woolsey commented, not even looking over at them, which Alec was glad for. It meant he could look at Magnus in peace, stare at him and hope no one else would notice. Except for Magnus. Maybe, if Magnus noticed, it might change things. Alec didn’t know, he just liked watching him.

“I am,” Magnus affirmed, beaming.

“And why is that?” Alec asked.

“I quit my job yesterday,” Magnus explained. “Well, I gave in notice and I’ll be working until Christmas, and then I’m gone. At long last.”

Magnus had worked two jobs since Alec had met him. The first, he left after a year of Alec knowing him, though Alec didn’t know how long he had been there. He had been working as a secretary for some PR company and, whilst he had said it would slowly work him up the ladder, PR wasn’t his thing. Alec thought he would likely be very good at it, he was a very personable person, he had a great charm and charisma, but he had wanted something in fashion.

The job he got after that, which he had been working up until now, it appeared, was as an assistant at this fashion company, some magazine that Alec had never heard of. Alec had known that it was the kind of thing he wanted but that Magnus wanted to be in designing. Alec was aware that Magnus had been hoping the experience would be helpful, but all the stories he had about work had been unpleasant. Apparently, they were not giving him the opportunities to shine, ones that he had hoped would be another way to work up the fashion ladder. He had remained an assistant for years, keeping up the hope that it would one day bring the career path he wanted.

And that hadn’t happened.

To Alec, Magnus deserved the world. Whatever he wanted, Magnus should get it. He was clearly a fashionable guy, whatever he wore, Alec was impressed with it. Perhaps, however, he was a touch biased, who could say for sure.

“Have you got something else lined up or are you just going to figure it out after Christmas?” Alec asked.

“I’ve got… ideas,” Magnus said, and he winced.

Woolsey laughed. Magnus glared at him.

“I was just fed up,” Magnus explained. “I couldn’t stand it any longer.”

“I know,” Alec said. “I hope you can find something you want. What are your ideas?”

“Lots of emailing and résumé sending to companies I actually want to work for,” Magnus said. “And if that doesn’t work, I marry a sugar daddy.” He winked.

Alec laughed through his nose.

“I am, unfortunately, not a sugar daddy,” Woolsey said, coming over to Magnus’ side. “So I will not end up being his husband in that scenario.”

“That is a great shame,” Magnus said, nodding.

Alec laughed through his nose again.

“Do you know what you want?” Woolsey asked Magnus. “Or are you too drunk on possibility of working in a place you actually like?”

Magnus smiled. “What a world it would be if we could all live like you, Alec,” he said.

“Why?” Alec asked.

“Because you love your job, don’t you?”

Alec nodded. “I really do.”

“What an envious life you live,” Woolsey said, smiling. He ordered one of the festive drinks Alec offered for the season and then a cupcake that was decorated to look like Santa. Whilst Magnus was still deciding, Alec made the drinks, getting Magnus his with an extra dollop of caramel because, well, Magnus would say it was because it was Christmas, but the reality was because it was Magnus and he had a sweet tooth.

Magnus claimed everything looked so good and took another five minutes to decide on a chocolate sponge that was decorated to look like a chubby penguin. Alec totalled them up and then accepted the money, unfortunately, from Woolsey.

“Oh, in the New Year,” Alec said before they left, “I’m introducing loyalty cards, you know, the ones you stamp for free coffee or cake once you’ve bought a bunch. You two would definitely benefit, I think.”

“You spoil us,” Magnus said. “We’d get free cakes almost every week.”

“Well, you two are the ones personally keeping my business afloat so I think you might deserve it,” Alec said.

“We look forward to it,” Woolsey said. “See you Wednesday.”

“See you then,” Alec said, smiling as Magnus disappeared.

They had one of the worst snows in years that Christmas, which made it both very difficult for Alec to get ingredients and goods to be delivered to his store, and for customers to actually come in. He always kept it open, but he didn’t begrudge his staff when they couldn’t make it to work or when the customer flow had been short and sporadic.

It did mean he didn’t get to see Magnus until the New Year where, whilst snow still fell, it thankfully became less life-threatening. It was a grand shame, but at least they were keeping safe. Alec wished he were at home with Magnus, snuggling up with him and staring out of the window as the snow fell and it all felt festive and warm. Instead, he was in his bakery or apartment, watching the fools who thought they could brave the weather from his window. Clary came to stay most nights as it was difficult to get to her apartment block. It was nice to spend that time with his friends, but he did so miss Magnus.

He had to spend Christmas with his family, which passed achingly slowly. Thankfully, Izzy was there, Simon having gone to his own family to celebrate Hanukah and spend time with them. It was good to have her company in fighting off his parents and their unrelenting questions about dating and the bakery.

It was also nice because Max had said Kit and his boyfriend had broken up and he was thinking of asking him out when they got back to school in the New Year. Alec wished him all the luck in the world with it and said that, if Kit didn’t want to date him, then he wasn’t worth Max’s time. There was so much of Alec that was proud Max came to him for this advice, that he felt comfortable enough talking to him, and Alec would treasure that part of their bond forever.

When New Year rolled around and Alec had his loyalty cards to give out, he was very pleased to see Magnus walk through his bakery door for the first time in a couple of weeks. That waiting had been the most difficult bit but seeing him again made him forget those awful, lonely, and wanton days. Of course, Woolsey was right behind him, but Alec focused only on Magnus and how much he had ached to see him again.

“Well, look at this stranger,” Magnus said to Woolsey as they approached the counter.

“Hi,” Alec replied, wiping his hands on his apron and coming to lean on the counter. “How was your Christmas?”

“Delightful,” Magnus said. “It was very cosy. What about yours?”

“When I wasn’t with my parents, it was great,” Alec said.

They both nodded their understanding.

They caught up a little, chatted about the weeks they had been apart, and then they ordered. Alec also made sure to give them each a card, where they could get both a cake and a drink free on their seventh purchase. He also wished Magnus luck on the job search and found life more satisfying than it had been with Magnus missing.

As it was New Year, which meant it was only a month away until February, Jace had jumped back onto the idea of trying to get Alec to date. Alec had told him he did not want that and would much prefer it if he kept out of that side of his life, but Jace had such a big problem with listening to people and what they wanted.

He seemed to believe, because he and Clary were happy, they must force that happiness onto everyone else. Sure, Alec wasn’t exactly content with the way he was living, but he didn’t think dating anyone except for one man was going to rectify that. Trying to date, going on dates and trying that whole world out when, not only was it incredible foreign to him, but he also didn’t want to date, that wasn’t going to sort out of any his problems.

He liked Magnus. The only true way to rectify that problem was to date Magnus. Alec didn’t see the point in trying to date anyone else when he knew that.

“Next Friday,” Jace began, closing up for the day. Clary was sat inside, drawing something. She only had this year left of college and then she would be trying to do art freelance. Alec wished her luck, it wasn’t going to be easy, but as long as she tried, Alec knew she would succeed. “There’s this speed dating thing at Maia’s, the bar. I think you should do it.”

“Speed dating?” Alec asked, looking Jace straight in the face, halting his wiping down of the tables. “That’s still a thing people do?”

“Yes,” Jace said. “And it’s quite popular.”

“It’s a ridiculous premise based on looks and five minutes of people trying to show themselves as being better than they actually are.”

“As is the first part of dating,” Jace retorted. “It’ll be fun.”

“I think not,” Alec said, going back to what he was doing.

“But-.”

“I think not,” Alec repeated, and he hoped that was the end of the conversation.

Of course, it wasn’t and, when Magnus and Woolsey walked back into the store on Wednesday, it was the first thing Jace said.

“We’re trying to convince Alec to go,” Jace continued after he had brought it up. “But he’s unconvinced.”

“I don’t blame you,” Woolsey said. “They seem like the worst thing mankind has ever conjured up.”

“Thank you,” Alec said.

“I think that’s a little dramatic,” Magnus said. “It can be fun. You can meet new people. Maybe a partner.”

“Have you ever done it?” Alec asked.

Magnus shook his head. “But I’ve always been lucky in love.” He touched Woolsey on the arm, who rolled his eyes, Magnus laughing. “Give it a try. The worst thing that can happen is that you don’t find someone and then we can laugh about it Saturday morning.”

Given Magnus was encouraging him, Alec had trouble saying no. He would never find someone, not ever. He didn’t even consider the idea for a single second, but if it meant more interaction from Magnus, then Alec wanted to do it.

“I think he’s convinced,” Magnus said with a sly smile. “Enjoy it. I’m sure there’ll be plenty of cute guys who would want a pretty thing like you.”

Alec damn near flushed.

When Friday came, Alec convinced himself that this was a thing people actually did. Jace and Clary were coming along, not to go on the speed dates but to accompany Alec and enjoy the bar. Alec felt like a fucking fool when he was dressed up in dark jeans and a dark, blue button-up shirt that Jace had chosen for him. So much of him did not want to do this, but at least he would have something to talk about when he saw Magnus tomorrow.

When they got to Maia’s, Alec was given a nametag and was then told he would be on the side where they remained seated for the duration of the event. As they still had ten minutes to go, Alec ordered a drink and stayed with his friends.

“I feel like a prat,” Alec said, eyeing up the crowd. This was just for homosexual men and men interested in men, so Alec could peruse the crowd and wonder who was here for the speed dating.

“You’re just nervous,” Jace dismissed.

“I am not that,” Alec refuted, taking a sip of his drink. What he would give to be back in his room, not dealing with this.

When it started, Alec thought about everything he could do to get out of it, but they needed even numbers, so he had to remain.

It started off quite poorly, Alec thought. Maybe he wasn’t invested enough, who knows. That was probably it, given he would much rather be at home and thinking about Magnus, but the other guys were just… not his type. Sure, he wasn’t exactly certain what his type was, but that wasn’t the point.

There was Gideon, who was far too shy to be doing something like this. There was James, who was far too flirtatious. There was Nathaniel, who kept saying innuendos that Alec detested. There was Alistair, who was boring and couldn’t keep a conversation. And then there was Matthew, who kept winking.

Alec really thought these things were redundant. He was only here because Magnus had said it would be fun and so they could have something to talk about tomorrow. If sex came out of it, that would be fine, but Alec began to think this was meant solely for weirdos.

His last ‘speed date’ was a guy called Michael who seemed relatively normal. Things could change, but his handshake was firm and he didn’t wink the second they made eye contact, and Alec appreciated that.

“Enjoying your evening?” Michael asked once they had figured out each other’s names.

There was no point in lying. “It’s been… eventful?”

Michael laughed. It was quite a nice laugh, Alec supposed.

“Have you been dragged here?” Michael asked, still smiling.

Alec nodded. “My couple-friends think it’s what I need.”

“A relationship?”

Alec nodded.

Michael laughed again. “I was dragged here the first time, but it’s a nice way to meet people.”

Alec nodded. He was sure it was, he just didn’t want to meet people, despite what everyone else thought.

“What do you do for a living?” Michael asked.

“I own a bakery.”

“Oh, interesting,” Michael said. “You bake?”

“Most days.”

“I’d love to be able to bake, but I’m such a disaster at it.”

Alec laughed. “It takes practice. What about you? What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a blacksmith.”

“That is… not what I might have expected,” Alec said.

Michael laughed again. “It is a dying art, but I love it. I make stuff for films actually.”

“That’s cool.”

Michael nodded. He wasn’t awful conversation and Alec found he was the only guy whom he chatted to where the five minutes went by swiftly. There weren’t awkward pauses, there wasn’t a conversation that went nowhere, it just went by. It was why, when Michael asked if he wanted a drink once the speed dating was over, Alec took him up on it.

He introduced him to Clary and Jace, and they chatted for a short while before Jace, very obviously, said he should be getting back to Clary’s apartment. Alec rolled his eyes, but it was what it was. Alec was probably going to get laid tonight, and he wasn’t upset by that idea.

They walked back to Alec’s apartment, the late-winter night fresh and crisp. It was a little cold, but Alec wasn’t bothered. Michael walked close to him, so they shared some warmth.

When they fucked, it was pleasurable, Alec wasn’t going to say he was bad at it because he wasn’t. It was good, Alec came, Michael came afterwards, they kissed, it was a good fuck. Whilst Alec would rather be with someone else, he wasn’t going to pass up on sex. It was a good way to get out sexual frustrations and release some steam. A good fuck was a good fuck, and Alec didn’t dislike it when it happened for it did not happen all that often.

Alec told Michael he had to get up for work tomorrow, but Michael said that was fine, and they fell asleep together, Michael touching him but Alec facing away.

When morning came, Alec manoeuvred out of bed without waking Michael, showering and dressing for the day. When he came back into the bedroom, Michael had stirred, looking at his phone. He smiled at Alec and sat up.

“It’s early,” Michael commented.

“It is,” Alec replied, rubbing a towel through his hair. “But I open the shop early.”

Michael nodded.

“You can shower and make yourself breakfast, I need to open up.”

Michael nodded again, and Alec left, going downstairs and into the bakery.

It was half-past when Michael came downstairs, all showered and wide awake.

“I can make the most of my day now,” Michael proclaimed as he stepped into the shop, it being empty after Alec had served those who got up early. Alec smiled. He wondered when it was going to get weird between them.

Michael stepped behind the counter and leaned on one elbow, smiling.

“So,” Michael began, Alec just watching him. “Do you want to meet up again?”

Alec looked at him, brow low. Sure, you could very well go speed dating and meet someone you wanted to date, but Alec had always thought fucking on the first date meant it would result in nothing. That was why Alec had been into the idea of fucking on the first date; it meant it wouldn’t go anywhere, and Alec didn’t want it to go anywhere.

Seeing this hesitation, Michael’s expression changed, darkening. “Did you just go speed dating to fuck someone?”

“That wasn’t my express intention but-.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? People go there to meet people, Alec. Not to be an asshole.”

“What did you think this was going to be?” Alec asked, hesitations finding themselves between his words as he struggled with Michael’s tone. “We had sex.”

“Yeah? That doesn’t mean we can’t date?”

“Raziel, it was just a speed date.”

Michael scoffed and pushed himself up. “That’s a really shitty thing to do.”

“To go speed dating and then decide that I didn’t want to date you? That’s a bit of an overreaction.”

Michael scoffed again and walked around the counter. “You’re a bit of an ass, you know that?”

Alec shrugged. Michael shook his head, and left the store.

It put Alec in a very poor mood.

When Jace sauntered in half an hour later, Alec decided he wasn’t in the mood for him. He wasn’t really in the mood to be working. Michael had overreacted, but he didn’t like being called an ass. That felt entirely unjust and Alec felt the day had been ruined.

Jace asked how it had gone last night, but Alec had been very noncommittal in his answers. It had made Jace think it was a better thing than it was, and he kept implying things were finally going well for him. It put Alec in an even worse mood and he called Jace out to the back when Kieran came in.

Jace was all smiles. “What’s up?”

“I need you stop,” Alec stated, voice low.

It stilled Jace. “What’s wrong?”

“Things did not go well with Michael. We had sex and then he called me an asshole for not jumping at the chance to date him. I don’t want you to set me up or do shit like this again. Okay?”

“Alec…”

“I’m serious. I am in a foul mood, you are not helping. I don’t want this to happen again. Will you please stop trying to set me up because you think everyone needs to be in a relationship to be happy?”

“That’s not why I’m trying to do it.”

“I don’t care if you think dating will make me stop liking him,” Alec said. “I don’t care. I would like to deal with this myself, and you are not helping.”

Jace nodded.

“So, you’ll stop?” Alec asked.

Jace nodded again.

Alec didn’t say anything else but walked back to the main floor.

When Magnus coming through his door would usually fill him with elation, Alec was in such a foul mood, he didn’t want to see him. That was mainly because he didn’t want Magnus to see him like this, angry and upset. He wanted Magnus to see only his best side, to see him happy and joyous. Not like this.

Magnus, of course, was super happy, walking in, hand locked in Woolsey’s, which put him in an even worse mood. He tried a small smile, but seeing as Magnus’ eyes filled with concern, he was sure it didn’t work.

“What’s wrong?” Magnus asked. Alec supposed he should be happy that Magnus could read him like this. Any other time, and he would have been overjoyed. He had just been overexposed to people, and he didn’t want Magnus to receive the brunt of that. He wanted to be alone for a moment, but he would never leave Magnus, not unless forced. “Speed dating not go well?”

Alec shook his head. “Not great. No.”

Woolsey offered a nod. “They’re shitty things to do.”

Alec laughed through his nose.

“No one cute want to snatch you up?” Magnus asked.

“Well, someone did come back here,” Alec said, and Magnus smiled. “But he called me an asshole this morning, so I’m just not in a great mood.”

“Why did he call you that?”

“Because I didn’t want to go on a second date,” Alec explained.

Magnus pouted. “Well, he sounds like he sucks.”

Alec laughed. “He was fine. I just think he thought it was something more than it was and was upset when it wasn’t.”

“Well, he shouldn’t have called you that,” Magnus said. “You’re lovely, you could never be an asshole.”

Alec laughed through his nose. “Thank you.” He took a deep breath.

“If it’s any consolation,” Magnus began, “the job hunt is going disgustingly horrible.”

“Are you looking for sugar daddies then?” Alec asked, feeling a little more chipper now he had some compliments from Magnus.

“That will be the next step.” Magnus winked.

Alec was always going to be in love with him and no amount of stupid speed dates or guys Jace thought he would like was going to change that fact.


	7. A Passion for the Possible

> “Hope is a passion for the possible.”   
> ― Søren Kierkegaard, _Fear and Trembling_

Things went awry that summer.

Everything had been fine on Saturday. They had come in for their regular time, they were happy, Magnus spent too long deciding which goody he wanted and then Woolsey had tried some new drink combination Alec was testing out. They chatted and Magnus was content because he had gotten a job at the end of spring, becoming an apprentice for a fashion journal. It wasn’t exactly what he wanted, but he said it was going to get him there eventually, and, last weekend, he had said he was finally getting to write his own piece, so it had seemed hopeful. Things seemed to be going well.

And then they missed Wednesday. Alec had been waiting all morning for them, wanting to ask how Magnus was getting on. He had questions and he wanted to see how gorgeous Magnus was going to be, as he always was, all his skin on show because it was a bright, hot day.

But they hadn’t come in. They missed the occasional day here and there, so Alec tried not to think anything of it. He had just continued, the way he had had to because he was at work.

They missed Saturday as well, but Alec thought maybe they had gone on holiday and forgot to mention it. Alec wasn’t privy to every part of their lives, even if he might want to be, so he supposed, if they had gone on holiday, Alec could ask all about it when they returned.

But they missed the next Wednesday, and the next Saturday, and the next Wednesday as well.

Alec had begun to think the worst, that they had gotten married, eloped, that they had moved to London like they had considered a couple of times to be closer to Woolsey’s roots. It was wildly upsetting, and Alec thought he might at least deserve to know that information. They had known each other for four years after all.

Sure, he didn’t deserve to know anything, not really. But they had a relationship of some kind, if there wasn’t going to be an invitation to the wedding, at least he thought they should tell him they were going to be moving. They had a bond of some kind, a relationship that had formed after seeing each other almost twice a week for four years. They had a friendship, Alec knew they did, and he hated the idea that they had moved and he was never going to see them again and that he had not been allowed to prepare for that fact.

He had never thought Magnus would just leave like that. He had considered that he and Woolsey might marry, that they might move away, but he had always thought he would be informed of that so he could prepare for it. He had never thought Magnus would just disappear out of his life.

It made him ache. With every day that he didn’t see Magnus, he felt his heart ache further. Magnus had become such a consistent presence in his life, to have him disappear completely felt so wrong. It felt like a piece of his life was missing, and he hated that.

Saturday morning came but Alec did not look forward to it any longer. The idea that this day would pass and he would not see Magnus again was awful. To go almost a month without seeing him, that had never happened before. There had been a couple of weeks when they had been on holiday, and that had been awful, but he had had warning then. They always spoke about their plans, they rarely disappeared so consistently without some sort of information beforehand. Now, there was no warning, and they had disappeared even longer than before, it was wretched. Alec hated everything.

The morning went by and Magnus did not appear. The others had noticed, questioned it, but not like Alec. They wondered if he had moved as well. Any of their regular customers missing a single day was odd without warning, but for this long, it meant something had happened.

If Alec never found out, he knew a piece of his soul would be empty forever. If he had to wonder for the rest of his life what had happened to Magnus Bane, Alec was sure a piece of himself would be missing and never return.

But then, just after two o’clock, Magnus came in. Alone. Alec wondered if that was telling, but he was too happy upon seeing Magnus again to think about that.

It was coming to the end of summer, but it was still warm. Magnus was wearing sunglasses that he took off upon entering the store, hooking them into his blue t-shirt that had some print which had long faded. He was wearing light blue, ripped jeans, and he looked lovely.

He wasn’t wearing makeup today, but he didn’t always wear makeup. He still looked stunning, but Alec noticed, as he came closer, something was off about him. The warmth in his eyes, the shine that Alec was so used to seeing and had missed over the weeks he had not seen him, it was gone. He smiled, but it did not light up the beautiful green of his eyes the way it so usually did. Alec feared something awful had happened.

Alec smiled as he approached, but his stomach was doing lurches, over and over. He wanted to know what was wrong, and he wanted to rectify it. An unhappy Magnus was like summer with no sun; unnatural, cold, desolate.

“Hey,” Alec greeted, softly. He feared he might send Magnus running off if he spooked him.

“Hello,” Magnus replied, the charm and sparkle from his tone gone as well. He swallowed and tried another smile, but it still didn’t light up his eyes. “It’s been a little while, huh?”

Alec nodded. “I was worried something had happened,” Alec said. He looked from one eye to the other, searching for something, but Magnus felt closed off to him. Where Alec had thought he once had the key to Magnus’ cage, he was locked to him now. Alec couldn’t even find the lock. Magnus was always so open, so available, and for him to be closed off was jarring.

Magnus nodded and gave a sad smile. “Sorry.”

“No, no, you don’t need to be sorry,” Alec assured. “I just want to know that you’re okay.”

Magnus sighed. Alec thought he saw his eyes begin to redden, and his heart shattered for him. Alec hadn’t really seen Magnus sad before. He had seen him annoyed, seen him angry, seen him frustrated, but not sad. It made his heart ache, and he wanted to do everything he could to make him happy. A sad Magnus was not one that belonged in this world.

“What's happened?” Alec asked, forgetting about the bakery.

Magnus released another shaky breath. “Woolsey…”

Alec feared the worst but said nothing. He waited for Magnus to finish.

“Woolsey and I…” Magnus laughed shakily. “We broke up.”

“Oh,” Alec said. He wasn’t going to say he was happy about that because this made Magnus sad and Alec didn’t ever want Magnus to be sad. He was relieved it wasn’t anything more serious, but he wasn’t happy. Magnus, almost crying, that was awful. Alec knew Magnus had to be sad sometimes, but he struggled to see it now. He couldn’t let Magnus be miserable, it was so wrong, so unfair for Magnus deserved the world. He wanted to cheer him up. “I thought it… I thought you two… It seems so random?”

Magnus laughed through his nose and tried to blink through his tears. “I suppose.”

A single tear fell then, from his right eye, and Alec’s heart broke further.

“Come through,” Alec encouraged and he walked through the bakery towards the back room, glad Magnus followed him along, wiping away his tears that fell. He laughed humourlessly at himself, and his smile looked so sad when they were stood in privacy that Alec wanted to hold him.

Alec grabbed a tissue that was really meant for wiping up water and crumbs and passed it to Magnus, just to be of help.

“Can I ask what happened?” Alec asked, softly. He didn’t want to push his luck, he didn’t want Magnus to think he was prying. He was interested, but he didn’t want Magnus to be upset with him. Not ever.

Magnus nodded. He wiped a little more at his tears and then looked up, his eyes red but still smiling at himself, likely thinking he was a fool. He wasn’t, and Alec would never say something like that, but he understood when people felt those things about themselves. He wanted to hug him, but he would have to wait and see if that’s what it came to.

“When we um, when we started dating, it wasn’t even dating,” Magnus explained. “We were just meeting, hooking up, having sex, that was it. That, really, was all it was ever meant to be… To begin with, at least.

“As it continued, we started to develop feelings for each other, and it got so much more serious. We really started to date, and it was going somewhere. Sure, when we had started, we hadn’t ever intended for it go anywhere, but it felt so natural, so I really didn’t think anything of it, I really thought it was just going and we were happy to go along with it.

“Apparently, that was not at all what Woolsey wanted. He said that he was happy with what had happened, that he didn’t regret any of it, but he didn’t want it to go any further. I don’t even know what that means, not really. I thought it was going so well, you know? I thought we were close and I honestly thought that we would spend the rest of our lives together. I didn’t think for even a second that he wasn’t thinking the same thing.

“He said he wanted to end it because… I don’t even know, because he didn’t want it to go any further, and we had discussions about it for two days but he was set, and you can’t change someone’s mind like that.

“It’s just… it was so not what I was expecting and it’s really thrown me, and work is shit, and I just wanted to see a friend.” He smiled at Alec, though it was so forlorn with his eyes so red and a few tear streaks running down his cheeks.

Alec, positively thrown by the idea of Magnus thinking of him like that, was stunned into silence. He just looked at Magnus, watching him, not sure what to say. He would not be pleased by this, he refused that idea, but it meant something. He was going to support Magnus because that was only fair, and whatever came of it… well, that would be that.

Magnus laughed at himself again. “I just feel like such an ass.”

“No, no, you shouldn’t,” Alec assured. He reached a hand out and held Magnus’ arm, trying so hard not to think about how this was the first time he had really touched Magnus like this. Alec needed to be in the moment, he needed to stop thinking about his crush and be there for Magnus. “Why should you have known what he thought when it wasn’t… like, how could you have known that?... I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but you couldn’t have known. I mean, I thought you two were… always going to be together so… you shouldn’t have known… I’m not good at giving advice, I’m sorry.”

Magnus smiled. “I appreciate it.”

He sighed and rubbed at his eyes, Alec dropping his hand because he didn’t want to outstay his welcome.

“Do you think I could be as brass as to ask for a hug?” Magnus asked, smiling sadly.

Alec nodded, and then they were hugging. It was stupid for his longing heart to want this so much, to enjoy it as much as he was. He tried to just be there for Magnus, but his heart that had crushed on this guy for four years was going crazy at the feeling of Magnus’ body on his.

He wasn’t sure what should come next. Having Magnus’ arms around him was intoxicating in a way he couldn’t entirely explain. He had dreamt it, wished for it, yearned for this kind of contact. To have it now when, sure, it had come from something unpleasant that had upset Magnus, it was still exhilarating. His body was more satisfied than it truly had been for a long while.

Alec squeezed Magnus tighter, both because it was sorely needed and because he wanted to comfort Magnus. Breakups were shitty. Alec hadn’t really ever been through a serious one, but he knew they were shitty, so he wanted to be a comfort for Magnus now.

They hugged for a short while longer, Alec absorbing the feeling of being this close to him and being able to comfort him, and then they broke apart. Alec really should have been managing the shop, but Magnus had become such a priority. The others could handle Alec being gone from the shopfloor for a moment. They would have to, anyway, because Alec didn’t plan on returning until Magnus was feeling better.

Magnus sighed. His eyes were less red, but he still didn’t look happy. Alec hated that.

“You really deserve to be happy,” Alec said. Magnus sent him a sad smile. “I’m really sorry about Woolsey, and I hope you can be happy again like that because… because you really deserve that.”

Magnus laughed a humourless laugh. “You’re too sweet.”

It wasn’t exactly the response Alec was after, but he had just broken up with a boyfriend he had been dating for years, so Alec wasn’t expecting a kiss or anything. He might hope for that, want something like that, but he was not going to expect it right now. He also wasn’t going to expect it in the future because Magnus needed time to heal. There might be a right time for Alec to put across his interest, but that was not right now.

“Do you need to go back to work?” Magnus asked.

“No, not yet. I’ll take my break. We can sit outside, I’ll get some cake and coffee, and we’ll chat until you’re sick of me.”

Magnus smiled. “It’d be hard to be sick of you, Alec.”

Trying to bury the warmth that spread through him, Alec smiled and they walked back into the store. He told Jace he was taking his break, made them both some coffee, giving Magnus extra caramel, and grabbed two slices of some fudge cake, and then they went outside.

It was a gorgeous day, so there was only one table of theirs free, and Alec claimed it before anyone else could. Maybe it would have been nice to go to a park, but Alec couldn’t just take off, that wouldn’t be fair to his staff. He might want to desperately, want to be in Magnus’ company no matter what, but he did still have some obligations, even if they weren’t on his mind.

“Tell me what’s wrong with work,” Alec said. “If you want. I don’t know which is easier to talk about. Or we can talk about something else.”

Magnus laughed through his nose. He explained a little, about how it wasn’t what he had expected but it earnt him a decent wage and, now that he was living alone, that did take priority. He was given shitty jobs, was struggling to be noticed, and that he just didn’t know what else to do. It was meant to help him climb up the ladder, but it was going nowhere.

He had eaten his slice by the time he finished and Alec offered him another.

“I’ll lose my figure,” Magnus joked, but there was no humour behind it.

Alec shrugged. “I think you deserve some cake.”

“I don’t want to run you out of business.”

“Don’t be silly.”

Alec went and got them both more cake. His break would be extra long today, but the rush had already passed, so he was sure his staff could cope. He was also the boss and owner of the shop. Whilst he rarely used that, rarely took advantage because he didn’t think bosses should do things like that at the cost of their staff, Alec decided he could today. He could pull rank and let his staff continue because he knew they could function without him.

When Alec joined him again, quadruple chocolate cake on a plate, Magnus instantly started eating it. Alec didn’t blame him. When you were upset and exhausted and done with life, sugary goods really helped. Magnus could have all the cakes in the world today, Alec would give him whatever he needed.

“He took most of his stuff yesterday,” Magnus commented after having eaten some more cake. Alec sipped at his coffee, not wanting to ask questions that would upset Magnus, though he was incurably curious. “It was awful.”

“Are you not friends then?”

Magnus shrugged. “I would love to be, he was a very dear friend before we started dating and I still classed him as a friend even when we were dating. But it… I don’t know if it got ugly, but I was a lot more hurt than I believe he thought I would be, so that didn’t help anything… It feels so empty at home now.”

“I can bring you more cake,” Alec offered.

Magnus laughed. “Fill my home with cake?”

“Why not?”

He laughed again. Alec smiled.

“The only issue with that is that I would eat everything by the end of the day because you bake so well, and then I would not be able to walk through the door tomorrow,” Magnus said. “And how am I meant to find someone else to fill my home if I can’t walk?”

“The right person would find you,” Alec said, quietly.

Magnus smiled and then studied him, his eyes looking him over, glinting both because of the sunlight and because they were still watery. It felt odd to be studied, but Alec would sit there and be watched by him forever because, whilst it was peculiar, it was so exquisite as well. He had studied Magnus until he could be studied no longer, and he so wanted Magnus to do the same for him. “You’re far too sweet to be single, Alec.”

What Alec would do to put Magnus’ mind where he was right now; Magnus clearly didn’t want to be alone, and Alec was single. Where else was his mind meant to be? Sure, he didn’t want to be a rebound, but it didn’t have to be a rebound. It could be something. It was probably too soon, but Alec’s mind was there, and he willed Magnus’ mind to work its way there as well. This newfound hope was built on a passion for the possible, on this single possibility that Magnus might become his. He was closer to his dream of having Magnus than he ever had been, and he willed Magnus to see it that way as well.

“I don’t think you should be single either,” Alec said, softly. It felt like a revealing comment, but he wanted to say it.

“I don’t want to be.” Magnus sighed and rubbed his face. “I haven’t been single for years, I don’t know how to do it any longer.”

“You get by.”

Magnus rested his elbow on the table and then rested his chin in his hand. He considered Alec for a moment. “Getting by doesn’t sound that fun.”

“It has its moments.”

That was a lie. Alec hated being single, but that was because he was in love with someone. If he was single and without a crush, it would probably be fine. It just wasn’t for Alec. Not at all.

Magnus offered a small smile and then sighed heavily again. He had been doing that a lot recently, and Alec didn’t blame him.

“It’s so lonely, though,” Magnus said.

“Well, you’ve got friends that I’m sure would jump at the opportunity to keep you company. It doesn’t, you know, have to be romantic to cure your loneliness. If you, uh, you need someone, I’m happy to… to be there for you.” Alec felt this was another greatly revealing comment, but he would be there for Magnus. It didn’t have to be romantic. Alec would be with him just to be with him and comfort him if that was what he needed.

“That’s so sweet, thank you,” Magnus said, and he smiled a little brighter at him. “And I know friends are important, particularly at times like these, but it’s… I think it’s different. There’s something different about a relationship. Friendships are so important, I know that. But, Raziel, I love having a partner as well. It cures loneliness in a different way.”

Alec nodded. He didn’t necessarily understand that because he hadn’t ever had someone like that. He had never dated to an extent that the boyfriend might cure his loneliness, but he could understand why it might feel lonely after having had that person. To lose someone who helped you not feel lonely, it would likely amplify those feelings. Alec didn’t know that for sure because, again, he had never experienced that, never lived with a boyfriend, but he was empathetic to Magnus’ situation.

Magnus sucked in a shaky breath. “I hate being lonely.”

“Yeah, me too,” Alec agreed. “I’m sure you have plenty of people to help until you figure it out.”

Alec did, explicitly, mean him. He was sure Magnus had plenty of friends who would help, but Alec meant he would be there as well for whatever he needed. If Magnus could associate him with being helpful and comforting, maybe something would come in the future. Again, Alec would wish for nothing right now because Magnus needed time to heal, but he could plant those seeds, and as they grew, maybe Magnus would gravitate towards him in a way that could cure his loneliness, and not just in a friendly way.

“I’ve probably taken up far too much of your time,” Magnus said after another sigh.

“It’s fine. I can stay or… yeah, it’s fine.”

“Thank you, darling,” Magnus said, and he stretched his hand over to squeeze Alec’s. It was such a familiar gesture that Alec was going to remember it for the rest of his life. “But I should get going.”

Magnus stood.

“Let me get you more cake,” Alec said. “It’s the least I can do.”

Magnus nodded, and Alec stepped inside to gather a box full of the cakes he knew he would like best and he made him another coffee as well. When he gave them over, standing back outside, he hugged Magnus once more.

It was wonderful to feel this familiar with him. It felt like a step forward where there had been no steps before. Whether there was possibility in this now or not, Alec didn’t know. He thought there might be. Magnus would still be fragile and hurting for a little while, and Alec would do nothing to take advantage of that because that would be awful, but they could get closer. With that, anything might happen in the future, and Alec was looking forward to Magnus being healthy and happy, and available.


	8. Patience

> “Patience, he thought. So much of this was patience - waiting, and thinking and doing things right. So much of all this, so much of all living was patience and thinking.”   
> ― Gary Paulsen, _Hatchet_

It was a couple of days later when Magnus showed up again. Alec was not going to take advantage of this period in Magnus’ life because it must be wretched. Never having dated seriously, it meant he had never gone through a painful breakup, and he had read a few books and watched a few films, and they stated very clearly that breakups were awful, that they were painful and lonely and stirred your life up something crazy.

There was that part of his mind, of course, that saw the opportunity. How could he not see that? Magnus was single for the first time since Alec had met him, that meant there was an opportunity there. Alec would not do anything until a decent period had passed, he would do nothing until Magnus had healed, he had to have patience. He had had so much patience already, he felt like he could wait a little longer, have a little more patience.

Some part of him was giddy, and he felt absurd and almost cruel for it. But to see this opening, to see this chance where there had never been one before, it was making him all hopeful and foolish, like a teen with his first crush. He did often feel like that around Magnus anyway, but now it was amplified, and he didn’t think that was plausible. He had never thought he could love Magnus more than he did, but here he was, and it was filling him so much, he thought he would explode.

When Magnus came in a couple of days later, the sun high in the sky in this late morning, Alec’s heart soared higher than it ever had. He was wearing a lightweight, blue jumper that came down to his thumb joint, hugging his body as it curved with his biceps and hugged his slim waist. He was wearing these red pants that emphasised the size of his thighs, and Alec had to swallow. He was admiring him more. Yes, there was still going to be time before he could say anything, suggest something to him, but he could admire him more now, appreciate his physical beauty even further, and that was sort of new. He had kind of been doing that beforehand, but he found it easier now, and he wondered what that might bring, if it might make patience a little more difficult.

He wasn’t wearing sunglasses now, the sun wasn’t bright today, but it was still warm in this late summer, fall on its way to change the seasons, change the colours of the leaves. Magnus looked beautiful every season, and Alec wondered what he would look like next season. It was an odd thing, Alec supposed, but given Alec clung to whatever he could get of Magnus, his outfits were a part of that. He always kept so up to date with the trends, trends that Alec never understood or heard about until it was too late, and Alec loved to see him so fashionable, loved to see him sporting all these new items.

The shop was a little busy, and Alec was so thankful Magnus waited until it was quiet before he stepped up to order. It made Alec feel more like maybe Magnus wanted to see him, that maybe they could be more connected. Alec already felt connected to him, but maybe it could grow.

“Good morning,” Alec greeted, though morning would only remain for a few more minutes.

“Good morning,” Magnus replied, leaning on the counter, closer to Alec. The spark that had been missing the last time he had seen him, the spark that Alec had so come to associate with Magnus, it was there again. It was still muted, almost like it was a bright light covered with a heavy blanket, dimming it and prohibiting it from shining fully. But it was there, coming out, emerging from the dark. Alec wanted to see him shine again, and he wanted to help that, help him smile brightly.

“How are you today?” Alec asked, looking between Magnus’s green eyes, always wondering which was the greenest. He could stare forever and still want to continue staring, he adored them, those forests of beauty, evergreen.

Magnus nodded, a smile on his lips. It still didn’t reach his eyes, but it was lighter than the one Alec had seen before. “It’s… going okay.” He sighed and smiled sadly. “He’s at the apartment, collecting the last of his things, so I thought I should get out. I know he said we would still be friends, but that’s going to take some time.”

Alec nodded. “I’m sure that’s normal.”

Magnus laughed through his nose. “I hate it though. I want nothing more than to tell him… I don’t know, awful things, but I know that’s not fair. I just want to yell at him, scream and swear, but… that’s probably not what he deserves.”

“I’m sure that’s normal too,” Alec said, offering a smile. “I made some cake for you.”

“Just for me?”

Alec nodded. He had been up, baking late last night to try and make something perfect for Magnus, tailor it for his tastes because he had come to know them so well. Of course, he spent hours and hours baking to try and perfect things for all his customers, but he always wanted something perfected for Magnus, and even more so now. He wondered if that was obvious to Magnus, if Magnus thought Alec spending time to bake things for him revealed how deeply he felt for him, and he wasn’t sure if he disliked that idea. If Magnus figured it out like this, organically, seeing the little things Alec did for him, then Alec would love that. It would feel so natural, and Alec wanted it to be natural.

After saying he would be just a minute, Alec went to the fridges out back and returned with a single slice of cheesecake. He was glad there were no other customers inside at the minute. Given he treated Magnus so differently, baking him special cakes and giving him things for free, he was sure other customers would have some complaints. Alec just couldn’t help it; he would keep giving Magnus cake even if it ran him out of business.

He gave Magnus a fork as well, and Magnus took a small piece, Alec watching him acutely. He was sure his face was fond, but he could not help it. Magnus pulled this softness from him, and Alec adored it and him.

Magnus chewed and swallowed, Alec glancing at Magnus’ throat but doing his best not to stare. His throat was glorious, and watching him swallow was highly distracting.

He hummed, which had Alec even more distracted before he remembered to smile, sure he was blinking slowly, infatuated. He wondered what Magnus thought when he saw Alec looking at him like that, if he noticed it. Alec tried his best to be subtle, but he was sure he was not.

“Delicious,” Magnus said once he had taken another bite. “How do you do it?”

“Hard work and a lot of hours spent tasting cake.”

“Oh, what a tragic life,” Magnus joked, and that smile was on his face again. It was still hinted with sorrow, but it made Alec’s heart soar. He had made Magnus smile, in part, and that was the most beautiful feeling in the world. “How I would hate to taste cake all day.”

“It is pretty difficult,” Alec jested.

“I can’t imagine how you manage,” Magnus said, taking another bite. “It’s so lovely.”

“I can give you some more if you like,” Alec offered.

“I don’t see it for sale?” Magnus queried as he glanced into the glass counters, seeing what was on offer.

Alec wondered how revealing it was to bake for Magnus and Magnus alone. To make something for one person in particular, how revealing was that? How telling could it become? Alec wasn’t going to tell him the truth and he wasn’t going to lie either, but he wondered what Magnus would think of it. He wanted Magnus to know he had feelings for him, he wanted Magnus to know he adored him, but he only wanted Magnus to know that if he reciprocated those feelings, so it was a conundrum.

“It isn’t,” Alec said. “I was just… you know, baking for you. I knew you were going through a rough time and I thought, if you came back in, I wanted to, you know, give you something nice.”

Magnus’ face softened as he heard Alec talk, his eyes shimmering. Then, he said, “You are the sweetest thing.” He reached over the counter and squeezed Alec’s arm.

Alec could only smile.

“What a beautiful thing to have a dear friend who owns a bakery,” Magnus said as he finished the cake.

Alec smiled brighter. “Would you like some more pieces?”

“I would love them. How much?”

“On the house,” Alec assured. “It wouldn’t be fair to charge you when I made it for you and knew you wouldn’t be able to resist it.”

Magnus laughed through his nose.

Alec then went back out and boxed up some more cake for him, choosing the prettiest and best decorated slices. He thought Magnus would appreciate those touches, and Alec would do anything to get more appreciation from the man he adored.

When he emerged with the box, Magnus took it happily and asked for his coffee, which Alec made with extra love. He wasn’t sure how he managed extra love, but he did. Love just spilled from him when it was for Magnus. Alec did not often feel like he had much love to give, but he did for Magnus, and perhaps that had come because of being in love with him for so long, because he was used to it with him, it was natural to give him love.

“Tell me about you, though,” Magnus said once he had his coffee with its caramel shots. He took a sip and waited for Alec. “Let’s not make it all about me, hey.”

Alec shrugged. “Not much to say.”

“No dates? No more pressure from parents? Nothing else?” Magnus asked. “I would love to hear about anything, darling. Positive things as well, of course.”

Alec thought for a moment but could come up with nothing. Nothing substantial anyway. He hadn’t been dating, hadn’t spoken much to his parents, and nothing else was happening, he had just been waiting for Magnus.

Maybe that wasn’t entirely true, there were other things going on, but nothing to do with him. Clary had finished college and was starting freelance work, Jace was thinking about what he wanted to do long-term and was making plans for a different career, which Alec was helping with, of course. Izzy was going into her second year of college alongside Simon, Max only had a year left in high school and was still dating Kit. There were lots of things happening to other people, but it didn’t seem right to say any of those things right here and now.

“I’m trying cookies,” Alec said, smiling because he knew it wasn’t much. “Trying to find the perfect recipe.”

“Oh, I love cookies.”

“You do?” Alec asked with newfound interest. “Well, I had better try even harder.”

Magnus laughed through his nose. “Thank you, Alec. It was so lovely to see you.”

“And you.” As it always was. Magnus bid goodbye and Alec watched him leave, his heart pounding louder than it ever had before.

Due to that conversation, Alec did indeed try harder with his cookie recipe. He had always made cake and ordered the cookies in, but he wanted to try something new, and now he knew that Magnus loved cookies, Alec wanted to find the perfect recipe. Sure, everyone likes different kinds of cookies, but Alec wanted to find one that would be perfect for Magnus, Magnus deserved that happiness after all, and he would do anything to make him happy. Even if this didn’t end in dating him, Alec wanted to make him smile, and finding him the perfect cookie was now a part of that.

He didn’t see Magnus again for two weeks, but he was okay with that. He was still dealing with the breakup, and whilst he was on the lookout every single day, he wasn’t expectant. They had been dating for years, Alec knew a lot of healing had to come because of that, and so he was happy to accept Magnus whenever Magnus was ready to come into the bakery.

That time was spent well because it meant Alec baked a lot of cookies and found a few recipes. He had been putting out taster cookies for people to eat and decide which they liked best. He would decide on a maximum of three to continue making, to sell.

When Magnus did enter again, he tried each of the cookies and told Alec what he thought. He mainly said that they were all delicious, but compliments from Magnus were the most meaningful, and Alec felt them and kept them close to his heart. Even though he always said nice things, Alec cherished them all.

Taking Magnus’ taste into account, Alec made batches and batches of cookies to sell and added them to his repertoire.

And time carried on; Magnus came in a little more regularly as the weeks passed, sometimes coming in twice a week, which sent Alec just a little wild. Alec hired other staff as a couple decided to move on, he brought out new goods that he baked himself and brought a few from other bakers as well because it was important they all support each other. These other bakers had their own kitchens but not their own bakeries, and Alec took in their goods because they weren’t competition. Alec had to take advantage of that, really because, whilst adoring baking, he could not bake everything whilst running the bakery as well. One day, he might give up working on the floor and just bake because that was what he loved most, but that was long term, maybe when he was older. Right now, he was content.

As fall rolled around, Alec submitted to doing Halloween baked goods for the entirety of October. Some asked for it even in September, but Alec refused. He had morals and thought, whilst a fan of Halloween, people should celebrate it no sooner than October. The same went for Christmas and he would not be doing Christmas goods until at least the middle of November. He had his own morals, after all.

Now, because he had cookies he was making, he did what he could to make them fit the festivities at hand; he had ghost-shaped cookies, pumpkin ones too, skeletons, vampires, a very collective mix. It was popular with both children and teenagers, and Alec enjoyed icing them with his colleagues.

When Magnus came in, a week before Halloween, he decided on an iced skeleton, one Alec had iced himself and was quite proud of. Magnus ate it as they chatted, Alec always enjoying icing them and wondering if Magnus would pick one. Maybe he was a little obsessed, but how could he help it? He had been in love with him for years, it wasn’t like he could stop thinking about him.

“I’m going away over Christmas,” Magnus said as he drank his coffee with extra caramel. Alec had tried to tempt him with something more festive, but Magnus liked his caramel. Alec obliged, as he would always oblige for him.

“Yeah?”

The shop was quiet for the moment, Magnus having popped in after the lunch rush. Kieran was serving a family, the three kids trying to pick which cookie they wanted. Jace was mopping the floor, suspiciously close to Clary, but Alec didn’t have a problem with that. It wasn’t like he was paying much attention to his current work either.

“Where are you going?” Alec asked.

“France with some friends,” Magnus said. “Paris in the winter will be… interesting, but I cannot wait to get away.”

“That’s great,” Alec said. “You’re spending Christmas out there?”

Magnus nodded. “Now that I don’t have, you know, Woolsey about, I didn’t want to spend it alone.”

“That’ll be great.” Alec smiled at him. “For how long?”

“Three weeks. I’m not sure there will be much sunbathing, but it’ll be… It’s much needed. I know it’s been a little while since it happened, but I’m still dealing with it, I think, and the time away will… It’ll be so helpful.”

Alec agreed, and was glad Magnus was back to himself again. He was smiling more, and that essence that was Magnus Bane was back, he was chirpy and walked with his head higher. Alec was glad for it, glad he had had that time to heal. He hoped this trip away would heal him even further. Alec liked it when Magnus was happy, Magnus deserved the world, and Alec hoped he could get it one day.

They spoke for a little while longer, but Magnus had his things to do, and Alec had thought he probably should get on with the rest of his day. He very well could have spent the entire day with Magnus, but he thought that might be bad for business.

The weeks continued further, and Alec could tell Magnus, when he came in, was really looking forward to his time away. Perhaps it was exactly what he needed, maybe it would give him some perspective and heal that spark that needed healing so it could shine and glimmer. Alec would love to see Magnus fully healed. He wondered what kind of person Magnus was when he was single. Whilst he was sure that he didn’t mould himself when he was dating, Alec felt like everyone was a different version of themselves given who they were with. Now, Magnus coming without being part of a pair, Alec wondered what he would be like. Alec didn’t doubt that he would still love him, but he wondered if he would be different, and Alec wanted to know what those differences were if he had them.

Alec was fond of every interaction they had. Any moment they shared, Alec rather cherished it because Magnus was the man he had a crush on, the man he was in love with, and Alec felt like a teenager around him. Maybe he should be more adult about it, but he couldn’t help it, and he didn’t see the point in trying.

His favourite interactions, however, were the ones where they were the closest, where Alec had taken his break and was with him as Magnus enjoyed the goods, where Magnus leaned over the counter to be closer to him, where they were just… more intimate. There had been one incident, the week after Halloween, where Alec had been off work but was working out back to bake, and he had emerged, not knowing Magnus was there but being so relieved to see him. He hadn’t known he had flour on his cheek, but Magnus had reached over to wipe it off his skin, and Alec had been sent into another realm of euphoria.

If he thought about it, he could still feel the way Magnus’ thumb had brushed against his cheek, felt that warmth. The touch of his skin on his own, even in a gesture as small as that, it had stolen his breath away. Alec thought it was an innately romantic gesture, intimate in a way that surely only lovers were.

Once Magnus had done it, Alec hadn’t been sure how to respond. Magnus was simply smiling, but there was such a twinkle to his eye, and Alec’s breath was struggling to return to him. He had brought a smile to his own lips, but he was sure it fond, lovesick, infatuated, enamoured, and his chest struggled to rise and fall like a normal person’s should. To be touched like that, so casual, so intimate and domestic, Alec’s body thrived off it and yearned for it further.

“Flour just, you know…” Alec said, breathless. “It just gets everywhere.”

“That I can see,” Magnus replied, and Alec watched as Magnus wiped his thumb on the white of his shirt so it didn’t really show.

“It’s… a downside.”

“It’s not so bad,” Magnus said. “As long as you have someone to wipe it off.”

“Mm,” Alec hummed, and he had to shake himself out of his daze before he did something preposterous. It really felt like it might lead that way given how Alec was looking at him and given how he thought Magnus was looking back.

He had been unable to forget about it for the entire day. All he had been thinking about was Magnus feeling comfortable enough to touch him, to just reach over without saying anything, and brush across his cheek. He had felt that and continued to feel it whenever he thought about it.

Moments like those stuck with Alec more than anything. They were getting closer, Alec could feel it. He had never been much of one to flirt, he didn’t know how to be touchy or tactile, but boy did he like it when Magnus touched him. Due to his lack of knowledge when it came to flirting, he could not tell if Magnus was flirting with him. He hoped he was, but he couldn’t be sure. He didn’t want to wish it on something that wasn’t true and he didn’t want to feel a prat and ask someone else if they thought it was flirting. He wanted to know, but he wasn’t sure how to go about figuring it out.

Whether it was or it wasn’t, Alec was just happy for it. They were getting closer, Alec knew it, connecting more, chatting further. It had never happened liked this when Woolsey was in the picture, and Alec was so thankful. He had been so desperate for them to further their relationship, and to see it happening, Alec wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. Maybe his patience had finally become worth something, and to have it work out, that was more than he had ever thought possible.


	9. Disappointment

> “It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn't have something in the first place. I guess that's what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.”   
> ― Deb Caletti, _The Nature of Jade_

This idea that his patience would pay off did not last long.

Things had continued to happen, little moments that stuck with Alec and made his heart swell until it felt like it would burst through his chest. When he had made Magnus laugh, when he had been talking and Magnus had watched with those beautiful, intense green eyes, when Magnus had touched Alec’s arm causally as he spoke, those were moments Alec put into his heart to make it swell further. He knew his heart would burst one day, and he hoped Magnus was around to see it so that he might know he was the one who made Alec’s heart so large, he could barely contain it.

At the beginning of December, Magnus had come in bearing a small gift for Alec. He had said, as he would be missing for Christmas, he wanted to bring it in now, give it to him before Christmas happened. It was wrapped in a little box with this sweet, pink ribbon containing it. Alec hadn’t even known what to do with himself. He had never expected a gift, and it was so pretty too. Magnus had clearly thought about it, decorated it prettily, and to go through so much effort, it was… it was more than Alec could even explain.

Alec had taken his break so he could sit down and truly appreciate the gift, Magnus coming along with him.

He said, “It’s nothing special. I just wanted to get you something, seeing as you’ve been such a help to me.”

Alec nodded, but it would be special, whatever Magnus brought him. Just to be thought of and gifted a present, that was gift enough as it was.

When he undid the ribbon, he kept it neat because he was, obviously, going to treasure the present and the box itself. This was not something he could give up, not something he could throw away. It meant too much.

Inside was a little, terracotta plate that was printed as a little cupcake with a smile and sweet little eyes. Alec knew it was a brown sugar softener, and he did already have one, he was a baker after all, but this one meant more, and Alec supposed he could never have enough. Brown sugar was so important for a lot of his bakes, and having this, from Magnus, that meant more to him and he would keep this close and use it always, and think of Magnus whenever he did.

“I was looking up a lot of things that a baker might enjoy,” Magnus explained as Alec held it in his hand, feeling the heft of it, connecting the weight to Magnus, connecting the feeling to Magnus. “I thought you might have a lot of things on the lists I looked at, but this was so cute, so…” He smiled at Alec, and Alec nodded.

“Thank you,” Alec said. “It’s so thoughtful… Thank you.”

“I’m sure you have a thousand goodies and little things like this and you probably don’t need any more, but I really wanted to get you something that might be useful.”

“It’s… I love it and will use it all the time, I promise you,” Alec replied. “Thank you, so much.”

“Merry Early-Christmas, Alec.”

They got up and hugged, and Alec felt Magnus’ body against his own, felt his warmth, felt him beneath his clothes, and he thanked him again before he got him what he wanted to eat and drink.

After his day had ended, he put the little plate inside a jar of brown sugar and put the box, pink ribbon inside, into his bedside table drawer and kept it there, knowing he would keep it forever. It was a reminder of their friendship becoming closer, of their relationship becoming something more, and Alec wanted that solid reminder for the rest of his days, wanted to be able to see, physically, the manifestation that they were growing closer.

Another time, Magnus had asked if Alec had an Instagram or Twitter or even a Facebook that he might be able to add and keep up to date with him. It was so gravely unfortunate that Alec had never been one to use social media, never truly understood it or felt the urge to download an app for posting in that sense. Whilst a young man in his prime, he was just someone who knew so very little about that sort of thing and didn’t see the point in having one himself. It had been awful to tell Magnus that, but it was so marvellous to know that Magnus thought him close enough to want to see what he did outside of work.

“That’s a shame,” Magnus said when Alec had told him.

“We have a bakery one,” Alec informed him. “An Instagram, but Jace and Clary run that for me.”

Magnus nodded. “I believe I follow that one. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to follow you elusively through that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. They can get awfully addicting,” Magnus said. “It’s probably for the best.”

It was so sweet though, and Alec had thought about making accounts just so he could be connected to Magnus through that. He thought he could make one in the future so it didn’t look so intrinsically linked to Magnus asking him. He wondered what that might look like, if Magnus might understand him truly if he made one for him, but keeping up with the bakery took up most of his time and he couldn’t really think about making an Instagram or Twitter for himself. He would never use it anyway, only to keep updated on Magnus, and he was sure that would fuel his love for him even further. He didn’t want to become obsessed with him, and he thought following him on Instagram would only lead him down a dangerous path.

It soon became late winter, and Magnus returned from his trip to France with many tales. The trees had grown empty and people covered themselves from head to toe to deal with the settling snow.

There had been so many weeks now since Magnus and Woolsey had broken up. Magnus was happier, and he returned from his trip with a lighter step and brighter smile. It was clear it had done him good, healed the parts of him that needed healing. Maybe those wounds would take some more time to heal, but Alec could see the majority of it was done, and that was such a good thing. Alec loved seeing Magnus happier.

He still had yet to be sure when he would make a move. He thought he might be waiting for Magnus to realise his feelings and ask him out. He might also be waiting for a surge in confidence so that he might give Magnus his number. He had planned to do it later in February, after Valentine’s Day or maybe just before it. He thought Magnus might be feeling lonely, even if he had healed, and it might be romantic enough and just what Magnus wanted and needed, but that time had never come.

Saturday, the last one before Valentine’s Day, had arrived, and he was looking forward to seeing Magnus, thinking he might be confident enough to make some sort of move, ask him out. Now that Magnus was smiling and almost flirting, Alec looked forward to seeing him more than ever. It was amazing to see Magnus like this again, to see him happy. It made Alec happier, and he wanted to continue that happiness and do something with it.

It was just after eleven when Magnus came in, and Alec was joyful for only a second before he saw that he was guiding a very beautiful woman in front of him, hand on the small of her back.

She was very blonde and very tall. She was slim and wearing heels that looked like they might snap with too much pressure. She was wearing sunglasses that were large and completely opaque, the black rendering her eyes hidden away, her red lipstick dark and dangerous. Her features were sharp and her blonde hair tumbled behind her shoulders, her coat fashionable with its furred collar and cuffs. Alec wondered if it was real fur.

Alec watched as she took in the store, that only had a couple of customers in at the moment, all having been served, turned her nose up at it, and looked at Magnus. They weren’t near the counter, but Alec could still hear her.

“I don’t think so, Magnus, do you?” she asked, her voice thickly accented, French, it seemed. “You take one bite of this sugary shit and it will go straight to your hips. No one will find you attractive like that.”

She did not wait for a response but left the store swiftly.

Alec just watched on, not entirely sure what to think. He had never seen her before, and there was obviously something between them, there was intimacy in the way Magnus had touched her. Alec wasn’t sure how to guide himself through this. Woolsey had been a shock, but that had been easier to navigate. This was something else.

Magnus offered a small smile and stepped forward. Alec watched as this woman did not even wait, merely walking down the street and out of sight from the window.

“Hey,” he said, though he didn’t sound happy. It wasn’t the same as when he had broken up with Woolsey, but it wasn’t as content as he had been the few weeks prior. That spark was dimming again, and Alec loathed the world for stealing it away once more. It deserved to be bright and beautiful, as Magnus was himself, and to have him like this, it was cruel.

“Hi,” Alec replied, not sure if he should mention what had just happened. He didn’t want to upset Magnus who seemed to be tilting on the edge between fragility and solidity.

“That was Camille,” Magnus explained, his tone lacking the elation it had been full of for a few weeks now.

“Are you two…?” Alec asked, not sure if he should voice the words. He didn’t want to make assumptions, and he also didn’t want the truth affirmed.

Magnus nodded slowly. “We dated when we were younger and it broke off for something stupid, I can barely remember it.” Magnus paused but Alec didn’t think he should speak. “We started dating again last week after we met in France over Christmas.”

Alec nodded. “She seems…” Alec smiled but couldn’t force himself to finish the sentence.

Magnus laughed through his nose. “She can be a bit much, but she can also be very lovely… She _was_ a rebound. Now she’s a girlfriend again.”

Alec nodded.

They paused. Alec wasn’t sure what he was feeling.

“So, you getting anything?” Alec asked, trying a bright smile. If he could convince Magnus that he could still get some sugary goods, then maybe that meant something. Maybe it meant Camille was just a passing thing. Alec would much prefer that.

“Just a coffee,” Magnus answered.

This made Alec’s heart drop. “Caramel?”

Magnus shook his head. “I wouldn’t want her to be mad.” He laughed. It was without humour.

“I could sneak it in. She doesn’t have to know.” Alec tried smiling again, but he was sure it was etched with sorrow.

“She would smell it,” Magnus joked, but there was little humour in it.

Alec nodded. He turned to make the coffee, feeling as defeated as Magnus looked.

This wasn’t the way it was meant to have gone. Alec was just building up the confidence to ask Magnus out, he only had to wait a little while longer, and Magnus would have someone in front of him who truly liked him, truly wanted to love him and look after him. Woolsey hadn’t done that in the end. It didn’t seem Camille was going to do that. The disappointment that was welling inside him was only growing further and further with each second he imagined Magnus and Camille together.

When he gave Magnus his coffee, Alec asked, “Do you have your card? You can still get a stamp.”

Magnus, whilst rooting around in his wallet to pay for the coffee, looked for the card, but he could not find it.

“That’s okay,” Alec assured. “I’ll remember it for next time, and stamp off two.”

Magnus handed over the cash and smiled at Alec. “You’re so sweet.”

Alec smiled, but did not say anything, he just watched as Magnus bid him goodbye and he left.

Alec wasn’t sure what to think of it all, and he contemplated it for a long, long while. He was given so much time to think about it because Magnus didn’t return for months. Alec, over that time of waiting, became certain that Magnus would not be coming back at all. Camille had a vice on him, and it seemed that vice would keep him away from Alec completely.

Before Alec could fathom it, the New Year arrived, and Magnus had yet to appear. Alec had become sure he would not see Magnus again. It had been awful. The first Saturday he had not appeared, Alec had just decided that that was okay, that it didn’t mean anything. Maybe Magnus just needed some time to convince Camille that he was still allowed to get some sugary goods. He hadn’t let it defeat him.

But then the Saturday passed, and they continued to pass. They would not stop, they slipped through his fingers like sand, lost to the beach beneath him. He eventually stopped waiting for him, and that was a very sorry revelation. When he went his first Saturday without even thinking Magnus might appear, which had been over the summer, he had to sit in silence for a moment as he realised this next chapter of his life meant leaving Magnus behind, forgetting about him. Sure, he was never going to completely forget about him, but he realised that he could no longer look out for him when the bell rang, and Alec’s soul started to depart from his body.

For New Year, Alec had been invited to Clary’s place for a party to celebrate the clock striking midnight. Ever so slowly, Jace had been moving in with her, Alec had watched him move over in parts, taking a table or some plates that were his, dragging it out because he was scared of living with Clary and also scared of leaving Alec alone. Alec had thought it quite humorous but said nothing, letting him go at his own pace. They had been dating for years, it was about time they lived together, really, but it had taken so long because of complications due to Clary finishing college and sharing an apartment with another friend, called Emma, and Clary’s room could only fit a single bed. Now, with Emma moving in with her own boyfriend, Clary could have the larger room and Jace had been steadily moving in. It was an oddly complicated process, but Alec would be overjoyed for them when they finally moved in together properly.

Stood in the kitchen before the celebrations truly began, Alec noted one of the vases sat on the windowsill had previously been sitting in their living room. Alec smiled. He and Jace had lived together for so long, neither could remember who owned what bar the baking gear, which was obviously Alec’s. It was why he didn’t mind, Jace could take whatever he wanted as long as Alec didn’t need it.

Having not seen Magnus for months, not sure if he was ever going to see him again, Alec was trying to jump back into life. His heart still sat with Magnus, but life had to carry on. His friends didn’t ever talk about it, and Alec was thankful for that. With Magnus gone, perhaps forever, Alec thought he should try to move on as best as he could. He knew Magnus might sit in the back of his mind forever, but that was where he was going to have to stay if Alec needed to carry on living.

He had dressed smartly for the party, wearing dark jeans and a mauve jumper. He had planned on wearing a burgundy one, but he had found a hole in it, which was a great shame and he put a mental note on it to take it somewhere to be fixed. He loved all of his jumpers too much to throw any of them away.

As they were popular folks, the apartment was full of people, bustling with strangers and friends alike, tipsy and causing general hubbub. Alec only remained in the kitchen because it was quite small, and most of the crowd was out in the larger spaces. He had a glass of wine in hand as his favoured drink to celebrate, and he perused the apartment space and the people as they came in and out. He had greeted Clary and Jace when he had arrived but, as the hosts, they were quite busy making sure everything ran smoothly, so Alec didn’t begrudge them for disappearing. Parties had never been his thing, but he would stay until midnight. That was the point of the party after all.

Some people remembered him from other gatherings, but his memory of them was vague, foggy. He was not a socially active person. The wine helped ease some of his nerves, but he wasn’t much of a drinker either, so that could only help so much.

At half-past eleven, Alec found himself by the window, watching as people in the street teetered about everywhere. People got very drunk for the New Year, which never seemed to entice Alec personally. It was usually a nice atmosphere, though. People were drinking, enjoying each other’s company, celebrating a global event. Alec wouldn’t have anyone to kiss at New Year, but he didn’t mind. He hadn’t kissed anyone for a long while anywhere, any place, or any time, it didn’t matter to him.

“Hey,” a voice next to him greeted. Alec looked away from the window to see Jonathan, one of Clary’s brothers. He had met him a couple of times, but usually at the bakery or at some event Clary held in a park for she did like to have everyone come together. “Enjoying the night?”

Alec knew Jonathan was very sweet. He had both been told this by everyone who knew him, and he knew this from the small encounters he had had with him. His smile was bright and sweet, and his eyes lit up whenever he spoke. Alec smiled at him. It was difficult not to smile at Jonathan.

“It’s all right,” Alec replied. “I don’t do this sort of thing often.”

“Me neither,” Jonathan said, and he came to stand in front of Alec, Alec leaning on the wall behind him. “It’s nice though. I don’t get out very often.”

“Me neither.”

“Clary tells me the bakery is still going well.”

“It is.”

“Good.”

“How is…” Alec was having trouble remembering what it was Jonathan did for a living. “You’re going to have to remind me, I’m sorry.”

“That’s fine,” Jonathan assured. It was the most difficult thing in the world to offend or upset Jonathan. Not that anyone would want to, of course. He was as sweet as they came. “I work as a paediatric nurse.”

“Yeah?”

He nodded and took a gentle sip from his bottle. It seemed to be some sort of fruity cider, Alec wasn’t quite sure, but the pictures of strawberries and grapes gave some indication towards the taste inside.

“Enjoying?” Alec asked.

“Definitely. It’s very rewarding.”

Alec nodded.

Jonathan was pleasant company then, up until midnight. They spoke about a lot of things, and it was nice to have this connection. It wasn’t exactly what Alec had been expecting. He had been expecting to celebrate the New Year, drink a little, and then go home. He had not really expected to make a new friend. He so rarely made new friends, he never got away from his bakery except for moments like these and when he saw his family, so it was always odd to make a friend, a rare occurrence.

Five minutes before midnight, Jonathan asked, “Who are you kissing?”

It was a very innocent question. Alec got the distinct feeling Jonathan never did anything malicious, that there was no subtext to any of his actions. It was sweet really. It made him open and completely vulnerable, but Alec found him sweet.

“No one,” Alec answered.

“Neither am I,” Jonathan said, and his smile grew brighter. “Am I being too forward?”

“Are you asking if you can kiss me?” Alec asked, almost smirking but finding it more humorous than alluring. Alec got the impression Jonathan’s flirting was sweeter than it was lustful.

Jonathan nodded.

Shrugging, Alec said, “Why not?”

When the second hand reached midnight, they did share a kiss. It was merely a peck, and Jonathan smiled so brightly, it broke their connection almost instantly.

Alec hadn’t been planning for it to go anywhere. It had just sort of fallen into place, Alec thought, when he looked back on it.

When the bakery had started up again just after New Year, Jonathan had popped in just before work to get a coffee and a treat for lunch, and that had become a regular routine. Sure, some of his shifts started so early, Alec’s shop wasn’t even open, but if it was, he would come in and, when his shifts did start that early, he would come in during his lunch break and sit with Alec as he ate. Where Alec had been looking for Magnus, Jonathan had popped up, and Alec became used to seeing Jonathan six days of the week.

When Jonathan had asked for his number, Alec had hesitated. Jonathan was sweet but Magnus had a firm hold on his heart. It felt almost like a betrayal to say yes to Jonathan when his heart was so not his own to give away. It belonged so much to another, whom he hadn’t seen for months, over a year now, and he was not getting it back.

But he thought that he should. He thought it might be the right move to make. Magnus had gone, seemingly forever, and this seemed like the smart thing to do. He could see himself developing feelings for Jonathan. It might have to be a little forced, he might have to really make himself love Jonathan, but it made more sense than being set on someone who seemed to be gone from his life forever.

So Alec had given him his number and they had gone on dates and then they became boyfriends. Alec wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about that, what to do with that information. He did like Jonathan, he kissed sweetly, he made love sweetly, he existed sweetly.

He just wasn’t Magnus.

But Jace and Clary were overjoyed for them both. They never brought up Magnus, they never mentioned him, and Alec tried not to think about him too often. When they went on double dates, it was a pleasant atmosphere, and Alec supposed he had been missing out all this time. It was great being in a relationship and part of him was very glad that Jonathan had chosen to be with him. Alec liked having him to come home to. Maybe they did move in together too quickly, but Jonathan was happy with the decision, and Alec wanted to do what he could to make Jonathan happy.

Maybe being content with life wasn’t the best way to go about living, but Alec thought it would have to do.


	10. Agony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you've finished the chapter, please mail your complaints to 'I'm Sorry Road, I'm a Sadist, SO1 4GIVEME' x

> “What was the difference between love and the agony of waiting?”   
> ― Orhan Pamuk, _Snow_

Still, Magnus did not appear. Alec had gotten so used to seeing Magnus so regularly, and now he was gone, disappeared, like a memory that was distant but fond, close enough he could place himself there every single night but too far away for the edges of his memory to be sharp. Alec wasn’t sure if he was going to see him again, and he didn’t quite know how to cope with that. It had been so sudden. Yes, he supposed that had been the same with what happened before he had broken up with Woolsey, but now he knew Magnus wasn’t around because of Camille, and Alec couldn’t think of a plausible way to get him back. It seemed hopeless, but Alec couldn’t exactly stop living because Magnus had disappeared again, even if he wanted to. Perhaps that was a little desperate, he was dating Jonathan now, after all.

Maybe it was cruel to date Jonathan even though he was so desperately in love with someone else. Part of Alec wondered if his friends thought it off for him to date him as well, but still, no one mentioned anything. Maybe they thought he had moved on, seen sense in being in love with someone who could never and would never be his. They would be sorely wrong, but maybe it was for the best if they did think that.

And Jonathan was perfectly fine; he was handsome, and he was sweet, and he had an innocence about him that Alec did enjoy. That innocence did, in part, make him feel crueller for being with him when his heart was still set on another, but Alec was trying his best to move on.

That could have been a lie as well. Alec did like Jonathan, they did get along, but he was not actively trying to rid himself of his love for Magnus. Alec did think it plausible to love two people at once, but he wasn’t sure he loved Jonathan, even after their few months of dating. He felt cruel, but maybe to love was to be cruel. Or maybe Alec was just being a bit of an ass, it was difficult for him to tell any longer. He had been so blinded and focused on this love, he wasn’t really sure about anything else.

But his relationship continued with Jonathan. In fact, after seven months of dating, Jonathan had moved in. Jace had properly moved in with Clary over the summer, so Alec had only had a few months by himself before Jonathan was living there. It was odd because this was the first boyfriend he had lived with. He had lived with Jace for years, been used to that, but living with a boyfriend was a brand-new concept.

Not that he disliked it or him, he was fond of Jonathan. If he could just forget this love for Magnus, he was sure he could be content with Jonathan. Maybe that wasn’t the right attitude, but he was sure he could come to love him, come to build something with him. But with this love for Magnus, he wasn’t sure he could allow this relationship to truly flourish.

Alec retreated to their apartment after closing the shop up, not seeing Magnus again, though he wasn’t expecting him any longer. Inside their apartment, it was now quite decorated with Jonathan’s touches. Alec had always kept it quite bland, and Jace had done most of the decorating before. Now, with Jonathan’s touches, it was obvious they shared it. Alec didn’t mind that, maybe he should be putting more work in, committing to Jonathan. Everyone had their own thing to deal with, and Alec should deal with his own and commit to Jonathan, even if that was difficult given what he was bringing to the table.

As Jonathan had a changing schedule, he wasn’t always home before Alec. But that didn’t matter because Alec was always baking, so he had things to occupy his time when Jonathan wasn’t about. Jonathan sometimes helped in the kitchen, but he wasn’t great at baking and only mixed nowadays because he didn’t want to do anything wrong.

Today, Jonathan had finished before Alec, so he was lying on the sofa when he got in, watching the news and waiting for his boyfriend so they could make dinner. He was so lovely, and Alec decided he just had to commit to him better. It seemed only fair.

Jonathan asked him how his day had been and also asked for a kiss when Alec came in, which Alec did because he was his boyfriend after all. He gave him a general rundown, but it had been a generic day, so he didn’t have much to say. Jonathan told him work had been quiet, so he had spent most of his shift with a little girl who didn’t want to eat her food but had managed to convince her in the end. Alec listened along, the situation quite domestic between them.

“Are you making anything tonight?” Jonathan asked as they got up to make dinner.

“I was thinking of experimenting with something,” Alec responded.

“Gosh, I wish you wouldn’t,” Jonathan said with a smile. Alec looked at him, confused. “I’ve put on so many pounds since we started living together.”

“Oh,” Alec said, laughing through his nose. “I haven’t noticed.”

“That’s because you’re too kind,” Jonathan said, and he kissed Alec on the cheek before they made dinner.

They ate together at the table in the kitchen, and Alec listened to Jonathan talk about his upcoming days at work and how he planned to go away with his brother and sister sometime soon. He did suggest maybe that all of them go, Jace and Alec coming along, and then Alec inviting Izzy and Simon, and make it a real couple’s thing, but he said it might be weird to take Sebastian if he wasn’t dating, and then cruel to not invite him at all. Alec told him he was thinking too much about it and that he should do what made him happy and that everyone was an adult and could go if they pleased. He didn’t love the idea of a big couple’s retreat, but he would go if Jonathan wanted him to.

After they had eaten, their bell rang, and Alec answered to find it was Jace. He had come so used to seeing him as a part of a couple with Clary at his side, and it was jarring to see him alone. He still accepted him in, of course, but was confused as to where Clary was given Jonathan was her brother and that it might make sense that the two of them come to visit instead of just one of them.

Part of him wondered if they had broken up, but they did seem like a perfect pair. Just because his own love life was tumultuous, he shouldn’t project that onto everyone else’s.

Jonathan made him a coffee and they settled down in front of the television again, wondering if Jace was just popping around or if there was a reason for his visit.

When Jace put his cup down, having drunk it quite quickly, they waited. He procured a box out of his pocket, a ring box no less, a mauve colour, and he put it on the table beside his mug. The other two looked at it and then back to him, knowing but still expectant of some explanation to come along with the box, some sweet tale most likely.

“I’m going to ask her to marry me,” Jace said, looking at the box and then at the other two. Alec could see the nerves in him, could see that he was fidgety and anxious, but he knew that wasn’t because he was unsure of his decision; this was because he loved Clary so much that he became nervous of what it meant, nervous that he wouldn’t be good enough for her. Alec wondered what that feeling was like, if he should feel something like that for Jonathan, beside him, doting his love and not receiving Alec fully in return.

“That’s amazing,” Jonathan said, and he leaned forward, his hand hovering over the box in a silent question. Jace nodded and Jonathan picked it up to inspect it. Once he opened the lid, Alec could see quite some coin had been poured into it; the stone was huge, the band intricately woven and pristine silver. Jace had probably spent hours pouring over which was the perfect ring, and Alec thought he had chosen well, not that he thought Clary would be bothered by a particular choice, she would love anything given to her by Jace. “It’s beautiful.”

Jace nodded. He looked at Alec, waiting.

“When did you decide?” Alec asked, sipping at his coffee and smiling. He was happy for Jace, but there was so much envy inside him as well. This envy had been built up over years, and Alec couldn’t stop it. He was pleased for them, and he was sure it was the right decision, but Alec wondered if he would ever have that feeling. Could he ever propose to Jonathan? Would Jonathan ever propose to him and, if he did, would Alec feel right saying yes? Maybe there was something to the fact he was considering Jonathan and proposals, but Alec was sure, if he were with anyone, he would be considering the possibility of proposals. That was what engagement did to people; it put your own relationships into perspective.

He would like to be married, one day. It would be nice to have a husband, to settle down, maybe adopt a child or two. Did he ever see it happening? Not really. If he forced himself to imagine it, he wondered if he could be happy in that future, but that seemed less likely than it happening at all. He wouldn’t want to hurt his husband like that either, but who knew what the future would bring. Jonathan might figure him out eventually, and maybe that would be for the best, Alec couldn’t say for sure.

“About a week ago,” Jace answered, Jonathan still looking at the ring in all its glory. “I’ve known I wanted to marry her for a year now, but I feel like it’s the right time to ask. I feel like she’ll say yes.”

“Of course she’ll say yes,” Jonathan said, fondly. He was fond of Jace, which was good given he would be his brother-in-law.

Jace shrugged. “I mean, we’ve spoken about marriage and I know she wants to be married. I just hope she thinks it’s the right time too.”

“I’m sure she does. You’ve been together forever,” Jonathan said, and Alec nodded his own affirmation. He closed the box and gave it back to Jace who put it, carefully, back into his pocket. “How are you going to do it?”

Jace explained the romantic evening he had planned, how he was going to take her to the park where they had had their first date for a picnic, and then he was going to propose to her. It was simple, and whilst Alec knew Jace was capable of large and showy displays, this quiet and simple affair was more suited to them, more romantic. He had clearly thought about it.

Alec envied him further.

Jace stayed for a while longer, but he didn’t want to cause any suspicion as Clary would be at home, waiting for him. Jonathan made him promise to call the second they had done it so they could all go and celebrate, and then he left. Alec and Jonathan retreated to bed shortly after.

“Do you want that?” Jonathan asked after they had climbed into bed.

“What?” Alec asked, though he was sure he could infer Jonathan’s meaning.

“Marriage.”

“Yeah,” Alec answered after a pause. He did want that, and whilst he wasn’t sure if he wanted that with Jonathan, he was sure he could manage it with Jonathan. Maybe he would just have to be content with the rest of his life, put on a show. He did love Jonathan, but it just wasn’t enough. He felt cruel, but he didn’t know what else to do, how else to cause himself happiness. Maybe he was being selfish, but he wasn’t sure about that either.

“Me, too,” Jonathan responded.

“Are you implying something?”

Jonathan laughed. “No. We’ve not even been dating a year.”

“But you think… with me?”

Jonathan turned to his side to look down at Alec. “I think… maybe, yeah.”

Alec swallowed and nodded.

“What about you?”

“Maybe,” Alec said.

Jonathan smiled and they kissed before they slipped off to sleep.

They got news a few days later that Clary had said yes, and they all went out for drinks to celebrate. Romance and marriage were complete in the air, and Jonathan was touchier than ever. Alec didn’t believe he wanted a proposal yet, but now they had had that conversation, maybe he was expectant of it. Maybe after two years or three, Alec couldn’t say. He saw his future in a series of events instead of second by second; after their three-year anniversary, Alec was sure he would propose. Then, they would move somewhere bigger but still close enough that Alec could get to work. Then, after they got married, they would adopt a kid. And then another. Then they would get a dog. Then celebrate ten years of marriage, twenty, fifty, Jonathan would die and Alec would follow along shortly. He could see it all, but that didn’t mean he wanted it.

He was thinking about it about two or three months later when he was closing up alone for the day, tomorrow a day off; they had celebrated their one year anniversary, and Alec could tell Jonathan got excited to talk about weddings whenever his sister or Jace was about. Again, he clearly wasn’t expecting a proposal right now, but he was expecting one eventually, one from Alec. They were meant to be going out with Jace and Clary soon, doing some early shopping for venues, and Alec was not necessarily dreading it, but he much preferred the idea of staying in and baking, not doing anything that reminded him he was securing himself into a future he did not care for.

The doorbell rang behind him, and Alec wondered if he had forgotten to turn the sign around. It was late, nothing was open at this hour along the street, and he knew it wasn’t Jonathan because he was going to be late back tonight after a social gathering with some of the other nurses. 

“Sorry, we are closed-,” Alec said as he turned around.

Standing in the doorway, Magnus Bane smiled, meekly. He was wearing a long coat and dark jeans, his coat belt tied over his stomach, masking the shirt he was wearing. It had been so many months, two years now, and Alec hadn’t been prepared to see him again. He hadn’t thought he would ever see him again. This was… jarring.

And yet, his heart was thumping loudly in his chest. It always would. He was in love with him, he was going to be forever.

“Hello,” Magnus said, just standing there, still in the doorway.

“Hi,” Alec replied.

“I just…” Magnus ran a hand through his hair. “I just wanted to be with a friend, and you were the first person I thought of.”

Alec swallowed thickly. He wasn’t sure what to say.

“I, uh… Can I come in?” Magnus asked.

Alec nodded, still unable to speak. This was surreal. Alec had never thought he would see Magnus again, prepared for that despite the agony it caused his heart, and to see him now, his heart was not sure how to function. It had been so long, and his heart was both fearful of what was coming and so joyful to be seeing him again, his soul rendered complete just upon the sight of him.

Magnus sighed and came into the shop slowly, walking past all the stacked tables and chairs. All Alec needed to do was shut the shutters. He didn’t often leave the door unlocked, but maybe Raziel was finally being kind.

Magnus approached the counter and leaned on it. His whole body looked tired, like it was ready to give out, and the counter seemed like the only thing keeping him up.

“What’s wrong?” Alec asked, his body frozen.

“Camille is…” Magnus trailed off, looking around the empty store, perhaps for an answer, perhaps for some solace.

“Camille is what?” Alec pressed.

He stepped towards Magnus. The atmosphere was thick. Alec wasn’t sure what with. The nights were growing warm, Alec thought maybe that was it, maybe the humidity was drying up Alec’s throat.

They were speaking quietly as well. They didn’t need to. No one else was in and the streets were rather desolate. They were quite alone.

Why Magnus had chosen to come to him when there had been twenty-six months between the last time they had seen each other and now, Alec didn’t know. A part of him was wondering if this meant something, if Magnus had come to see him because he wanted to see him, because he was drawn to him. He wanted that to be the case, more than anything, he wanted that. If he could be the light that guided Magnus through all that darkness, then maybe that meant… something more, meant Magnus saw him as something other than simply a friend.

“She is… controlling,” Magnus explained. He turned his body. They were standing so very close now, Alec could feel the heat from him. The last time they had touched or been this close had been so long ago but Alec could remember it as if it had happened a day ago. He relived it often enough.

“Right,” Alec said. He couldn’t stop looking between Magnus’ green eyes, entranced with the intense, yellow flickers in their depths. There was such a forestry of exploration in there, and Alec wanted to search their depths, study him and engrain that colour into his mind. The thoughts of his boyfriend were nowhere near where they should be right now. “Has she done something…?”

Magnus shook his head. Although they were standing so close, Magnus was looking idly into the space to the right. His eyelids were low, but the slight height difference between them meant Alec could still see their colour, even in the darkness of the room.

“Not particularly. Just everything,” Magnus said, sliding a muscle in his jaw. There was a long pause, but Alec would wait forever for Magnus Bane. “I proposed last night.”

Alec’s stomach just about dropped. Being in a relationship meant he was pretty unavailable, but engagement and marriage, that was something else entirely. Alec still thought something was possible because Magnus had come back to him after all this time, but the thought of engagements and how awful they were stuck further into Alec’s mind.

“It was what she wanted, and I know it. She kept… leading me to shops, talking about how everyone she knows is married, settling down… So I proposed, and yet…” He released a sigh and Alec wanted nothing more than to hold him. “She’s impossible to please.”

“Then why try?”

Magnus looked at Alec then. To have his eye contact, this strongly, it stirred feelings he had tried to bury deep now he was with Jonathan. They were rising, coming up through his stomach, into his lungs, he was sure they would tumble from his lips soon.

“I hate being alone,” Magnus whispered, quiet.

Alec swallowed. “You should be with someone who… deserves you.”

“Deserves me,” Magnus repeated, slowly.

He felt the atmosphere grow thicker. He felt the room disappear behind Magnus. All he could see _was_ Magnus. Nothing else existed except for him and the space between them.

“I don’t know how to find someone like that,” Magnus said.

The feelings that he had kept buried were growing, Alec could feel them about to spill from his lips, but he wanted to navigate this slowly. Something in Alec told him this was the right time, that this was it. This would be his only chance. He could not crush it, smother it before it even really had the chance to flourish.

“You just need to look,” Alec said.

“Where?”

Subconsciously or not, Alec was leaning in. He thought Magnus might be as well, but that very well could have been in his head. Wishful thinking might be consuming him, but he thought this was where the moment was leading. All those years of wanting, they had to lead to something, they had to be going somewhere. Maybe they would come to fruition now. He would think of sweet, innocent Jonathan later.

“Are you about to kiss me?” Magnus asked.

Alec felt all of time still. There was not a single bone in his body that was unfrozen. He could even hear the tick of the clock on the farthest wall which he never paid attention to. Alec was sure he had forgotten how to breath, his blood cooling to ice, his shoulders so tense, they hurt.

He swallowed thickly. What could he possible say as a response? Of course he had been about to kiss him. You didn’t lean into someone like that just for fun.

And how could he say, ‘yes’? If Magnus had asked, not just let it happen, then that meant he didn’t want to kiss Alec. Alec’s face was on fire with an intense and painful embarrassment.

Magnus was watching Alec studiously. He was not enjoying it.

“We don’t even know each other, Alec,” Magnus said, quiet, as if he was confused.

“What?” Alec asked, barely audible. His fear and embarrassment were turning to something else, his love turning sour.

“Why would you kiss me?” Magnus asked, his eyes darting between Alec’s. “We don’t know each other.”

“How can you say that?” Alec demanded, voice low in both panic and this bubbling anger starting in his stomach and working its way up to his chest. He had never felt something so guttural, so innate, so raw and pure. “How can you say we don’t know each other?”

Magnus’ expression changed, but not enough for it to quench Alec’s burning anger as it grew bigger and bigger, this untameable and awful beast.

“Alec-,” Magnus began, perhaps to rectify what he had said, but Alec was already there, he didn’t feel like anything could calm him now.

“How the fuck can you say that?” Alec asked, cutting Magnus off. “You think I don’t know you?”

“But we don’t know each other.”

“Of course I know you,” Alec said, almost breathless with anger, confusion, and pain.

“Alec-,” Magnus went again, but Alec could no longer bear it. Seven years, and for what?

“Of course I know you,” Alec said, repeating himself in his disbelief and shame. “I know everything about you, we know everything about each other. How on Earth can you say that? What the fuck, Magnus?”

“Alec-.”

“I know you’re from Indonesia and you grew up there until you moved here to live with your father when you were six. I know that you don’t get along with any of your siblings. I know you’ve worked countless jobs that you don’t really love because you think it’ll get you into fashion and designing, which you do love. I know you’ve moved twice in New York and that, last I saw you, you still hated the block you lived in. I know you fell in love during your gap year and that you never finished college because you were bored with it.

“I know your favourite colour is blue, and that you have a sweet tooth. You prefer cats and you cry at romance films. I know you love cocktails, and that you love seeing new places. You wish you had a big family, and you’re fiercely protective of your friends. I know you hate being alone, and that your favourite holiday is Christmas because everyone comes together.

“Magnus, I do fucking know you, and I can’t even believe you would think we don’t know each other. All these years I’ve been in love with you, and for what? What the fuck would make you break my heart like that? How could you even say something like that?”

By this point, Alec had worked himself into quite the state. There were tears running down his cheeks and he could barely breathe, barely see as well with how watery his eyes had become.

And Magnus had stood there, watching it all. He had stilled, not trying to interrupt, not saying a thing. He had just studied Alec. When all Alec had wanted was to be watched by Magnus for years, he wanted none of it now.

There was a lengthy pause. Alec attempted to compose himself but he was full of too much anger and sorrow, becoming detached, and Magnus was watching, trying to comprehend it all.

Alec took a steadying breath, but it did nothing to help.

“I didn’t know,” Magnus said, quiet, as if the weight of Alec’s words were crushing his voice.

“I don’t know if that’s worse,” Alec said, wiping at his face. He was sure he looked a state, but he didn’t care anymore. Magnus could see him now, all open, vulnerable and raw, and he could deal with it, with the reality of what he had put Alec through with all these years between them.

“Alec…” Magnus said, but Alec was done now. Magnus had broken his heart, broken his soul, and Alec decided he had suffered enough.

“Get out,” Alec demanded, low, raw. “Just get out.”

“Alec,” Magnus repeated, stepping forward.

Alec stepped back. He didn’t want Magnus to touch him anymore. He didn’t want Magnus to be near him. He didn’t want to even see him.

“Get out,” Alec said again.

Magnus looked like he was about to protest, but Alec sent him in the iciest stare he could muster and Magnus stopped.

Magnus’ shoulders seemed to drop but Alec’s sympathy had vanished in his rage.

He didn’t try to protest again. Instead, he turned and walked out of the shop and out of Alec’s life. Alec found himself sobbing once again.


	11. Atrophy

> “He was still immersed in the dim, wet wonder of the folded wings that might open if someone loved him; he still hoped, probably, in a butterfly's unthinking way, for spring and warmth. How the wings ache, folded so, waiting; that is, they ache until they atrophy.”   
> ― Harold Brodkey, _First Love and Other Sorrows: Stories_

Once he had locked up the store, he could retreat to bed. He had promised to wait up for Jonathan, but he knew Jonathan would say nothing. That was the thing about Jonathan; he was sweet and blamed no one for anything. Alec could not tell him he had almost kissed some other guy because Jonathan would likely say it was nothing. Alec wanted a fight, but Jonathan wouldn’t give it to him.

It was why he ignored him when he heard him come home that night and why he left to shower and get ready for the day without waking him. He knew he could not avoid him forever, but he felt his soul had left, his heart truly beginning to atrophy, and he didn’t think Jonathan deserved that. Jonathan deserved so much kindness, and Alec had none of that left.

When Jonathan came into the bakery that morning so he could get going, he said nothing about it. He didn’t say Alec was being offish, he just smiled, kissed Alec good morning, and left.

And it felt so much worse than if Jonathan had said anything, was offended or upset by Alec’s change in tone and behaviour. Jonathan deserved better. Alec was horrendously and completely in love with someone who had shattered his heart last night. He felt he would be in love with him forever, and what had Jonathan done to deserve that? What could anyone do to deserve that?

And who could Alec tell? If he wanted to get it off his chest, he could tell no one for fear of intense judgement. He knew he had fucked up. He had almost cheated last night. He technically had been cheating the entire time he had been dating Jonathan because he was in love with someone else, had been for years, and he had mentioned none of that to him, to any of them.

They all thought he had moved on, but he hadn’t. And now he was going to try to force himself through it because Magnus had destroyed him, but it wasn’t going to work. He was attached. He would be forever.

What hurt the most was when Magnus came in that morning.

Alec looked up at the door opening, the only one currently serving because it was ten and the lunch rush hadn’t started yet. The others were out back or wiping tables. They didn’t see him. Alec didn’t know if that was worse. Having a witness might make it better because at least neither of them could make a scene, but they might also have made it worse because some of his staff knew Magnus, and they would think or, rather, know something had happened between them. Alec would attempt to keep it secret, bury it away, but he was not sure how well he would manage that given the feelings that consumed his entire being.

He offered a smile. Alec did not return one.

He would treat him as any other customer. That was the only way to treat him now. It was cruel of him to come to a place where Alec could not escape. Alec had no way to retreat, and that was merciless.

And yet, he still loved him.

He would forever.

It made him angrier, somehow.

If he could, maybe, associate Magnus with cruelty and pain, maybe this love he harboured would leave, maybe he could force it away and allow himself something better, allow himself a life with Jonathan. If he thought Magnus evil and harsh, then he could settle down with Jonathan who could not be unfair even if he tried. If he could manage that, then maybe he would be allowed to move on.

He knew it was not possible, but pretending allowed him a moment of catharsis that his lovesick and pained heart needed.

“Can I help you?” Alec asked, trying his most neutral tone. For other customers, he would smile. He couldn’t muster one for Magnus.

“Alec,” Magnus began, defeated at the front Alec was putting up. “Can we please talk?”

Alec shook his head once. “What would you like?”

“Alec-.”

“If you won’t order anything, I’m afraid you’ll have to leave,” Alec said through gritted teeth. He was glad no one else was in the store or in line. It was not the kind of customer service he could offer and get away with.

“Alec-,” Magnus tried again.

“Sir, I would appreciate it if you would order something, please,” Alec said, unable to maintain eye contact with him.

With his shoulder sagging, Magnus said, “Just a coffee, please.”

“Would you like a shot of anything in it?” Alec asked, still trying to keep it neutral.

“Alec-.”

“It’s only thirty cents extra per shot,” Alec interrupted.

Magnus sighed. “Two shots of caramel please.”

Alec nodded and went about making it. He tried not to look back. It would only make matters so much worse. His resolve would not hold, and he so needed it to hold. Magnus had broken his heart, there was few ways to fix it now.

He could feel Magnus watching him, intensely. Alec had so yearned for that kind of attention before. For years, he had thrived off the idea of Magnus watching him acutely without Woolsey by his side. It had been all he cared for, all he coveted. He would go through his week hoping that Magnus had watched him whenever he was in the shop.

Now, he no longer wanted it. He was going to attempt everything plausible to distance himself from this love he felt for Magnus. He had to push it away, bury it beneath the surface, bottle it up and hide that bottle behind everything. He could never open it, never dig it up, never claw it back into his life. It had ruined him, destroyed years of his youth, taken away opportunities, forced him into a loveless life. He wanted no part of it any longer.

It was obviously never going to work. If he still loved Magnus now, he was going to continue loving Magnus forever. But if he could hide the bottle of his love in a place where no one would look for it, then he could continue. A part of him would be missing forever, attached to this man that he had been in love with, but maybe he could function without that part of himself. Maybe life could continue even if that section of his soul was missing, never to be returned. It was the only way he could see him living on, making a life for himself in a future where Magnus existed no longer.

When Alec totalled it up, he asked if Magnus had his loyalty card.

“I don’t,” Magnus said, handing over the money. Alec took it swiftly, not wanting to linger, not wanting to brush against him like he had coveted so often before. Magnus paused as he was given his change. “Would you be able to remember it? For next time?”

Alec shook his head. “That wouldn’t be fair on my other customers… sir.”

Magnus looked like he was about to say something, but he decided against it. As he took his cup, he said, “I’m so sorry, Alec.”

Alec looked away and did not watch him as he left the store.

He was rendered into an awful mood that everyone noticed. He could feel his staff watching him, see them looking at each other and pushing the others to ask, but he did not comment. A couple of them asked if everything was okay, but Alec said nothing. He could voice this to no one, the truth could never be spoken because it would ruin this future he was trying to craft, trying to build out of the rubble.

Jonathan noticed the second he got home, but he did not ask. Alec knew he had noticed because, once he had kissed Alec’s cheek and asked after his day, Alec saying very little, he had not spoken to him again until they went to bed.

Alec thought he should probably break up with him, but he didn’t know what to do about that. Part of him wanted to craft this future, make something that he and Jonathan could live. Maybe they could get married, maybe they could adopt children, get a big house, become grandparents. Maybe that future was still possible. It might be a lie, but if Jonathan didn’t know that, he could still make Jonathan happy and show the world he was happy, pretend that he was. He was sure the world would believe it; they had no reason not to.

It would be a lie; he would never be able to speak the truth. His children would see him and Jonathan and think they were the epitome of love when it was not the truth, but maybe he could manage it. Lots of people were in marriages where they lived a lie, Alec could just be another one of those.

For the next couple of weeks, Jonathan kept asking if things were okay, and Alec was too furious with himself, with Jonathan’s kindness, to give him an answer. It was infuriating, and he knew that wasn’t fair, Jonathan was only being sweet, only behaving as a boyfriend behaved, Alec shouldn’t hate him for it.

But he did. With each day that passed, it got worse.

One Saturday night, Alec not having been at work and having to have suffered through Jonathan’s infuriating glances and fiddling all day, they were thinking about what to have for dinner. Alec had said he didn’t care, standing by the table and gripping the chair, his knuckles growing whiter with every second. Jonathan had said he really would like to have whatever Alec wanted, but it irked Alec further. He was growing more and more irritated, Jonathan standing just beside him, trying to figure him out.

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Jonathan begged.

“Nothing,” Alec lied.

“You’ve been off for weeks,” Jonathan said. “I really would like to know what’s going on. Have I done something wrong?”

“No, you’re fine. Let’s just order something in.”

“I’m not interested in dinner right now,” Jonathan said. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing,” Alec repeated.

“If you don’t open up, Alec, I don’t know how to help.”

“Everything is fine.”

“I don’t believe you.” Jonathan sucked in a deep breath. “Is it the marriage thing? Have I been pushing it too much? You know I’m not expecting a proposal. You know, I’m just excited for my sister. We don’t have to think about marriage for ages, Alec. If that’s what’s wrong, please tell me so we can talk about it.”

“Jonathan, please.” Still feeling this innate anger that would not leave him, Alec did not want to take it out on Jonathan, but it seemed like it was going to happen if he didn’t let up.

“Alec, I just want to help. Open up, please,” Jonathan begged.

Alec sighed.

“I want to help you because, well, I’m your boyfriend and I love you-.”

“I’m in love with someone.”

Alec’s timing couldn’t have been worse. He cursed internally.

Jonathan looked like he had just been slapped and Alec supposed it probably felt like that. Alec didn’t often feel like an ass, but he certainly did now.

It was likely the last thing Jonathan had been expecting. Yes, Alec had been offish, but Jonathan thought the best of everyone. He did not think people were cruel. Even his brother, Sebastian, who could be a right prick, Jonathan thought the world of him. Evil and malice did not exist in Jonathan’s world.

But there was no way he could find the positivity in this. No matter what perspective he took, he would see that Alec had been cruel, he had been unkind and unfair. Alec felt even worse that he would force Jonathan to see the world like that. If he was a positive person, he deserved to stay that way, and Alec, forcing him to see that there truly was awful in the world, that was another cruelty he had dealt.

Alec wasn’t sure what came next. Probably a breakup, but Alec didn’t feel like it was his place to make that decision. It felt like Jonathan deserved to say it, not that Jonathan deserved this, because he didn’t. Jonathan was kind and loving and he deserved better than Alec, he thought.

“And that person isn’t me, I suppose,” Jonathan said. It could have been a question, but it wasn’t. Alec felt like a proper ass, like he had done the worst thing possible. He had really, but he felt he should feel more than just nothing. Perhaps what had happened with Magnus had broken something inside him, something to do with his empathy, and that was why he felt nothing now. He couldn’t be sure, but it did feel like an explanation.

Alec thought it would be wrong to answer, but silence felt poor as well. Instead, he said, “I just thought I should tell you.”

Jonathan laughed a humourless laugh. “Yeah, maybe.”

Alec did not know what to say in return.

“How long?” Jonathan asked.

“Jonathan-.”

“Just tell me how long so I can know just how much time I’ve wasted here.”

Alec knew he shouldn’t say, but it did only seem fair. “Seven years.”

Jonathan barked out a savage laugh, and Alec felt even worse, somehow. “Right, of course.”

Jonathan walked past Alec and Alec thought it best not to stop him. He grabbed his keys and left, slamming the door behind him.

Alec didn’t even jump.

Without eating, he collapsed into bed and hoped sleep would get rid of this awful feeling.

He was awoken by a knocking on his door. If it was Jonathan and he was here to make something work, Alec was going to think he was a right idiot. He was too sweet for his own good, Alec thought. For anyone’s good.

It wasn’t Jonathan, but Clary.

He supposed it would end up breaking his friendships as well. He adored Clary, but he understood if she wanted him gone, out of her life. Mark was opening the store today, Alec having it off because he and Jonathan were meant to be doing something this morning. Alec forgot what that was.

When he opened the door, she smiled. Alec had a headache, but it felt like he had had one since Magnus had crushed his heart in his hands, so he was used to it now, used to that dull pain.

“Hey,” Clary greeted.

“Hey,” Alec replied.

“I’m here to collect his stuff,” Clary explained.

Alec closed his eyes and tried to shake the day away. It did not work. He opened the door wider, and Clary stepped in.

As they gathered his things, Alec helping because it was only fair, he wondered what this meant for his life now. Maybe he was destined to be alone forever, maybe his life would be a shitty, loveless, friendless thing until death claimed him. Maybe he would be in love with this man who had broken him beyond belief, and he would just have to accept that. It was the way it had been for so many years, it was probably going to be that way forever.

He was no longer sad or angry. He was just numb. That was probably worse, Alec thought, but he found it difficult to care.

“Do you hate me?” Alec asked, almost everything gathered into boxes that Clary would take back to hers in her car.

Clary looked at him, and she shook her head. “I adore you, and I would hope you would know that.”

“I hurt your brother,” he said.

Clary shrugged. “Yeah. And that’s a real shame because he really loved you.”

Alec looked at the floor. He felt more like an ass with every second that passed. He did not want to lose Clary or Jace, but he would understand it completely if they decided he was no longer worth their time. Yes, he had helped them when they were going through college and starting their lives, but now he had hurt someone dear to them, and there was nothing that could rectify that.

“Did something happen? Jonathan said you just changed?” Clary asked.

So much of him knew he should not voice it. Sure, he had told Jonathan he was in love with someone, but he hadn’t said what had made him change. If he said this, if he spoke into the world the truth of what had happened, he would be pitied, judged. Alec judged himself enough, he did not need anyone else added to that.

But if he said nothing, if he let them all wonder until it sent them mad and made them realise Alec wasn’t worth their time, then Alec would be all alone. They deserved some explanation, even if it wouldn’t make anything right.

“Magnus…” Alec clenched his jaw. He wouldn’t waste any more tears over him, even if his body wanted him to. “He came back and we… fell out? I suppose that’s what you would call it.”

“And so that impacted things with Jonathan, how?”

“I don’t know…” Alec ran a hand through his hair. “It made me think about Magnus again and… I want to apologise to him, but I don’t know if I can even muster that.”

Clary nodded.

She walked up to him and touched him on the arm.

“You need to sort this out, and I’m saying this as your friend and because I love you,” she said. “This isn’t right, Alec.”

Alec nodded.

“We’re here for you,” Clary assured. “I’m sure even Jonathan will be given he has time to be okay with this. Call us, I don’t want you to be alone. If anything happened to you… it would break everyone. I don’t want you to go through this breakup alone, even if you do blame yourself.”

Alec nodded again but could say no more. It was a relief to know he was still loved, but Jonathan needed them more, so he was sure he would go through this breakup alone. He could tell his family, maybe rely on his sister, but the truth of what had passed would make everyone judge him, consider what kind of person he really was, and so he thought he deserved this solitude that was coming.

He helped her carry everything down to her car, walking through the bakery and trying not to look at the people who were working today. He was close with all his servers and, whilst not all of them had been around to know about Magnus, they had all known about Jonathan, and they would all be questioning what had happened. Alec didn’t know if he cared for that. Perhaps he would take an impromptu holiday, though he was sure that would just fuel the rumours.

He thought he’d likely be alone forever, and he knew he deserved that.


	12. Happiness isn't a Thing

> “Happiness isn't a thing. You can't go out and get it like a cup of tea. It's the way you feel about things.”   
> ― Diana Wynne Jones, _Fire and Hemlock_

As if the world absolutely hated him, he was called to a meeting with his family at his mother’s house that weekend. He had taken two weeks off from work, informing everyone they were quite fine to work without him and that, if the bakery was on fire, he would likely just be upstairs anyway, so it wasn’t like they were completely alone. He had planned for relaxation, he wanted to bake and redecorate the apartment so it wasn’t so… _Jonathan_ any longer, but instead, he had to do this. He supposed it would be easier to tell everyone and get it over with, that was the upside.

He wasn’t sure what the point of the meeting was, his mother had just informed him that Izzy and Simon would like a meetup, and Alec had said ‘fine’. He did have a terrible feeling in his stomach regarding what this was going to be, but he hoped maybe, just maybe, he was due something a bit better for once. Everything did, however, come in threes. He felt there had been more than three issues dealt to him, but he was also sure the world would do what it could to beat him now he was truly down.

Alec arrived before his sister and her boyfriend, and he spent that time avoiding his mother’s questioning stare because he hadn’t brought Jonathan, and catching up with brother. At twenty, Max was in the middle of college. He was no longer with Kit, they had broken up the summer after high school, and he was studying illustration because he wanted to be an artist, specifically for comic books, and he was in a relationship with a guy called Will whom he loved very much. Things were going so well for him, and Max didn’t ask where Jonathan was, so that was glorious.

His father was not here because he was busy in Spain with his wife. They had gotten married a couple of years ago, quite a small affair really, but his children had all gone along. Since then, they spent more of their time away from Alec and the others, starting their own family. Anna was currently pregnant with their first child. She was much younger than Robert, so she was still able to have children, and no one was quite sure what to think of it. To have a stepsibling when he was twenty-nine years old, that was going to be odd. Sure, his father deserved to be happy, but he was becoming more and more distant with his first family, and it did take its toll in the end. At least it meant his father wasn’t asking about his relationship status, however.

He did manage to avoid any and all conversations until his sister and Simon turned up about twenty minutes after Alec had arrived. They all hugged and greeted each other, and then Izzy asked where Jonathan was. The short silence was quite telling.

“We, uh, we broke up a couple of days ago,” Alec explained, offering a small smile.

“Oh, Alec, I’m so sorry,” Izzy said, reaching her hand out and squeezing his. “We had no idea.”

“No, no. It’s still quite fresh.”

There was another silence, but Alec sucked in a breath and then said, “Please, tell us what’s going on.” He had a feeling he knew, but it was probably for the best that they say it now, stop this awkward silence.

“Well,” Izzy began and she looked at Simon, smiling. Then, after pulling out her left hand from her pocket, she revealed the decent rock that sat on her finger. Maryse exclaimed in joy as she stepped forward and claimed Izzy’s hand to get a closer look. Alec said congratulations as Max just smiled. He had gotten used to Simon, but he would probably still rather be in his room so he could chat with Will as he did art things on his computer. Alec didn’t blame him.

Immediately, Maryse claimed they should get champagne and demanded they tell the story of how it happened. She fetched the champagne, got everyone glasses, and then they were telling the tale as they sat around. It was very romantic, very suited to them, and Simon had obviously thought it through, which Alec appreciated. His sister deserved the best and, whilst Alec hadn’t always loved Simon, he knew that he loved Izzy, and that was all that mattered in the end, he knew he would treat her right, and that’s all Alec could demand of him.

After the second round of champagne, Maryse told Alec to make everyone a coffee, and he did, gathering the champagne glasses. Izzy offered to help and grabbed the empty bottle to join him, and Alec knew a chat was coming. He did not dread it like he dreaded the chat with his mother that was coming. He had avoided even looking at her, but he knew it was on its way.

After he had started making the coffees, Izzy leaned on the counter beside him and looked at him. Alec didn’t want this day to be about him, Izzy was engaged, it should be about her and Simon, celebrating their love and what they had committed to. Alec didn’t want his relationship to cloud that.

But they were close and they shared everything. There was, obviously, no way Alec could say he hadn’t recently broken up with someone and Izzy ignore it. It would be the same the other way around if the cases were reversed.

“So,” Izzy began, crossing her arms and favouring, likely subconsciously, her left hand, “what happened?”

“We just…” Alec shrugged. “It wasn’t right any longer.”

“Did you break up with him or the other way around?”

“It was me that caused it, but Jonathan was the one who left. Not that I blame him.”

“Why did he leave?”

Alec sighed. “Because I’m an ass.”

“What did you do?”

“Magnus came back last week.”

“Did you sleep with him?”

“No.”

“Are you with Magnus now?”

“No.”

“Then what happened?”

Alec idly stirred a mug because it was easier to focus on. It wasn’t that he felt his sister was judging him, but it was easier to focus on something inanimate rather than his sister, who was reading him, watching for his expressions and his tells.

“We sort of… had an argument, I suppose. And then I was different, and it wasn’t fair, and it happened. It… just happened.”

Izzy was quiet for a moment. Alec glanced at her, sure he looked a pathetic sight. He sent her a sad smile.

“You haven’t seen Magnus in, what, over a year? Two years, even.” Izzy asked, and Alec nodded. “Why did this affect you and Jonathan?”

“Because it wasn’t fair.” Alec shrugged. “Let’s not make it about me, though. It’s your day. How-.”

“Alec, you would deflect from the question whatever the day was. I just don’t understand.”

Alec shrugged.

“I thought you were over Magnus.”

“Raziel, would I love that.” Alec sighed. “What I would give to settle down with someone I love.” He released a shaky breath and Izzy furrowed her brow at him. “But I don’t think that’s me.”

“Alec,” Izzy uttered, tinged with so much sorrow and dejection.

“But it’s fine,” Alec lied. “I’ve got a family who are great, good friends, a career I love. That’s all I need.”

Izzy didn’t seem convinced, but Maryse came into the kitchen then and they decided they should both stop.

“Isabelle, could you take the mugs in?” Maryse said as she entered the kitchen. Both Alec and Izzy knew what that meant; mother wanted a conversation with the remaining sibling, with Alec.

But she could not deny, and she nodded as she gathered what she needed and went out, throwing Alec an apologetic look over her shoulder. Alec prepared himself, he knew the questions were coming and he knew he could avoid them no longer. He had had some time to think, he hoped it aided him.

There was quite the telling silence between them before Maryse decided what she wanted to say. Alec understood that, really, this was coming from a place of love, that she wanted her son to be happy because she loved him. But it didn’t always feel like that, and since Alec was in a sensitive place, he really didn’t need this. Maybe he would never want it, but he particularly did not want it now.

“I thought you and Jonathan made a nice couple,” she initiated.

“Mm,” Alec hummed, noncommittal.

“What happened?”

“It just wasn’t right, mum.”

“You are going to be thirty in September,” Maryse reminded him as if he didn’t know that. “That bakery has taken up so much of your life. Your sister is engaged, your best friend is engaged, they are moving on ahead, making a life that will last whilst your bakery-.”

“I love that bakery,” Alec interjected. “And what would you rather me do? Sit in an office and come home in the evenings where I do nothing and whittle away my life that way? You want me to go out drinking in the evening and date the first guy that makes eyes at me? You and dad got divorced, and you’ve always said it was, in part, because you got married when you were too young, and you thought you had to because life dictated that was the way it had to happen for you. Why is that what you want for me?”

“That isn’t what I want for you.”

“Then, what do you want?”

“I want you to be happy.”

Alec huffed out a humourless laugh. “Raziel, I want to be happy too. I just don’t think some people are built to be happy. Now, can we make this about Izzy and Simon? Please.”

Maryse could likely argue forever, but it was Izzy’s day. It wasn’t about him or his relationships, and Alec was glad for that. Thinking about Izzy and Simon and their happiness, that would be great.

The next few months passed, and it was all wedding galore, really. Both engaged couples set their dates, though Izzy and Simon were planning a longer engagement, partially because the venue Izzy wanted was in high demand. Jace and Clary were planning to get married on her stepfather’s farm, where her mother and stepfather got married, so that was a lot easier to book and not wait for. Alec was best man for Jace, and was content that he wasn’t for Simon. Simon did ask if he wanted to be in the groom’s party, but they weren’t that close, and he was still part of the head table given Izzy was his sister.

Jonathan was also going to be part of the groom’s party, but they had yet to see each other. Alec wondered if Jace had done that on purpose, kept them apart, but he couldn’t be sure. Alec, of course, had no bad feelings towards him, but he would not hate Jonathan for having poor feelings towards him.

The seasons continued to change, and the date of the wedding grew closer. In the midst of wedding planning, Alec had his thirtieth birthday. He was so keenly aware that every person who came to his party, which was a surprise that Alec had known all about, was either married or in a relationship.

The party had been held at his sister’s house for they had the most enormous home to live in. Simon was in a rather successful band that did a lot of backing tracks for groups, which meant they didn’t have to tour which was a great thing for their relationship because Izzy had never wanted anything long-distance. Izzy was a makeup artist for a local station, so they both brought in a nice bit of money, allowing them this sizeable place, which their parents did aid them with of course. Alec was so proud of his sister for managing it. He could afford a better place than where he was living, but it was so convenient, he didn’t want to move out. He couldn’t afford the five-bedroom house that his sister was living in, but still, he had money, and that was something his parents had to live with even if they still didn’t care for his vocation.

Jace had picked him up on the Saturday that his birthday fell on, claiming it would just be a small gathering with Izzy and the others. Alec knew that was not the case because the staff he was closest with had all been busy or come up with some excuse as to why they could not work that Saturday. He still had enough staff to cover for them and, usually, he would have to say that some of them had to work because he was still the boss and owner of a company, but he knew what the truth was behind their excuses, so he said nothing and pretended that he didn’t know what was going on. He also knew something was going on because he was told to dress nicely, and he wouldn’t need to dress nicely if it was just a small, intimate gathering where his sister would be cooking.

When he had walked through Izzy’s house, mainly open plan, and emerged into their gorgeous garden and everyone had jumped out and yelled, ‘surprise!’, Alec had smiled and feigned some shock. He had known it was coming, but part of the surprise was all the effort everyone had gone into, so he appreciated it all the same.

He went around and greeted everyone, saw the pile of presents on the garden table and dreaded opening them in front of everyone. He hated that part, but he knew he would have to endure it given they had all done so much to celebrate this next year of life.

His father had come along, bringing the very pregnant Anna along with him. She was about ready to burst any day now, and Alec was going to be thirty and have a new-born as a sibling, which baffled absolutely everyone. His mother, who was the only single member of the party like Alec, though she had been married and Alec counted that as something, stayed as far away from Anna as possible. Throughout the celebrations, he saw that she would talk to Robert, but Anna was another obstacle, and Alec knew it was going to take some time to get around to talking to her.

There was his staff as well, and some more distant members of the family, like his cousin Aline and her girlfriend, Helen. There were some friends Alec hadn’t spoken to in years, and he took pleasure in catching up with them. He knew Jonathan would have been invited, even if they hadn’t started dating, and it was sad he wasn’t about. Alec wondered if he had been invited but declined. That would be even sadder.

His brother was also there, but without his boyfriend. Alec ended up talking to him last as Max stayed away from crowds. Alec wished he could do that as well, but as the point of this celebration, as the centre of it, he couldn’t do that for long, only when he was talking to Max could he manage to escape.

“Where’s Will?” Alec asked. He hadn’t met him yet, but he wanted to. He wanted to meet the important people in his family’s life and he had never had the chance to meet Kit, so he wanted to meet Will.

“Oh, he’s still in LA,” Max said, which was where they both went to college. “He couldn’t afford the flight and wouldn’t allow me to pay for him, so… He wished you a happy thirtieth, though.”

“Thank him for me,” Alec said, and Max nodded, his smile bright because he was talking about the guy he loved. “And it’s still really great between you?”

Max nodded, a touch of red brushing against his cheeks. “He, um… He jokingly said something about marriage the other day, and whilst it was a joke it was like… you know, not really. And… I like that, you know, that idea.”

“You’re not allowed to get married,” Alec said, feigning a serious tone. “You are my baby brother, and you are not allowed.”

Max laughed. “You might be getting an even babier, baby brother soon, so what about him?”

“Well, that baby will not be allowed to get married either. Ever.”

Max laughed again.

A small pause followed before Alec asked, “You really love him, then?”

Max nodded. “I really do.”

Alec was glad. If he could not be happy in love, then he was overjoyed that his siblings could be. Maybe he could live, vicariously, through their love. It was something, a slither where Alec thought he deserved none and knew he would get no more.

“And what about you?” Max asked.

“Me?” Alec took a swig of the beer he had been given during his preliminary rounds of the crowd. He hated beer, but it was good to occupy his hands with something so he didn’t feel so naked and vulnerable. Max nodded, so Alec asked, “In terms of?”

“Dating,” Max clarified. “Izzy mentioned that that Magnus guy broke you and Jonathan up, but that you weren’t with him. So, I was just curious.”

Alec took another sip of his beer. “Yeah, that did happen. I’m not really looking for anything.”

“Oh, okay,” Max said. “Is it ugly between you?”

“I don’t know,” Alec answered. “I don’t want it to be… but I wasn’t there for him. Not when I should have been, so… I’m not one to give out relationship advice and Raziel knows that, but make sure you’re there for Will. Always.”

“Okay.” Max paused. “Are you… unhappy?”

Alec sighed, heavy. “I’m not sure. Not really.”

“Okay,” Max repeated. “I hope you can be. Soon.”

“Thanks,” Alec said. It was important to be honest, particularly with Max whom he loved. He wanted Max to know that he was struggling, but that he was okay. You couldn’t be happy every single day, and Alec wanted Max to know that that was all right. Maybe happiness was struggling to find him, but that was all right because he was still functioning.

The birthday event continued from afternoon into evening, people relaxing and becoming more talkative. Alec spent about half an hour opening his gifts, most of which were baking goods, but Alec could never get enough of those. The only constant in his life was baking, and he needed that to keep living as a normal human being.

As the evening grew older and older, people started to leave. Alec thanked everyone for coming, he had enjoyed the day even if he wasn’t a fan of being in the limelight. It was great to have everyone in one place, great to talk to everyone, see what they were all getting up to. Alec could only say that he was now single and that he was still baking, but he was content with that. He could see some people were pitying him, concerned he wasn’t living to his fullest, but Alec was content, and that was all he needed; his own knowledge that he was fine.

When it was only the immediate family left, Max went back home with Maryse, Robert and Anna having left earlier, and then it was only the five of them. They were all going to sleep over at Izzy and Simon’s, so they decided to have one last drink before they retired to bed. Alec offered to grab a bottle of wine, and Jace accompanied him as Simon, Izzy, and Clary talked weddings. Weddings were the focus of so many conversations now.

Alec uncorked it in the kitchen as Jace collected the glasses. It was quite silent between them, and Alec wondered what Jace might want to say to him now they were alone. They didn’t get to see each other so often any longer, not with Alec having the bakery and Jace working as a personal trainer, and with all the wedding planning that didn’t involve Alec, but they would always be close despite that. They were the kind of friends where they could pick up as if no time apart had been spent at all. But, as they had been apart, Alec wondered what Jace might want to say now they were together. He suspected it was about Magnus or dating, but Alec was so used to those conversations now, he did not dread them.

“Can I just ask you something?” Jace began, resting on the pristine, white counters behind him, the glasses arranged so they could take them out to the others sitting by the heater they had outside. It was September after all and, whilst a pleasant day, the nights were growing colder.

Alec nodded.

“Are you going to try again or…?”

“Or what?” Alec asked for clarification. “And try again at what, exactly?”

“Dating. Finding someone. I know not everyone ends up with someone, marriage isn’t the plan or the life event that defines someone, it isn’t something everyone gets or even wants, but… Don’t you want that?”

“Do I want to be married?”

“Yes.”

Alec shrugged, fiddling with the cork he had removed from the wine bottle. “A question like that, it’s like asking if I want to reach the peak of a mountain or run a marathon, you know? There’s so much between the beginning of that and the end, there’s all this time in between that needs to be filled, that needs to be accomplished. To reach the peak, I’ve got to do all that climbing, I’ve got to be prepared and know every detail about that climb. To complete a marathon, I need all that training, I need supplies and the right stamina. To get married, I have to be with someone who I want to marry. You can’t just do that. It’s even tougher than climbing the mountain, because to climb that, all I’ve got to do is do it. I can’t prepare for marriage by myself.”

“But are you taking the steps to do that?”

“The steps?”

“Dating. Meeting people. Those are the preparation steps. You’re thirty now, that’s a great time for lots of people to be settling down, you could meet someone who also wants to get married. It’s different when you’re younger and you’re not thinking about the future.”

“Maybe I’m not thinking about the future, then.”

“But do you want to be alone?”

“Why does it have to be alone just because I don’t have a boyfriend or husband? I have you guys, I have other friends. I won’t be alone.”

“No, and I get that,” Jace said, and he sighed. “But we are our own unit, in a way. The older we become, once we’re married, maybe we have kids, it moulds life into this different thing. Of course, you will always be a part of that, whether you’re married or not, but a family unit becomes something so different. I just don’t want you…”

“Left behind?” Alec finished.

“In a way, yes.”

Alec shrugged. He didn’t have an answer for that.

“I just want you to be happy,” Jace said into the silence.

Alec huffed out a laugh. “What is happiness, Jace? I’m not trying to be philosophical, but why is it this big thing that we all have to achieve? There’s so much in life that isn’t happy, and that’s just the way it is. Happiness isn’t a thing. You can’t buy it, you can’t sell it, you can’t hold it in your hands, it’s not a pill to swallow or a food to eat, it’s not something you can bottle and give out to people.

“There’s no true way to be happy. A husband isn’t going to make me happy more than it truly makes anyone else happy. I suppose happiness is all these little things that accumulate to make you think something is good. I don’t want to take away from your happiness, from your relationship, from your eventual marriage. That’s great, and I’m glad it makes you happy, but I don’t have that, and everyone assuming that I’m unhappy because I don’t have that, well… it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe I am unhappy, but maybe that’s because _everyone_ is telling me that I’m unhappy _because_ I’m not with someone.”

He wasn’t mad, and he wasn’t really ranting. He just had so many things to say, so many thoughts on the matter, and he voiced them now because Jace had asked him the question.

“I know that I’m thirty,” Alec continued, grabbing the bottle so that they could leave and join the others. “But I’ll soon be forty, and then I’ll be fifty, and maybe I’ll have more perspective but, right now, I’m okay and I want everyone else to be okay with me being okay.”

Jace probably had more to say, but they left it at that. It didn’t sour the mood, and maybe that was because Alec didn’t really care about those conversations any longer. He was sure more would come as he got older, but he would care even less by then. All he wanted now was to have a drink with those he was closest with, enjoy their company, and then continue with the rest of his life.

And the seasons continued to change as the date of Jace and Clary’s wedding grew closer. He still did not see Jonathan, which was odd given they were both groomsmen, and Alec continued to wonder if Jace was keeping them apart. During the bachelor’s party that Alec had planned, Jonathan had been invited, of course, but he had not come. Jace had told him that he had planned to come but was busy, dealing with work because they had lost some staff at the hospital. Alec thought that was fair, he remembered how hectic his shifts could become, but he didn’t want to dampen the mood. He didn’t want anyone to be keeping them apart because he didn’t want it to be awkward. Jonathan hadn’t even managed to come to the rehearsal dinner, but they had had more warning about that. To get the day of the wedding off, he had had to work some other shifts, and the night of the rehearsal dinner was one of them. It still felt off, though, particularly as they had left a space for him beside his sister.

It was so busy the day of the wedding that, even though they were finally in the same room after a year of not seeing each other, they still managed to avoid each other, even if it was accidental. Alec was busy reassuring Jace that he was enough for Clary and that they were going to have a beautiful wedding, and Alec thought Jonathan was likely with Clary, telling her she was beautiful. Jace only allowed himself to be vulnerable around those he was closest with, and that was, really, only Alec and Clary, so only Alec was allowed in to talk him down. He was fidgety and pacing, and Alec smiled to himself as he reassured him further.

Jonathan and Alec didn’t stand next to each other at the altar because Jonathan was busy being genial as they waited for Clary’s arrival, chatting to the people as Alec stayed beside Jace. Jace was putting on a face, pretending he wasn’t nervous, but Alec knew, should he leave to talk to other people, Jace would not be so calm, so he remained with him.

It was odd to see him after a year apart. He looked good in his suit, tailored for him. He had gone to another tailoring session other than the one where all the other groomsmen attended, but his suit was the same as the others, of course. His hair had been cut shorter than Alec was used to seeing it, but he was the same. He smiled still, his eyes still shimmered that way they had before, and he still seemed as sweet as ever. Alec was glad he hadn’t destroyed that.

Alec’s mind, and rightfully so, went to the wedding when Clary emerged in her simple and elegant dress, being given away by her stepfather, Luke. It was all wedding and ceremonies, ‘I love you’s’ and tears. It was a sizeable wedding, they were both popular people, so he wondered if Jonathan would be able to avoid him for the entire evening, if that was what he was doing in the first place. Perhaps Alec was just paranoid. They were more connected than ever now, it would be for the best if they didn’t ignore each other.

After his speech and the first dance of the newlyweds, everyone began mixing and Alec grabbed himself a drink. He knew that weddings often involved mixing of multiple kinds; it brought out the romance in people after all. It also brought out the desperation; people seeing others bound by marriage, seeing couples and love, lots wanted that for themselves. Seeing a relatively young couple, promising each other that they would love the other forever, it made a lot of people panic, it made a lot of people settle.

Alec didn’t plan on that. He had rather gotten over the idea of settling, of finding some man who was fine and would do for the rest of his life. A lot of people settled because they just didn’t know what else to do with themselves, because the world said, unless you were dating or married, life just wasn’t worth living. Alec didn’t believe that, and weddings didn’t bring that panic out of him either.

He was perusing the crowd as the evening set itself in, watching as the couples gathered, both new and old. Alec wasn’t sure if he envied them or not. It had been so long since he had seen Magnus, but that did not mean he didn’t enter his mind. It was a sort of numb feeling now, like he was so used to it, he barely felt it. It was a part of his being, one he was used to, like a flaw he had come to ignore, a crooked tooth or particularly knobbly knees. He had come to hate it and then grown accustomed to it. He had forgotten to envy those who had a perfectly sized nose and slim legs, it didn’t bother him any longer.

“Hey, stranger,” a voice said from behind him. Alec turned to see Jonathan, smiling. He did look handsome in his suit, but Alec thought he probably shouldn’t have those thoughts any longer. Jonathan deserved better than him, and he hoped he knew that too.

“Hey,” Alec replied. He took a swig of his drink, the alcohol bitter as it slipped down his throat. It made this whole thing easier, however. “How are you?”

“I’m great,” Jonathan answered. “You?”

Alec nodded, and then he paused for a moment before he managed, “I’m really… Jonathan, I’m so sorry.”

Jonathan laughed through his nose, his eyes shining that way they always did. He nodded, and Alec realised he had missed him. Yes, he hadn’t been in love with him, not in the way he deserved, but he had liked him, and he hated that he had hurt him.

“Clary… she told me a bit about it all,” Jonathan said. “I’m not mad, Alec. I’m really not.”

Alec huffed out a laugh. “I think I deserve your anger.”

He shook his head. “Forgiveness is harder, huh?”

It was true. Alec probably would have preferred it if Jonathan was mad with him, but anger was not Jonathan’s style. It never had been.

“I thought you might have been avoiding me,” Alec said.

“I know,” Jonathan said, his smile growing. “I wasn’t, I promise. Things were just getting in the way, and it all fell just at the wrong time. I wouldn’t do that, I really wouldn’t.”

It was some reassurance. Maybe they could be friends, Alec would really appreciate that.

They chatted for a short while, catching up because they had been apart for so long. Neither of them were truly cruel, so it made sense they would be able to get along, be able to connect again. Even though Alec felt he had been cruel, he was glad he had not lost him as a friend because that was just better for everyone now their lives were truly integrated.

Before they parted, Alec said, just because he felt he ought to and because Jonathan deserved it, “Find some who loves you.”

“And you,” Jonathan said. Then, “Obviously, not me.”

“I’d have you in a second if I thought I could treat you right.”

Jonathan smiled a sad smile and then hugged Alec. He parted to talk with some other friends, for everyone was a friend of Jonathan’s, and Alec remained by himself for a little while. Sometimes, he thought, he was better alone, but maybe that wasn’t fair, maybe he brought that on himself.

He did spend a lot of time with a lot of people, weddings did that after all. It meant he did go home with some guy, one of Clary’s friends he had never met. His name was Cameron, and he was perfectly fine in the bedroom. It might have been only a spark of romance, a spark of lust, a spark of simply something, but it _was_ something, He expected to only have these momentary sparks in his love life for the rest of his life, but that didn’t bother him.

The months blended together following that; his mother pestered him about settling down, there was further wedding planning for his sister, he baked more and more, and profits grew. It all sort of blended into the same thing, existence just became steps, but that was okay. At least steps meant going forward, at least he wasn’t stagnant.


	13. Let it Rain

> “For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”   
> ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The months continued and Alec didn’t find love, but he wasn’t looking. His family, his friends, they did still try and set him up, but not as actively. What tended to happen was that they would all meet up, and suddenly there was a single, gay guy and they were sat next to each other. It would usually end in sex, but never anything more than that, and that was fine. Alec really didn’t care, his career and his friends were what he needed.

Izzy and Simon’s wedding was beautiful, as Alec expected it to be. Their father danced with her and then Alec danced with her, and it was a beautiful affair, another event in the days that were Alec’s life. It was an important event, of course, but just one thing that broke the weeks up. Given he was used to just letting it rain, these were momentary clouds that broke up those spells.

Regarding business, Alec bought the place next door once it went up for sale. It had moved around a little while over the years in terms of who owned it, it once was a sewing store, then it had become a printing business, and before Alec had bought it, it was an art supply shop that Clary had loved but it just hadn’t gotten the sales it needed to continue. Deciding to purchase it and expand was a massive step. Business did become a little rough because of the redecoration, but once it was open again, there was more space, more staff, more things to sell. Who needed love when you had a career that made you happy?

Given he was thirty-three when he had expanded the store, his family really thought they ought to help him date and find someone he could settle with. There wasn’t a body clock on him like there was for some others, but that didn’t mean anyone thought he should slow down. Thirty was still young, but that didn’t mean everyone thought he shouldn’t keep trying.

They did ease up, but it wasn’t like they stopped altogether. Like everything else, however, Alec got used to it. He gave the routine answers, showed his mother that he was doing well for himself because of his career and how well it was thriving, but that was it. Sure, it was routine, but Alec had his baking.

The big question he had for himself, always, was whether he had moved on from Magnus. Sometimes, he thought he had. When a customer came in and he was cute, or when there was a guy down the street who smiled at him, he thought maybe that meant Magnus wasn’t on his mind, that his mind and his body could forget Magnus and he could be with someone else. He didn’t think he needed a boyfriend or husband to survive, but he wasn’t going to pass it up if it ever happened.

But he didn’t think he had, not truly. The first thing he always thought when he was with a guy, be it sexually or just seeing him down the street, it was usually what similarities he shared with Magnus. There weren’t always many; maybe his skin tone, maybe black hair, maybe a good fashion sense, but it was always superficial like that. None of them made him laugh like Magnus had, none of them made him think about them like Magnus had, none of them existed in the same realm as Magnus. He was used to that feeling, as he was used to everything else, but he wished it would go. It was kind of like moving on, but not really.

He didn’t think he was ever going to see Magnus again. It had been years since their argument, years since Alec had told him to leave, years since he had broken up with Jonathan because of it. He wasn’t sure if he was hopeful whenever the bell rang. Maybe he had been a few years ago, but that feeling had faded.

After summer had come to its slow end, Alec could finally wear his thicker jumpers. The fall was still warm, but Alec loved his jumpers like nothing else. Being in his thirties didn’t change that, but nothing about him had really changed over the years. He was quite content, sure that he had been himself always. Some people had to do this finding of themselves thing, which was valid, but Alec had never intended to do that and never wanted to. He was content with himself, and he didn’t need to travel or do yoga. Alec was who he was, he had been since he was a teen, if he didn’t feel like he had to change or discover himself, then he wasn’t going to.

The lunch rush, which was, quite often, an enormous rush now, had passed, and customers were filtering in and out regularly. Alec was still at the bakery all the time, but he mostly did baking out in the back now. He came out for regular customers if he heard them, but he let his staff do the selling. Everyone was comfortable with their jobs, and it meant Alec could do what he loved, all day, every day.

Livvy came through as he was baking out back, trying out new bread recipes. Bread was very popular, which Alec was glad for, but it hadn’t been easy to begin with. Now, making rolls and sourdoughs, adding fruits and flavours, it was a real joy to him. All of baking was.

Alec wiped his hands on his apron and waited for her to speak.

“Hey,” she greeted. “There’s some guy out there asking for you. He’s got a suit on and everything,”

“What does he want?”

“Not sure. He just asked if he could speak to the owner.”

Alec wiped at his brow. “Does he have a complaint?”

“He hasn’t bought anything, so I sure hope not.” She smiled and turned to go back and continue serving.

Of course, it may or may not have entered his mind that it could be a certain someone. No part of him believed it would be because, well, why would he come back? What reason would he have to appear suddenly? But a stranger whom the new staff didn’t know and looked nice in a suit and was asking after Alec, of course he instantly thought it might be Magnus.

It was odd what it did to his heart. It was like it sparked with possibility, actually beat for the first time in years. He knew it shouldn’t have, he shouldn’t have allowed his heart to come alive like that, but it happened.

When he emerged and saw that it wasn’t Magnus, he was neither disappointed nor upset. He hadn’t really expected it to be Magnus in the first place, it was just the possibility that had made him come alive. But then it was back to regularly scheduled programming, and that was probably for the best.

“Hello,” Alec greeted. The man was, indeed, dressed in a suit, but it wasn’t as nice as the suits he had seen Magnus in. He, however, stopped thinking about Magnus the second he popped into his head because he had stopped caring about comparing people to Magnus. This guy had ginger hair, and he was quite tall and slender, his waistcoat making him look even slimmer. He had warm eyes, hazel, and he smiled brightly at Alec. “I’m the owner, Alec, Alec Lightwood.”

“Hello, I’m Henry,” he responded, and he reached over the counter to shake Alec’s hand. “Do you have an office we could go to?”

“Is there an issue?”

He shook his head. “Not at all. I just wanted to have a chat, businessman to businessman.”

Alec nodded and invited him through to the back, past the kitchen and into the small office space where Alec held interviews and did the other business shit like payslips and taxes. Sure, he didn’t spend all that much time in there because he could do that upstairs or on the shopfloor where he could talk to his friends and staff, but he had an official space to keep the important paperwork. He was, technically, a businessman after all, even if he would rather just bake all day and all night, and ignore filing.

“Sorry, it’s a bit small,” Alec apologised as they came in. “It doesn’t really get used much.”

Alec sat at his desk, and Henry sat in the other chair across from him. Alec wasn’t entirely sure what was going to happen or why he was here, but he had just put things in the oven, so he had some time before he had to continue his processes.

“So, what it is I can do for you?” Alec asked, sitting back in his chair.

“I’m from a company called GrowBiz,” he began. “We look at some of the small, thriving businesses in the area and help them become big businesses, something grand and prosperous. We noticed you expanded a little while back, that it’s going well, and we thought we’d offer you the opportunity to get even bigger. Make _Lightwood Delights_ a national brand.”

Alec nodded. He had never wanted to expand past this store. Baking was his passion, his love, not business. Even expanding the store into the shop next to it had been quite the business venture. It wasn’t anything he had ever planned, but he had needed to do it. He didn’t think he would need to expand past that, get another shop. He didn’t want to either, he was content with the way it was now and he was sure it would only get stressful if it got bigger. He had moments of stress as it was, but it was never anything serious. A bigger business really felt like it would come with stress.

“We’ve prepared some paperwork for you,” he continued as he pulled up his briefcase and pulled out some papers. He placed them on the desk and pushed them towards Alec who didn’t immediately pick them up. “We thought we’d start small. We found two buildings out of state to lease, to trial out how it works. What do you think of them?”

Alec thumbed through them and found the pictures of the two buildings. They were sweet, smaller than this one had been to begin with, but probably decent enough for someone trying to start up a shop. If Alec had been thinking of making his business grow, then it would be the perfect place to do that.

But Alec wasn’t thinking of making his business grow. When he explained this to Henry, he was encouraged to think about it, to take some time. He left his business card and said Alec should call him the second he made his decision. Henry obviously thought Alec’s decision was going to be beneficial for him, they obviously worked on some sort of commission, but Alec knew his decision the second he had started talking, and it wasn’t going to change.

The paperwork was left for Alec to peruse, but it would likely become scrap, something to write impromptu recipes on before he wrote it up neatly. He did that a lot. He had a lot of notebooks full of his recipes. Some of his staff, even his friends said maybe he should sell books that included them.

But that was another business venture. It might be less impactful than buying other buildings but it meant needing publishing, it meant meeting with other people, photoshoots, sharing his recipes. He did like sharing his recipes with friends but, really, writing it down for a book so he could publish it was something else. Maybe when he was older. He didn’t have many other plans.

He was sitting in front of the television, eating some of the fresh bread he had made when he got a phone call from Jace. Given he was married now, they didn’t see each other all that often because Clary and Jace had bought a big house that was quite a distance away. Alec still made sure to see them, but adult life didn’t always work like that.

“Hey,” Alec greeted as he turned the volume down on the television. “What’s up?”

“Hey,” Jace replied. “Um, I have news. Really, like, you know, great news.”

“Yeah? What would that be?”

“Well,” Jace said, and Alec heard him sigh. It was contented, and Alec waited for the news. “Clary’s pregnant.”

Alec was stunned into silence for a minute. He hadn’t known that they had been trying, but they had been married for three years now and it was probably the right time given they were both into their thirties. People did have kids at later ages, and it made sense for them both if that was what they wanted. They would be great parents, and Alec was so glad for them.

“That’s amazing,” Alec congratulated. “I didn’t know you guys were trying.”

“We haven’t been, really,” Jace said. “Condoms are not fool proof, but we won’t tell the baby that.”

Alec laughed through his nose.

“We’re not supposed to tell people yet, I don’t think. Clary only took the test like, ten minutes ago, so we’re just telling the important people.”

“That’s great, Jace.”

“You better teach my baby to bake.”

“Of course.” Alec laughed through his nose. “When is it safe to tell other people?”

“Like, a few weeks. I think maybe two months. I don’t know, we don’t know anything about milestones or whatever. We just had to tell you. We don’t even know how pregnant she is yet, but we had to tell you and her brothers.”

Jace gushed about the joys of being a father, though he knew he shouldn’t get attached yet. But it was still exciting, and Alec was happy he was gushing.

Eventually, Jace stopped gushing and asked, “So, tell me what’s new with you?”

“Hm,” Alec hummed, mock thinking. “I’ve made some more bread.”

“Is it good bread?”

“It’s great bread. I’ll make you some for the next time I see you.”

“I expect it.”

“Oh,” Alec said, remembering he had some news, something more than just the bread baking. “This guy came into today. He offered some more bakeries out of state to grow the business.”

“Holy shit, Alec!” Jace exclaimed. “That’s great.”

“I said no, but, yeah…”

“Why did you say no?”

“I’ve never wanted it to be a corporate thing. If you add more bakeries, then suddenly it becomes… like a business thing. I can’t be at every bakery, I can’t manage it or live upstairs for every single one. I have to start making phone calls, seeing if the deliveries can be made to these other buildings. I can’t check quality. It’s… It isn’t personal. I didn’t start a bakery to make loads of money and make my name known throughout the world. I just want to bake.”

“But you could be rich.”

“I don’t want to be rich, Jace,” Alec said, and he huffed out a laugh.

“You just want to bake,” Jace replied, and Alec could hear he was smiling. “Clary’s done on the phone with Jonathan, so I should go, but I’ll keep you updated on everything.”

“Good. I’ll come visit soon. Congrats again, that’s really great news.”

Maybe Alec was being left behind, but he didn’t necessarily feel it. Other people might have looked at him and seen that, seen a man who was venturing on middle-aged who had had one serious relationship that had broken up, and he was unmarried, single, and without kids whilst those closest in his life did those life events. But Alec didn’t need them, no one did really unless they wanted them. Other people might look in and see tragedy, but Alec looked out and saw the same. He was content, and that was all that mattered to him.

The first time he noticed Clary’s bump was a few months later. She was so little, it was rather noticeable where it wouldn’t be on anyone else. And it was then, when they were having this meeting, that Izzy announced she was pregnant as well, just about a month behind Clary. Things always came in threes and, for a single second, Alec wondered if Camille was pregnant too.

For some, ungodly reason, babies brought out his mother’s intensity in finding him a partner tenfold. She was going to be a grandmother, and she was clearly excited about that, and that excitement was poured both into the idea of a grandchild and into trying to get Alec someone.

But it wasn’t going to work. Alec had avoided it since he was a teen and he was avoiding it now. He was used to her questions and could now answer them with a smile, say no with better conviction. He could focus the attention on his sister and Simon, and Maryse could not defect from that and was suddenly talking about baby clothes and names and the best cots she had seen online and what books they should get and which hospital they should go to, and Alec could smile to himself and Max.

Max, now, was twenty-five and also engaged to Will. Will, whilst seemingly a bit of a prat, was also quite sweet. He got along so well with Jace, merged well with the rest of the Lightwoods, and fit naturally into the family. When he had announced his engagement quietly, it had been so exciting, but they were planning a long engagement, their careers at the forefront of their lives. Max was illustrating for a small comic company and Will was in acting, so they were working hard to keep their careers growing.

Fall turned to the Christmas season, the baby bumps got bigger, the excitement grew, and Alec was looking forward to being an uncle. It would bring another aspect to his life, and Alec needed something new. He didn’t want anything major, just a change would be nice. Change could be good, and whilst Alec was doing all right, monotony wasn’t great for anyone.

Jace text him just before he turned the sign around in the shop, saying they were having a baby girl. There had been some issue with the way the baby was facing so they couldn’t find out earlier, but now, after this latest scan, they could. Alec was very happy with the news and made sure to text Jace back promptly. It was a Sunday afternoon, Alec was closing the store alone, so he didn’t have to be worried about texting on the shopfloor and wondering if the staff thought he was being too lax. He couldn’t allow texting on the shopfloor, he didn’t mind if they did it out back, but he knew customers could be assholes and would complain. Given the shop was closed and he was alone, he thought he would be fine to do it.

After texting Jace for about ten minutes because he was becoming a little obsessed with baby names and Alec had to tell him that Milk really wasn’t a great name for a baby, Alec got back to cleaning. It was such a routine now and, whilst he did know that monotony was bad, there was a severe difference between monotony and routine. Routine was great and could be mixed up, but monotony lasted forever. He liked his cleaning routine which he did everyday he was working, and he liked to do it alone when he worked on a Sunday; wiping the tables, mopping the floor, stacking the chairs and making it all organised, it was a beautiful thing.

Alec heard the bell go as he was wiping the glass counters down. He turned, thinking either he had forgotten to turn the sign around, although people should get the hint with the lights being off, or that he was being robbed, though the quiet didn’t seem the right atmosphere for that.

“Sorry, we are closed now,” Alec said as he turned.

Then he stilled, frozen to his spot and unsure what he should feel or think.

Magnus Bane stood before him, just inside the doors of the bakery. All the years that had changed between them, and he still looked the same. Alec’s stupid, fond heart still skipped, as if it was eight years ago and he still saw Magnus every Saturday.

But so much had changed, so much was different, and Alec told himself he hated Magnus when that could never be true.


	14. The Right Time

> “Patience is power.
> 
> Patience is not an absence of action;
> 
> rather it is "timing"
> 
> it waits on the right time to act,
> 
> for the right principles
> 
> and in the right way.”
> 
> ― Fulton J. Sheen

There was a deadly long pause. Both had stilled, merely watching the other. Alec could not fathom what Magnus was doing here.

“Hey,” Magnus said. There was very little to his facial expression. Alec could read nothing from him, and so he could not respond.

He could also not respond because his voice no longer appeared to work.

“I, um, well, I’m not sure why I’m here today…” Magnus said when Alec said nothing.

Alec continued to watch him, only slowly beginning to breathe again.

Magnus sighed and looked around. The bakery had changed plenty since he had last seen it, but Alec was sure Magnus was really looking around to save time, to think of something to say. Alec just watched him, unable to look away.

When Magnus looked back to him, his eyes were searching and unsure. Alec still couldn’t find it within himself to say anything to him. What could he possibly say after all this, after their last conversation?

“I wanted to see you,” Magnus said. “I have for a while.”

Alec wanted to ask why, but his voice still hadn’t found him.

This seemed to upset Magnus a little, but Alec didn’t know what he was meant to do.

“Are you, uh… Are you seeing anyone?” Magnus asked.

Alec furrowed his brow. “Why?”

“I’ve thought about you every day since it happened.”

“It?” Alec repeated.

Magnus swallowed visibly. “Since we spoke last, I have thought about you every single day.”

“And is that supposed to make me love you again?”

Magnus blinked slowly. He sighed quietly, but Alec could still hear it, just as he could hear the clock tick beside him.

“Ever since it happened, I could not stop thinking about you,” Magnus repeated with a sigh. “I went back to my apartment and I thought about everything you said, everything you knew, and I thought about everything I knew about you.”

Alec just stared. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but his heart, which had previously been shattered could not bear to shut him out again.

“And I thought about how I did know so much about you, like how you started this bakery against your parents’ wishes, and how much you love your brother and sister, and how much you love to bake. And then there’s your passion for making others happy, and how you’ve never left the State, but you’re content with that, and how you’ve only had one boyfriend but you didn’t like the way he kissed. I know you really hate skinny jeans and shopping, you like watching baking videos and you don’t really care for pets. I know you love fall and that you have more jumpers than you know what to do with. I know that you’re not a big fan of the cinema and that you’re scared of spiders.

“I know you want kids and marriage, and that I broke your heart, and I hate myself for it.” He paused. “I think of all these things, Alec, and I think I’ve loved you and all of these things for a long time.”

Alec shrugged, lost for words. His eyes had watered and he knew, whenever he could begin speaking again, he would start crying, but he didn’t care. “Is this supposed to change anything?” He did start to cry, but he wasn’t breathless, it was just tears falling steadily down his cheeks.

“I just…” Magnus sighed again. “I had to let you know.”

“Why?”

“Because… Because if I never did, I would die with this regret.”

“And what am I supposed to do? What do I do with this information? What if I had been married or what if I was with someone? You would just… just come in here and tell me this and expect, what? Me to stop everything I’m doing and go to you. Who am I, to you? And what are we? What is this? What are we doing and why… why are you doing this to me? Why, Magnus?”

Magnus swallowed and searched Alec’s eyes. Alec’s breathing grew less steady and he wanted answers, answers that only Magnus could bring.

“I don’t have… an answer,” Magnus said. “I don’t have anything… clear? I just… I had to do _something_ , you know? I couldn’t just let this go.”

There was another pause, the two just watching each other. Magnus had all the pieces to his heart, he held them, claimed them as his own and owned them, and Alec knew that. Magnus had to know that too, to be here like this, he had to realise the hold he had on Alec. Was he abusing that? Alec couldn’t be sure. But to bring this here, after all this time, and expect answers, answers that Alec could never have even if he wanted them, how was that fair? What could Alec do to answer either of their questions?

“I don’t know why I came today,” he said eventually.

“It was your birthday yesterday,” Alec said because, of course, he remembered.

Alec remembering this seemed to affect Magnus as he hung his head, Alec didn’t know what he should do. This was not what he expected to be doing tonight.

“Do you hate me?” Magnus asked, looking at Alec, eyes shimmering with tears.

Alec sucked in a harsh breath, more tears streaming down his cheeks. “You think it’s possible for me to hate you? After everything I told you? After twelve years of loving you, you think it’s possible for me to just end that?”

“But I broke your heart?”

“Yes, you fucking did. And even that wasn’t enough.”

“You don’t want to love me?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“I don’t know.”

They were silent for a moment then. Alec wasn’t sure what came next, what either of them were meant to do now. There was still so much to say, but Alec wasn’t sure if either of them were going to say it.

The store phone started ringing, the sudden sound in the silence making Alec jump. The two of them watched each other as the phone rang, filling that silence.

Alec sighed. “Lock the door, would you?” Alec asked, wiping his face some more.

“Which side do you want me on?”

Alec turned and said, “I don’t know.”

He walked to the back area and picked up the phone, greeting the person who was calling him.

“Hey, Alec, it’s Tobias,” Tobias said.

“Hello,” Alec said, wiping at his eyes some more. They felt sore and dry now, Alec feeling like he just needed a good rest. The night felt far from over, somehow.

“I just wanted to call and tell you your deliveries are going to be a bit earlier for the rest of the month with Christmas and all. Is six okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, six is fine,” Alec said. Six was fine, but Alec didn’t care either way. He was left quite empty right now.

“Well, that’s a relief,” Tobias said. “I won’t keep you. I’m sure you’re busy. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“See you then,” Alec said, hearing Tobias hang up first. Slowly, Alec put the phone down, closing his eyes and steadying his breath as much as he could.

With the little strength he had left, Alec walked back into the main store. Magnus had come further in having locked the front door. He had unbuttoned his coat, taken off his hat and scarf and held them in his hands as he looked around. Alec’s stupid heart lurched towards him again, and he hated himself for it.

He looked at Alec when he came back into view, and his eyes seemed to soften. Alec wished they wouldn’t.

“Your store got bigger then,” Magnus commented. “I would ask if you’ve got any other stores but I remember you saying this one would always be enough and that you didn’t want a chain.”

“Why are you here?” Alec asked. This pretence, Alec didn’t want it. He wanted the point, he wanted to know why Magnus was here, what he wanted. So much of him just wanted to give in, accept Magnus into his life, forget what had passed and be with him. But he knew he could not do that. The energy was soured between them. The fond memories he had of Magnus were tainted. He still loved him, adored him, still had so many fond memories, but some of those memories were spoiled because of what had happened.

Magnus sighed. He collapsed down into the chair beside him that Alec had freshly cleaned. He seemed tired, more tired than Alec had ever seen him before, and Alec wondered what toils Magnus had been through in the years they had not seen each other.

He had noticed the lack of a ring on his finger. Whether that was divorce or whether they hadn’t married, Alec had no clue. He wanted to ask, but asking didn’t feel right yet. Nothing felt right, not really. Magnus was here, in front of him, and Alec had grown accustomed to the idea he would never see him again, and he was content with that. This threw everything out of whack, and whilst Alec liked a change in routine, this was going to alter his life and he knew it.

Not sure what else he could do, Alec walked through the store and sat across from Magnus. The weight off his feet was glorious but being so close to Magnus was jarring.

“I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me,” Magnus said. This close, Alec could see the yellow in his green eyes and the perfect line of his lips. It was unfair to be this close to him, and yet Alec couldn’t bear to leave. He knew it was likely for the best if he got up and left, but his legs wouldn’t make the journey.

“I did try to for a while,” Alec admitted, unconcerned with being blunt. His heart had left years ago and he could not bring it back for Magnus now. He was not cruel, but love was far from Alec, particularly romantic love, even if he did still adore Magnus despite his will.

“Ah,” Magnus said, probably because there was little more he could say in the face of such words.

“Am I too blunt?” Alec asked.

“I did break your heart.”

“Yes, you did.” Alec released a shaky breath. It would be so very easy to start crying again.

“Is there any way forward, Alec?”

“I don’t think you’re… I don’t… I’m not sure why you’re invested. It seems… sudden, and odd. I don’t… understand,”

Magnus just looked at Alec, probably not sure how to answer.

“How can I know you’re not just here because your other romantic endeavours have gone awry and you know I’ll always be in love with you so you can come to me for comfort?”

“You’ll always be in love with me?” Magnus asked.

Alec scoffed and laughed a humourless laugh. “That’s what I fucking mean,” he said. “What’s the point of this, Magnus? What am I meant to do? How is this fair on me?”

“I don’t know,” Magnus said, and he certainly sounded defeated. “I just wanted to see you.”

“Why?”

“Because I missed you.”

“You missed me?” Alec repeated. “You missed me?”

“Is that such an awful thing?” Magnus asked. “I may have broken your heart, and this may be selfish of me, but I did miss you, I _have_ missed you. I didn’t really know how much you meant to me, and the distance has, well, it’s made me realise.”

Alec set his jaw, but not because of anger. Alec had never felt an anger like the one he had felt towards Magnus when they had last spoken. He set his jaw because he could feel the tears coming again. What a night this was becoming.

Alec rested his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands. He didn’t have it in him to go through this, he didn’t know what to say or what to do. But it was here and it was happening and Alec couldn’t make it stop.

“So, you just decided I meant something to you?” Alec asked through his hands.

“No,” Magnus said. “I realised you meant a lot to me.”

Alec sighed. He wondered what was going to come out of this night because he couldn’t see much of an ending. Whatever path he was leading, going down, it was foggy, unclear. They were walking down it together, or perhaps coming towards the same junction, but Alec couldn’t see the ground beneath his feet. He was just walking, following this road, and he hoped it led him somewhere, he hoped the path took him to something, but he could see nothing now, and he would just have to keep going and hope.

“Do you know how much it killed me to see you with Woolsey every day? And then Camille who was awful for you?” Alec asked.

“You never said anything.”

“How could I? I am not a selfish person. Or maybe I was with Jonathan, but not with you. Never with you.” Magnus wouldn’t know who Jonathan was, but that didn’t matter. Those details were so unimportant right now.

“And you think I’m being selfish now?”

Alec looked up from his hands then, looking at Magnus as he said, “Yes. Unbelievably so. And yet, for some fucking reason, all I want is for you… for you… just for you… just you. I just fucking want you, Magnus, and I have not stopped for years, since I first saw you, I have loved you. It’s this aching, unending, painful love that I have endured since I was twenty-two and, for one moment in my life, I thought it would be over because you didn’t love me, and yet it remained. And now you’re here again, and I just don’t know what to do.”

Magnus watched Alec as Alec released another shaky breath.

Slowly, as if to give enough time for Alec to pull away or slap him, Magnus reached his hand to Alec’s. Alec just watched, both desperate for this contact and unsure if he should let it happen.

But he did let it happen. When their fingers connected, Alec couldn’t be sure what he felt. He felt unsure of what was going on, but he felt fuller than he had in his entire life as well, as if this one moment had shifted something inside him and clicked into place. He knew he shouldn’t depend so much upon one person, but he did and he always would.

There was just something about Magnus’ soul that Alec’s soul loved. Even though it was so dangerous and stupid to love someone like this when it had turned out the way it had, Alec couldn’t help it. He had tried, but it had not worked.

Now, with their fingers locked and palms touching, Alec felt his soul full, met with another soul that matched his own. How else could Alec react but with holding Magnus’ hand?

“I would totally understand if you hate me,” Magnus said, Alec bringing his eyes up to meet Magnus’. “But I would very much like to have the opportunity to love you if you would let me.”

“And you’re leaving it up to me?” Alec asked. “For this to be something, how is it fair to leave it up to me?”

Magnus laughed lightly through his nose. “Can you not allow me just this, Alexander? You make this decision and we’ll go from there?”

“And where do we go?”

“I don’t know,” Magnus said. “We just go.”

Alec paused.

He had to stand and pace, separating their hands. He didn’t often believe in pacing as a concept, but it came to him. He was teetering on a lot of thoughts, on how sudden this was, how unfair it felt too. How could Magnus enter his life again and demand this of him? But then how would it be fair to enter his life with all the answers either? Nothing seemed entirely fair, but Alec felt, in terms of love, he hadn’t been given anything fair. Love took work, but not the kind of work he needed to do.

And now there was this, and Alec could only imagine how much this fucking thing would take if it was going to work. How could it work? There were a thousand things that would complicate this relationship, a thousand things that would compromise everything. There was too much that would make this go wrong, so much history that would complicate everything.

If he could talk to anyone about this decision before he had to make it, he knew they would say they shouldn’t do this. His friends, his family, they would say Magnus had broken his heart and that he would do it again. They would say a thing like this wouldn’t and couldn’t work. It was too risky, too… odd and wrong.

Magnus had been the object of his affection for years, for a decade and longer. Alec’s heart had been stuck to him and unable to move on from him even when the world was telling him he should. It was so sudden, Magnus had emerged from the shadows where Alec was no longer looking, no longer hoping there was anything in there, no light to be found. It was cruel of the world to throw this at him after he had decided he was content to live life with his career and the people around him.

And Magnus was a part of that, a part of this cruel and harsh life Alec had been living. How he could do this, Alec didn’t know. Maybe Magnus had been harbouring this unknown love for Alec within him, but to spring it on him like this, Alec thought the world was even crueller than before.

But he did love Magnus. That love had been in hibernation, buried within him as he prepared to live his life without romance, and for it to be awoken, that was sorely overwhelming. It felt like his body had been deprived and, now that it remembered what it was to have that, to exist like that, it was almost painful, and he wasn’t sure he could go back to a time without that love, his body wouldn’t function.

It barely functioned before, it had just been going, running on barely empty. This was like a battery recharged, fresh fuel. If it went away now, Alec wasn’t sure he could keep running, it would just drain him completely.

He looked at Magnus, who was watching him, a line of tension in his shoulders. He was waiting, but Alec had been waiting a decade, so maybe he deserved to have patience now. If it was the right time, then so be it, but the right time could come with Magnus waiting a few more seconds.

“You love me?” Alec asked.

“I love you.” Magnus smiled, though it was tinted with sadness and despair, tinted with a desperation for hope and being worried it would be quashed. Alec had known that smile and smiled that smile for the past decade, and then some. “You were the best part of my day for years; how could I not be in love with you?”

Alec’s breathing grew heavier and heavier. He looked for the right decision around the bakery, but the clean glass and stacked chairs told him nothing. He would have to do it for himself, and that was a large and frightening thing.

“Kiss me,” he said, quiet and uncertain, but wanton.

“Kiss you?” Magnus repeated. It sounded like hope, but it was cautious, and Alec wondered what was going through his head.

“Kiss me before I kick you out again, Magnus,” Alec said, his voice trembling.

Magnus nodded once and then stood, and the moments between sitting at the table and standing in front of Alec stretched out endlessly. He could only feel Magnus coming towards him, barely comprehend it as being real, he had imagined and waited his entire life for this, it did not feel real now it was actually happening.

When Magnus was stood before him and Alec could see all his features perfectly, it was more overwhelming than he could have ever thought. He had dreamt and yearned to be this close to him, dreamt of it, dreamt of him, but it was nothing on the reality. He had thought his lips were perfect, thought his eyes were the most beautiful things in existence, but it was so different when he was close. There wasn’t a flaw to him, and Alec could search for one for hours, but he knew he would not find one.

“You want me to kiss you?” Magnus asked.

“Fuck, Magnus, just-,” Alec began, and then Magnus was kissing him, firm but giving at the same time. And it was like all of time was nothing and that all that waiting had not even happened. It was like Alec had been waiting all his life, stalling and stopping, running low and waiting from something to recharge him. Life had been dull and sepia but, with Magnus, there was colour again.

He could not fathom that he was actually kissing Magnus. After all these years of waiting and wanting, to have him, to know that Magnus’ lips were pressing against his own, it took the breath from him. Even more than Magnus already took his breath away. His breathing hitched and, in his over thirty years of living, his breathing had never hitched before. He wondered, if Magnus continued wanting to be with him, if he would do things to him that he had never had done to him before, make him feel things he had never felt before. He felt youthful all of a sudden, like maybe he would get a chance to be young and in love, and with that person he was in love with.

Magnus’ hands came to his waist and his nape, pulling his body closer, and Alec immersed his hands in those glorious locks that he had only ever imagined touching before. They weren’t gelled, so they were soft and thick between his fingers, luscious and intoxicating.

To feel Magnus’ body aligned with his own when it was all he had ever imagined when he was with anyone else, it made him ecstatic, euphoric. Wherever they touched, he sparked, his body came alive, thrumming with existence. Black and white became reds and purples and oranges and pinks. Where the edges had been blurred, they were sharp and precise, and suddenly everything just made sense. Timing had to mean everything with these things, Alec thought.

They kissed until their mouths were numb, they kissed until Alec saw stars behind his eyes and, when he opened them, he saw stars in Magnus’. They kissed until Alec ached for him further and wanted to feel him completely.

Alec dragged him upstairs, shedding clothing as they went, touching and caressing the body they loved. To have him bare before him as they tumbled messily into bed, into sheets Alec, more often than not, slept alone in, it was like dreams that fell into reality. It was clear Praxiteles loved him both in Alec’s dreams and in truth. To touch his skin, to touch him, to love him and to hold him when he had wanted nothing more than that for a third of his life, well, it was sweeter than the cakes he baked downstairs.

Their future was uncertain, but Alec was sure Magnus was going to be a part of his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope this last chapter was satisfying for everyone. Although I know the story has its rough moments, I actually really love this fic, and I hope you've enjoyed reading it x
> 
> Update: So, I love an open ending. I tend to think, just because I wrote the fic, that doesn't mean I have to have all the answers and I like people to leave a fic and decide what they want for the characters. However, from the couple of comments I've had so far and from some of the things my friends have said as well before I posted the chapter, perhaps an open ending doesn't necessarily work for this fic. I really hate to leave people disappointed in the ending, so I'm going to write an epilogue to hopefully answer some of the questions people might have. I did consider a sequel from Magnus' POV which revolved around their future, but not only would that take far too many months to post, I also could not really think of substantial plot to keep it going, and an epilogue will be posted much faster and hopefully alleviate any issues people have with the ending. This being said, I cannot say for sure when the epilogue will be posted, but I will start work on it right away and will post it the second it is finished. Apologies if it wasn't what you were hoping for, I feel awful that maybe it hasn't lived up to the standards people were looking for, and hopefully an epilogue set in the future will rectify that x


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